Notes of the drunk dummkopf

Sad to say, but... goodbye.

2006-07-24T12:25:00.000+08:00

For how many years, you read with me, shared with me, cried with me, laughed with me on this very same blogsite which has served not just as an outlet for me but maybe an outlet of yours as well. And for that purpose, maybe blogger has given me so much.

But it's time to let go.

Kaya lumipat na ako sa...
Http://www.EvilWearsPink.com!

Umpisahan na ang isa pa muling istorya!!! Yehey!!! :D

Kita kits na lang! ;-)

harrassed.

2006-07-20T09:30:00.000+08:00

I think I am in need of stress tabs badly.

I am also in need of a check written to my name for the amount of eight hundred thousand dollars which I would conveniently find lying in our driveway. When encshed, it would turn out to be some lucky stub, which would bring the winner two million dollars in cash.

Yes, I fucking need that.

2006-07-15T15:20:00.000+08:00

Masarap sana na malamig dahil bumabagyo.

Unfortunately, tao lang ako't kailangan maglaba.

(putangina, hindi natutuyo ang labada ko!)

Infairness naman, masarap maglaba. It's a guilty pleasure. Well, no, not the laundry part. Just the last part na huling anlaw na and I get to place them on downy. Madaya ako, eh. May washing machine. At yung part na I get to hang them tapos you sniff to make sure it's clean. Saya. Pero di pa rin natutuyo ang labada ko.

2006-07-15T15:15:00.000+08:00

Check ninyo ito.

La lang. Nakaaliw sila, eh. The first link is from Sinta's blog. CreaturesInMyHead. At yung isa, nakuha ko na lang dun sa site na iyun. Exploding Dog. Weird humor.

I miss blog hopping. I might drop by yours.

2006-07-15T15:12:00.000+08:00

I was trying to figure out how my new domain works, but I don't think it's going to be fully operational up until I finally pay for the domain name. But okay na yung space. For those who are unaware of what I'm talking about, I'm pertaining to my transfer. Inevitable na talaga, eh. Ayoko pabayaan ang natitirang blogging and graphic creation capabilities ko, and the only way to make me move my ass is to be inspired that I'm frigging paying some company for me to be able to blog. With pride. On my own dotcom.

It's final. By Monday, it will be mine. Evilwearspink.com

So I'm already checking my coverage. I'm also trying to see whether I could transfer na my files from blogger pero mukhang hindi pa. And I'm also checking what else I could do for the site. I'm planning to put effort, eh. So I checked links sa blog ko kasi I'm planning to place pictures. I'm either going to ask for a picture from people or mangunguha na lang ng pic nila sa site nila. Whatev.

Siguro dapat hindi na ako maging tamad. La lang. Feeling ko lang I'm fast deteriorating. I don't have the bravery and the motivation I used to have. Maybe dapat na akong umeffort. hehe.

In Memoriam.

2006-07-07T05:49:00.000+08:00

People in the office are suddenly starting to get into this weird craze of uplifting the program's spirits. Paano kasi, those bastards became too lax and disappointing that suddenly there was this huge attrition scare that took almost 10-20% of the work force. All the other programs tried getting the buzz, but no real reason was found. Hell, we're in the same program but nobody really found out what the main reason was. Up until recently when everybody patched up things together.

After the inevitable move of our waves to the Member Services Department to follow the older waves after leaving the Pharmacy Services where everbody started from, there was this sudden influx of again, batches of waves from the former department to the new department. For orientation, Pharmacy Services handles calls from Pharmacists and techs from all around the US territories, while Member Services handles the angst of all americans, educated and rude, who are under the insurance policy of Medco. That, according to statistics, would be the estimated 55 Million americans who are in dire need of their medicines. Obviously, you see the weight of the job there. When we used to only guide Pharmacists how to process the insurance under their systems, Member services asks us to help process the callers' requests for mail in medication, for replacements for lost meds, information on their plan, limitations of their coverage, explanations of reasons, transfers to our own pharmacists when they have questions, transfers to supervisors when need be. Sounds tacky? Not quite. The tension comes in when they insinuate that we're trying to extort money from them, because they are the direct consumers, and they have to pay for their medications even if they don't want to. So when they do something they didn't know was not covered by their plan, or there was a bad charge to their credit card, or they have to be charged again for the wrong medications, they forget that Medco, like all things around us, meant business, and in as much as we wanted to help them, we can't do everything. Because Medco would then kill us if they go bankrupt.

Obviously, these consumers do not realize those sometimes.

So they scream at the phone.

Above right: The TLs of MEDCO both Pharmacy Services and Member Services in a kenkoy effort. Above: The wave two agents. Some of them misquoted.

When people got transferred over even if they didn't want to, the department suddenly had a hard time hitting the required handle time which is supposedly around less thatn 4 minutes or so. Some of us try hard, and most people try harder, but soon, an ultimatum came which gave a bad jolt to agents on the third floor, right wing: meet the requirements or you'd get terminated.

So obviously, they'd rather just pack up and leave.

It was so easy. Scare people then they just go and leave. Who the hell is the management trying to scare? They're not offering the best incentives, and agents always feel harrassed. Bakit hindi aalis?

Oo nga naman. Bakit hindi.

So, with this "ingenious" plan of uplifting the spirits, they're suddenly printing banners displaying either the management, or the distinguished agents. Well, no, not really. But they started printing the faces (pangit posters, not to mention) of the older two waves who have been around for two years. Like, "They're happy, they're not leaving, maybe so should you." Then they printed the faces of the Team Leaders on a separate banner, parading them like they're happy and fulfilled. Sabi ni Ger parang in memory of.

Keyword is like.

Of course, your resident blogger and her significant other have also been thinking about leaving. Why not? Or maybe transfer to a different account. And maybe we should. But while planning that, we're also deliberating on why we must.

Dahil hindi nila kami inaalagaan?

HAPPY @ MEDCO: Are you still happy?

There are some people around who have exceeded the expectations of the management and yet they're still not doing anything to give them the things they need. Incentives na lang, nilalagyan pa ng tax. Or kinakaltasan. Nakakapikon tuloy.

So while looking at the posters this Tuesday, I thought, why not do a poster displaying the sides of the abused people and tell the management what they need to know? Maybe by then they'd know their faults.

Except of course, that's a stupid idea. So I'll let it start with me. :)

O, di ba?

For Sale

2006-07-07T05:15:00.000+08:00

Sex dolls. Beach girl line.

Laos na raw kasi yung little hentai looking girls sa market. :D

(wala lang.)

Maybe my own dotcom?

2006-06-19T22:32:00.000+08:00

This is sad. She fell sick a few hours before work. She gets to go home and I wouldn�t get to be with her the whole day anymore. She deserves the rest anyhow.

Anyhow. New updates for the blog. Bumped into Eric James on YM yesterday, and thank god for the luck as well, but I was informed that he's going public now--being, he's going to unleash his site with a dotcom. It should have been since he was still in college, which, if I may point, wasn't really a long time ago. But anyway, it seems that when he finally took that job in Convergys, he acted on getting his website hitched on a better dotcom address.

So basically, when he gloated about his site being active, aside from the slightly snide comment (okay, maybe I goy a little too playful with the remarks) that he doesn't really update his site, of course I had to probe, all for my curiosity and for my own commercialism as well, where exactly in hell he got a credit card to pay for his website--which, I suspect, was from yet another commercialized american site which hosts porn.

Apparently, it was Philippine Peso, cold cash transfer.

And so, he introduces Marvinsweb.com. The provider, which is Philipine based, supposedly caters to a whole lot of fanbased websites and other corporate thingamajiggers, and according to our very own philippine blog awards winner George, the service seems excellent. Initially thought that this was their pet project back a year and a half ago when 5 of them decided to share payment for a 100mb database which has free sub urls, but according to James, Marvinsweb actually BOUGHT that server they were planning to enlist in. Oooh, scary.

So obviously, it was a very tempting distraction. And come to think of it, it's not really that bad. The rate is relatively better than that of Freeservers, which offers a dollar and so every month for you to be able to get extra mbs and should also keep out the banners. I hate them for adding the banners. They used to have them which you can configure to just pop up, then lately they've been populating the whole page with mindless aquarium banners. Add boobs and a few dick implants and you've got yourself a perfect site. Anyhow, Starting plan costs roughly PHP800+ annually for Marvinsweb guarantees 0 banners, 50mb of space, unlimited email addresses, management access, plus, dig this---php and other linux type accesses, which would actually allow you to host your own blogger type server if you have the tool. Hah! Hello, Marvinsweb, fuck you compactvision (just for the story, I used to have my blog hosted on that server. Suddenly they deleted all the files without permission after demanding for a fee for the service to continue. Fuckers. And I don't have any backup.). And for you to be able to get a dotcom, it's just additional PHP550 annually!

Problem now is, it's a tad bit overwhelming. It's good, I mean, a thousand bucks per year is okay with me, but right now, my main concern is that I wanted to retain the name blackmoon because it has been with me for some years now, but blackmoon.com/.net/.org is unavailable. Why not move on and do a name change? Of course if it's a self created trademark then it must have been something I�ve affiliated myself to. I don't want to move on and lose my trademark. Besides, a lot of people remember that address. It's almost like giving out your new phone number again. And for safety purposes, if I lose my website, at least I can always go back to my sucky blackmoon.8m.com url.

So right now, I'm lining up names I could use. Myblackmoon.com? Blackmoondiaries.com? freecallcenterporn.com?

Help me please. This is the biggest dilemma I've recently encountered with the website aside from having to look up a fake credit card to pay for my daily shows. Think me up a name. pleeeeeaaaase?

news bits

2006-06-18T22:02:00.000+08:00

On the news:

1) Gays and Lesbians want a representative on the senate, thus, a party-list for such groups was made.

Hah. Let's see the moralists attack this one.

2) Barbie Almalbis weds Honasan's boy--secret wedding for the two.

I see she's over me. Maybe it's time to move on.

3) (and thanks to JP for the info)

http://beta.inq7.net/metro/index.php?index=1&story_id=79173

Police deny abduction stories in Muntinlupa - according to the news, an email circulating about 3 women abducted (they make it seem like it's an alien invation) inside the compound of Northgate Cyberzone, home of the three biggest call centers in Filinvest : Convergys, Hongkong Shanghai Banking Corporation (HSBC) and All-state Promotional Advertising Company - Customer Services, also known as APAC, my home when caffeine lacks the surge. Only one of them we really know true, as what the news indicates, one of the girls was from our company. The rumors just started spreading around like wildfire, that a girl from the first floor of our office was walking alone on the main street when a van pulled up; and opened up for three or so men in frot of her, then she suddenly got kidnapped, was forced to drink beer, then got raped. Reports didn't include that nasty little detail.

Of course, it's a rather huge impact. I barely walk that street going to work because the van I ride every night drops us a block away from the bldg, but it does scare me still. You always think it never happens to you, but it does. Suddenly, it just does.

And this doesn't include my parent's reactions as well. I don't think I'd want to tell them.

Honestly, I guess the security did not come prepared. They always has this team of enlisted tricycle drivers who are allowed to go inside the compound, so that at least only these TODA (or tricycle drivers' association) people would be monitored; and police security monitor the area frequently. But of course, vans and cars, they can't always check.

So when the mayor tells press that they're going to shape up the security, you wonder EXACTLY what they mean by it. Because it just won't that well, I think.

A, pelikula pala siya?

2006-05-07T18:01:00.000+08:00

I thought it was just a lame effort to embarass thy crew.

Hay naku. Stupid people talaga. And I'm sorry it had to come from Rahyan Carlos. That guy, he gave us some seminar back in my first year regarding film basics. Wala kasi si Ricky Lee then so sila yung pumalit. I remember Aiz pa nga insisting na it was lame kasi we DID pay money expecting to have Ricky Lee around tapos di rin lang pala. I didn't mind he way okay. May pirma pa nga siya sa Trip To Quiapo book ko na binigay ni Mark Manipon na hindi ko rin binasa kasi tinamad ako dahil required literature sila for Scriptwriting 101 namin dati. So anything required is something automatically boring.

So yung rant ko talaga, is yung lecheng pelikula nila na Pamahiin, under Regal films. Somehow a part of me was screaming to reconsider, but hey, I thought, maybe not. PERO HINDI! Dahil wala kaming ginawa kundi pagtawanan ni Ger ang mga pangit na make-up efforts (?), effects, arte ni Iya Villania, at pati yung kawalan ng theoretical handle ng pelikula. Huwag mo na rin tanungin yung mga open ends. Kalokohan lang yun.

Pasalamat na lang sila at Guwapo si Dennis Trillo. May konsolasyon. Pero hindi pa rin, eh. At Si Marian Rivera (or Gracia, to us Lasallians), in fairness, nagustuhan ko yung kaunting effort niya sa acting. Unfortunately, yung part lang na sarcastic ang mukha niya. Which was once. Eh ano pa bang hahanapin ko? Expecting an award from her is way too much. Mwehehe.

Teka, may dinadownload ako, eh. Try ko dugtungan ito sa bahay. Basta huwag ninyo muna siya panoorin. Babatukan ko kayo pagnagkataon. :p

Manic depressive.

2006-04-28T19:21:00.000+08:00

7.25 and I'm inside this old computer shop where I used to burn hours at when I was back in high school. That's fucking 7 years ago and counting. I left the house early thinking I might get stuck in traffic. 3 day sale kasi sa SM. So syempre, agawan jeep with all the people with those red plastic bags with the evident print na "SM 3 Day Sale." Wala na akong pakialam na pumunta. Wala rin naman akong balak bilhin, pantalon lang ulit sana. Pero ika nga ni Ger, 3 lang ang pares ng pantalon niya, at ako'y umaabot na sa mahigit sampu, pero di pa rin ako magkanda-ugaga. Right. I should really learn to control my wants. Gusto ko rin sana nitong Emily Strange type of bag na red and black intercrossed kaso bukod sa marami na akong bag sa house eh ayoko na lang talaga makipagsiksikan. Besides, if it was meant to be mine, it will be mine. After four days or so when exhausted na ang resources ng SM.

Mukha pa rin akong kanto boy. Ang pangit pa ng background ko.

Anyway. I have been sleeping for almost 8 hours now and still my body's trying to withdraw the strength I'm supposed to have. I dunno which exactly to attribute it to. I can't say it has been the vigorous sports we have been doing for the past days, but maybe it's just the monthly thing. Yesterday at work I resorted to faking sickness just so I could get away with sleeping for more or less two hours. I nearly got my TL's ire for it. Honestly, I'm really really starting not to care. For some reason I'm going back to my being lax. With mostly ridiculous stuff. Sooner or later, I might go back to being the other me.

I can't figure out my self lately. I wanted to go back to some of the usuals I used to do and yet I'm not making a move to make them happen. And then count a few hours or days I get depressed for not being able to execute it. Kanina, I was on board the jeep when they started playing Kamikazee's rip off of the Rexona/Parokya's First Day Funk song, the latter I remember was played around my first year off work. How fucking apt that they are playing these things when I'm finally not around to relish them in my lips while I really was bound by the classrooms' four walls. Never was enthusiastic with graduating and moving on to the phase which would teach me to be more attached. Right now, people are starting to move about. Resigning, or resigning. Or maybe resigning or staying with angst. It's pretty depressing. You don't encounter these in college. You don't encounter this kind of being nonchalant. Things do change, and the only things you're left with are your feelings rubbed off with empathy and your body, both barely breathing.

I'll have to move on too sooner or later. Ang masaklap, mukhang ako lang talaga magisa. The other has plans for herself. I'm not sure I'm included. So I'll have to really learn to stand up alone. And move.

And again, be depressed.

2006-03-23T14:18:00.000+08:00

I didn't think it hurts this much to find yourself running so hard...

...and she didn't make a move to follow.

(tangina, naiiyak na naman ako.)

Bwisit na banners yan.

2006-03-23T13:27:00.000+08:00

Due to some stupid turns of events, nandito ako ngayon sa ATC at sinusubukang palitan ang settings ng lintik kong website. Kasi naman. Tanginang banner yan sa taas. Kahit anong mahika ang gawin ko, ayaw matanggal. Mas magaling talaga sila.

So anong solusyon? Ang sarap sana bayaran na lang yung subscription, kasi $1 and something something lang ang presyo per month. More than 15 MB pa yung space. Di ko na nga tinandaan yung iba kasi yung ads lang ang inintindi ko. Nag na-narrow yung vision ko dun sa highlight na "NO ADS" at dun sa check mark na katabi nito.

Ang kaso? Wala naman akong Visa at kung ano pang widely accepted credit card na pwedeng pang international. At hindi pa rin ako pwede magkaroon dahil ang KA-LECHEHANG CITIBANK AY TUMATANGGAP LANG NG SUBSCRIBERS NA OVER 21 YEARS OF AGE AT MANGYAYARI LANG IYON AFTER MORE THAN 5 MONTHS. Kung tumatanggap ba sila ng debit card e di sana ayos na. Pero hindi! Kailangang pahirapan muna nila ako! Edi sana wala na rin akong nira-rant ngayon.

So magaayos lang muna ako ng link. Bahala na pag nasolusyonan ko ito. Ingat kayo.

kasi naman.

2006-02-24T15:07:00.000+08:00

I got a text from Mark that he was finally on the safe side regarding work today. I was thankful for the message because I had a problem synchronizing my phonebook with my computer yesterday, and I lost some phone numbers. I thought I lost his as well.

So I didn't think twice ringing him up. Turned out he was saved by a split decision, and maybe for his half honesty on things. I didn't care much. As long as he was given a pardon.

Sa susunod kasi. Mark. Tigilan mo na. Tsk.

Anyone awake?

2006-02-13T01:38:00.000+08:00

Hay, eto na naman ako. For such a long time napabayaan ko ang blackmoon and livejournal. O eno. Halata bang tinatamad ako?

After all, I blog only if I have time. I'd rather kill the time sleeping. I'm seriously experiencing a heavy distress over the need for sleep like some underage bad little girl.

But anyhow, I missed telling stories. So let's start them.

|

Work bits, we're transferred to the member services with a bribe of a 10% increase. Lame, but nice. After all, we are going to face the lion's pit. Pharmacists in the US are nice, but who can guarantee that some 80 year old man would come into the line, screaming hell at us because he couldn't go back to his usual business of becoming a rabbit come Viagra pill-popping time and he's out of it because his plan won't allow three hundred Viagras taken all at the same time. Of course, we need to empathize. But 2 hours into some calls and the impression that members bite heads off was gone. It's our turn to bite.

Anyhow, word is going around that after our training, our old job of handling pharmacy calls is getting bad QA rates under the newer batches. Whoever was stupid enough to forget to educate them was definitely heading towards some migraine. See, the problem is when it was just our wave co-existing with the others, it was in such a peaceful harmony that we were then so taken cared of. Pampered, in fact. But just when the newer waves were coming in they took out the knowledgeable older waves and transferred them to the member services. Nobody was left to teach the others the tricks. Now the newer waves are alien to the word "pampered". In fact, they're alien to one another. So while they're snarling at callers, the Operations Managers are crying for their own jobs.

Bad tactic, really, but client calls for it. Still a bad tactic on the client's side. But maybe hell won't break loose on them.

As if we really mind. Well, we do, as of course it WAS a part of our job description to somehow excel in giving quality calls in that department, and the new kids are fucking it up. But at least now we're with the lovely, humorous people we used to work with: the earlier waves who pampered us. Call it selfish, but hey, we call it incentive.

||

To those who might actually display interest in my phone, I'm planning to sell it this month. I want to get myself a 6260, so I guess the old one's up for...bidding? Heh. I was supposed to get myself a 3230, but considering the amount of money I have to add just to get a new one, it's not too fair.

After all, in the market, the 6260 can be bought for around 9-10k, while the 3230's still around 12k or more. And the only noticeable difference is that the other has a 1.3 MP camera, while the 6260's just a common camphone. And that 6260's a clam, the other's not. But it's one of the reasons why I like the clam: because it's a clam.

No-brainer, amputah.

Seriously, it has almost the same specifications of my 6230. The only difference is that the clam phone's Symbian, with an OS of 7.0. Perfect for Ebooks, if you ask me. Perfect as well for other useless programs which just make life a little bit more complicated than the usual. Heh. Although I like the convenience the size of the 6230 brings, if only it was already an s60, I wouldn't settle for anything else.

So there. Besides, what would be the reason for a better camera resolution when I have a NOW 4.0 MP Camera?

Yep. I bought it last week with Ger from this guy who claimed to be a discreet bisexual who was such a screaming faggot the moment he entered McDonald's. Second hand, barely the scratches, plus a charger, battery and 500+MB MMC, and in excellent condition--all for the price of 9.5k. Saan ka pa? Heh. Okay na siya in the meantime. The largest size it can take is double the 1024x768 resolution, and methinks it's enough to get me through when I print a new batch of pictures. At least I wouldn't suffer from pixilated-pictures dilemma. Now the moment I start thinking I want to print blow-ups, then maybe that's when I'd again consider a new camera.

But for now, I'm loving my A520. �

|||

Oh. FYI, the reason I'm up is because I don't want to sleep. My mom and I had a fight a while ago, and now my being stubborn is kicking in. And Ger's asleep. I think. So I don't have anyone to talk to. And it's one in the morning and I'm listening to classical music.

To think that I've been up all day. I went straight from work to my college classmate's Blessy's house along with my bestfriend Mark to have a small gathering. Damn. Everybody's nearly a couple nowadays. Improvement? Maybe. Mark and I were still trying to get the others to finally forgive the other classmates they have learned to create a gap with even if they used to be best buds. We're out of college, for crissakes.

My bestfriend Mark. Been a long time since we really went out together.

"Friend, umayos naman kayo ng pose. - Mark"

A small get-together without a drop of liquor. Imagine that.

They were still fun, I guess. Too bad they were planning for an all-nighter next week, and I'm going to Batangas to do a night trek.

So there. And then the night before that, Ger and I scarcely had some sleep too. We went to check out the Lovapalooza but ended up eating a banana split inside Aristocrat for fear of being engulfed by smelly toilets, and worse, even smellier people. We didn't witness the grand kissing, but we did witness the fireworks through somebody else's car which was mirroring the glares.

Lovapalooza. And somewhere along the picture, a couple is lost in their own kiss.

And then we went on OT. And THEN I was supposed to again go on OT today, but that's another issue. Like I said, my mom and I had a fight, didn't I?

what about Maxi?

2006-01-08T19:06:00.000+08:00

I'm killing time while I'm burning a back-up of my pictures in my CD. Amazingly enough, for all the months since the last CD picture burning, and the newer batch still didn't fill up the new disc. I'm becoming less of a photowhore now that I'm out of Lasalle. Oh well.

I think I'll jump on the film bandwagon for this one. While everyone's raving on how great a film Cinemalaya's Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros was, I won't be a bitch and claim otherwise, but I was curious enough to stumble on a few careful reactions over the web before I formulated my own criticism. Amazingly enough, all of the write-ups dealt about the gayness of the film. Tina, however, has given me and Ger re-education, and it did prompt us to watch again the film and give it a second chance, with her viewpoint in mind. (Yes Tina, I'm afraid we missed out on a lot. Hehe.)

Maxi takes us on a comical ride to the streets of Sta Ana where he grows up as the youngest "lady" of his family of all men--his Papa, Kuya Boy and Kuya Bogs making a living through the discreet business of cellphone snatching. When he one night gets into trouble with a near molestation, he meets Victor, the knight in shining badge and blue uniform. He then becomes Maxi's object of distraction, being the simpatiko good guy he is; but after learning that one of his older brothers is involved in a possible murder, Maxi struggles with the fight between morality and protecting the only family he has left.

What it amazes me, however, is how this concept has escaped most of the movie-goers who have offered their own views online. Either people have had too much movies with forced displays of fights between morality, or they have chosen to view such movies simply for what they are. On the lighter track, true, Cinemalaya's Maxi has offered ample amount of entertainment to keep us on our seats till the end. Who wouldn't want to reminisce first love albeit in the eyes of a gay child? Remember how you got those feelings creeping up your chest when Victor got a mild surprise after Maxi gave him a kiss in his cheek? Oh, and definitely that moment when he cried up to his brother after getting turned down by Victor? How many of us actually yearned for an older brother or sister who would comfort us as much?

True, Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros is another gay story whose conflicts may be a little bit different on the sides. Technical-wise it has gotten a little rough too, what with automatic focusing here and there, and even a few bad quality night shots around. The experimental shots may have even offended some, but overall, it's not just another gay film; as Tina have said, it was in fact something about a child confronted with the world's brutal truths while trying to keep his own. While people delved on the child's fantasies with his cop crush, they failed to see how the symbolisms have entwined themselves on each of the places Maximo came to linger as a child, and grow up knowing a little more than everybody thought come closing credits.

It was easy to guess how Maximo would inevitably fall for Victor--after all, he was the �ber guapo guy with the shyness reminiscent of Dennis Trillo, and he was soo darn good to be true. Sarap batukan. But it was the reason why Maxi fell for him in the first place. He was the guy contrast everybody he grew up with, and he was the epitome of what Maximo hoped to be.

And that's where the story evolves. In Maximo's pursuit of better hopes, his hero falls into lust and greed, which costs Maxi his loved ones. Then, he was made to choose the life he has lived and actually survive, or live with the morality and remain poor--something that most of us encounter everyday and still we try to battle. Tina even points out something curious: most of the stories inside Maximo does not have a begining (like the idea why Kuya Bogie had hatred for Maxi's Father) like most of the things in life are; that they just pop up and they have nothing to do with us yet we learn to deal with it.

In the end, we all wait for that turn around which would hopefully change things. And Maximo successfully does that for everybody, albeit not for Victor. When our darling cop has completely changed into something far from his ideals, Maxi walks past him, and leaves him in his empty state which was too low, even for Maxi. And we all end up hoping for a better life for all the Maxi hopefulls. Or at least, some of us did. Some just hoped Maxi and Victor would end up together, as most of them thought it's the only point of the film--gay entertainment.

And that's too lame a judgement for a story, even for an indie film.

Snow

2005-12-29T23:24:00.000+08:00

And;
when the season
frosted
that final tear,

the little one knew
of the possibility;
the return
of the cold breath's
kisses
on his swollen cheeks

But alas!
Winter never
had the
same snowflakes.

-----------------

Sigh. You know you're getting older when suddenly you find a year of your life crammed inside an old shoebox.

There goes a piece of my life.

When transexuals force god down your throat.

2005-12-12T13:56:00.000+08:00

I mean nothing against spiritual people.

But fanatics can be shot dead anytime.

Once, at around 12:30pm in the afternoon a thousand years ago--December 12, 2005, there were two self-contained individuals (or at least, oblivious to the world) walking around the supermarket area of a more commercialized mall in the heart of Las Pinas. They were in the middle of a very critical decision of choosing between the mint Close-up toothpaste and the lemon flavored Colgate. ANYBODY in his/her right mind would understand that NOBODY should be bothered upon making that decision. Nobody. Not even the pope. Imagine how many bacteria can breed in your teeth if the wrong choice was bestowed. Nobody should undermine the power of toothpaste.

But she of white make-up and long skirt with rebonded hair dared show up beside the girls while they were very absorbed between the boxes. And she suddenly cited, in between her flickering lids and lost voice, the very powerful words known to the gullible man...

"Let us take Jesus into our hearts. Come, join me. Lord, I accept you..."

Yes, she pushed those words unto the bewildered girls' lips and ~~urged~~ forced them to recite with her.

After that. She left, satisfied like as if she had two converts on tow, then attacked on her next wandering prey, a college student with a shopping cart. After which she was casually dismissed by the stubborn girl.

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen. Our college girl will go to hell for this.

Taena. Ang weird talaga nun.

*laughs*

-------------------

Sinong may extra P2500? Kailangan ko lang. Kunyari.

Para after two weeks, taena, tingnan ko lang kung di kami lumipad ni Barbie Almabis.

Scratch, scratch.

2005-11-22T17:00:00.000+08:00

This is what happens when some itch just DEMANDS to be scratched. A bad, premature photoshoped picture. Parang di pinagisipan.

Pero trip ko ang layout. At dahil trip ko ang layout, magsisimula na ulit akong magpost.

Yehey!

(Shet. Naiisip ninyo ba kung gaanong nagiging sobrang babaw na ng mga post ko? Urk. :p)

When much untoward incidences hit the line.

2005-08-29T14:50:00.000+08:00

Of all the surprises I was bound to face, I never thought the place it would happen would be in Recto.

Saturday. I was supposed to come to a certain ball event over at the Town Center when the need to divert attention struck. So with just a split second decision, I boarded the next available Taz Transit and shoved P30 to the ticket guy. After the significant unfortunate event that happened last week involving a wallet, an ATM card and this certain bus line, I still didn't hesitate to utilize the same vehicle. After all I don't have any more wallets to lose, and my ATM card is still somewhere in this universe.

It was somewhere between the orange eggs stand and the crack near the first eskinita on the right. There, in almost what seemed like a hallucinatory form to rival the heat of the cluttered pasillios, stood...

Her.

It was easy to tell it was her, but I did not let my instincts get carried away by a mere suspicion. But she was a lot more nourished than I am. Her skin, reddish due to health and by the mere sun rays, emanated a certain glow on the sides. She was less pale than I imagined her to be. Her eyes bore the same non-smiling shape, but it was less tired.

She was wearing a simple pair of denim jeans along with this certain pink shirt and black rubbers, both of which she have loved for some time. Couldn't be any more predictable, I remember thinking. Her hair, a little shorter than it used to be, obviously came about from time added unto an originally shorter bob. The only thing we shared, it seems, was the smug grin which spread across her sarcastic face. Only hers had less shock than mine had.

I felt the black bits from the smoke of the next random jeep pelt unto my skin. Everything was numb except me. The cover of the thin blackened aluminum canister from the nearby carinderia clanged on the stove top. Someone's spoon scraped on the plastic container bowl that had orange bits of flour and egg floating on spiced vinegar. A wisp of smoke from someone's mouth came into the distance, mimicking the cluttered way the owner's mustache had gone unorganized on his upper lip. The tiles glued on the floor cried at every shoe that passed by. A small coin stuck on a space near the pocketbook stand inevitably lost its markings after the rainy days. It had accumulated small dust, after which some of them flew when a small book fell unto its open, dirty face.

And yet, she wasn't moving. But I could hear the distinct sound of the air entering her chest, even if it wasn't visible from the small distance we stood apart. And then slowly, my lips started moving, my voice forming a sound which seemed inaudible to her, but such a whisper haunted my reverie. It was foreseeable.

Hi.

It was all she needed. She ran towards me, hugged me like the prized possession she has been looking for since she lost it sometime in her youth. I initially recoiled, and then slowly found myself wrapping my arms all over her. We stood, amidst the noise of Recto, hugging each other in the middle of the pasillio.

She slowly moved me in front of her and looked at my face. I just showed a tired smile.

You look gaunt, she remarked.

Thank you, I whispered. I think death does that to you.

What have you been doing to yourself? What have you been doing?

I don't know, I honestly replied.

You can't keep on doing this, you know. This isn't you.

What IS me?

She found herself hushed. She wasn't able to procure an answer.

I missed you, Jayce, she instead muttered. She sounded like she meant it. I started to quiver but got hold of my self before I almost let go.

I missed you too, JC, I silently cried. Take me away.

She nodded. The smug grin slowly becoming evident on her face.

APAC-an ko kaya kayo? (I mean, let me orient you about APAC. har har)

2005-07-12T12:34:00.000+08:00

SIGE NA NGA. Maggi-give in na ako. Nakakaawa naman kasi itong blog ko, iniiwan kong magisa sa cyberspace, hindi ko mashadong pinupuna kasi akala ko may sasalo sa pagaalaga. Eh ayaw din nung isa. Sus. Bakit nga ba ako namimilit ng ayaw. Eh ayaw nga, eh. Eh sa tinatamad nga, eh. Ikaw talaga, JC. Masyado kang namimilit.

Sige na nga.

Prologue: Thanks to them fans
Ang galing. Imaginin mo nga namang mayroon pa talagang nagmamahal sa akin dahil may mga bumibisita sa Blackmoon. Mayroon pa ngang isa, nagpapaalala talaga: "You haven't posted for a long time," he said.

Asus. Sige na nga. Magkukuwento na nga ako tungkol sa mga nangyari sa buhay ko. Buhayin ulit natin si blackmoon.

Pero thanks sa mga dumadalaw, ha? ;-)

Chapter 1: Ang magulong mundo ng APAC.
Truth is, APAC is far from the term coined above. It has, in fact, despite my previous bad impression of it, so far caught up with half of my expectations. The un-reached half of them, being 1) No internet access in the workroom although the pantry offers computers available for surfing; 2) corporate style of dressing,
something you all know I don't really like; 3) you can't bring coffee in the training room. I mean, what�s the use of coffee if you can't bring it with you every time? I double-checked APAC's Mission and they never stated anything about letting their employees die of hypothermia.

Anyway, everyone knows I finally relented to taking this job in Alabang in order to at least make myself useful. But of course, I haven't really told much about the developments, save for my �ber-long lamentation over at livejournal.

So let's take the tour, then.

Nestled deep down in the south of Manila, AllState Promotional Advertising Corporation, also known as APAC Customer Services, found its home in a four-storey building in Plaza C, Northgate, Alabang a few years ago; starting with only a little less than 400 people under its wings. Although an established name in the US, it was the first time APAC ventured for outsourcing, and has proved itself successful now with a workforce size nearly four times the size of its original number, and basing some of the biggest clients from the US.

To get to the building is enough to make you think it is indeed in fierce competition: the area makes you think that the Filinvest people had a call center village in mind when they developed this place--behind the tall grasses occupying the first blocks toward Northgate is the obviously the competitive buildings of Convergys and HSBC, two of the better known call centers around. APAC, however, is definitely making sure they are up to par with the two other competitors, and true enough, another site is in progress to accommodate more agents to become a part of its name.

I was able to land a pharmaceutical account when I got there, a fact which my best friend Mark greatly insists I am up for doom, because I just landed on one of the hardest accounts in APAC (he�s on dental-and INSISTS his account is the easiest in the medical area). I AM up for a challenge anyway, I reckon. Currently my batch--or my wave, to be more apt--, is composed of 25 diverse people, most of them having experiences from the field before. We just started product training a while ago, and thankfully, my body didn't have much trouble coping up with the 10pm-7am shift. After all, it's almost the same time I am always awake for internet before, so what's new?

What else? Commute is still hard for me; leaving me no choice but to give an hour and a half of travel allowance in order to avoid tardiness. It won't make much difference though if I pushed through with Makati, although the way to Alabang has more traffic than the former. I have fewer expenses here, tho, but I have to admit THE relationship is suffering. Our time schedules aren't working, and the gap isn't helping. Initiative is lacking either. Don't ask.

That's as much as I can tell you today, me thinks. I'll have to think up more stuff as I go along, okay?

Chapter 2: Ipagyabang ang bago
Oo nga pala, sikreto lang natin ito, ha? Napanood ninyo na ba yung Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Ako talaga yung original na nasa line-up noon, nung wala pa si Jolie. Tingnan ninyo pa:

Kaso nung umayaw na ako, dun na tinawagan ni Brad yung producers at sinabing gusto niya daw pasakitan si Jennifer Aniston dahil wala na siyang career at ayaw nitong magpa inject ng fat sa lips niya. Kaya nabigyan ng pagkakataon si Angelina Jolie.

Besides, I have another movie to do. After all, I couldn't let George Lucas down, can I? I had to make a spectacular movie without getting too distracted. Besides, cute rin naman si Hayden, eh. :)

(halata bang wala na naman akong magawa? Wala pang tulog yang lagay na yan �)

Epilogue: Ang malalang pagyayabang.

Once, someone told me I looked like Mikee Cojuangco. I never believed his compliments.

Then, just last month, a co-worker told me out of the blue that I was pretty. While we were in a PUJ.

While in a drinking session, probably the prettiest girl in our wave told me I resemble Mikee. That's twice the name now.

And then, my trainer asked me, while the two of us were in an elevator, who that celebrity was who was likened to me. I said I used Jennifer Aniston as an adjective (you know those "give an adjective that starts with your name introduction kind of crap? I went, "adjective? Jennifer Aniston."), but I didn't use it because I LOOK like J.A, but I thought I was as neurotic as her character in Friends. She then said that I look like Jennifer all right--Jennifer Love Hewitt.

What in hell do these people see in me that I don�t?!?!

My new hair, perhaps?

Di nga. Pretty ba ako? Har har. Joke lang. Hua Ze Lei na naman ako. hahahahahaha!

(ay, shet. Makikita na nang iba ang irereserve ko pa lang sana sa kanilang mga mata para sa Saturday. HF peeps, punta ako jan Saturday, ha? :D)

Redirect

2005-06-17T14:22:00.000+08:00

I reactivated my old blog. I keep three: Blackmoon, Livejournal and another blog hidden somewhere; but the last one's for a few chosen people only. I don't post in it anymore.

I had to reactivate LJ because I have long censored Blackmoon's entries as it functioned mostly as a showcase website. If visitors are to drop by, I'd rather have them see a melancholic kid and be a bit charmed by it, and not find a disturbed senseless dork. Very rare are people who explore links, so LJ's safe. Not to mention now we have Paul posting every now and...then with three thousand years difference within each post, so we have to make room for other users.

Besides. At least I can flood my LJ and not care if I would seem like another casual blog-idiot whose main purpose of a blog is to display his/her veryveryinterestingverythoughtofprofoundfuckedupanswers to every fucking questionaire and quizzes he/she trips upon. Not that I'd do that, but it makes me feel okay knowing I can ruin something and make Blackmoon intact. How can I juxtapose rubish with our lovely pictures?? :D

(Link taken out. If you wish to get the link, please email me at imbakan_ko@yahoo.com/ evilpupil@gmail.com. I'd be happy to give you the link. �)

See you there! Ciao.

A Lot Like Love

2005-06-08T19:10:00.000+08:00

Am I the only one who's been having GPRS problems lately? 'Cause I couldn't access Gblogs over the weekend, then when I checked this morning it seems like EVERYONE still had a GBlogs life. Sigh. Anyway.

Saw A Lot Like Love with my guy last Saturday. Something that was an excuse for a breather, as he's been having a tough week with his new job. Oh, well, at least HE has a job, albeit as a call boy. He doesn't have much choice, see. Pay's good, although he's going to be more active at night. Found out he'll be servicing old men more than women, and not much matronas either but most of them are foreigners. I told him it might be a pain in the ass, if you know what I mean. What do you know, he's young, he's on his prime, and he's downright yummy.

Hahaha. I just love it when I bastardize his work. Nah, he's up as a call boy, alright, handling financial calls from Wall Street, NY. Heard they're perusing 3 two-inch thick books which has to be learned in only a month's time. He's smart anyway, so my hopes have possibilities of seeing light.

So there. A lot like Love caught our attention due to its apparent hooker: sarcasm meets Serendipity. While Kate Beckinsale was busy flirting and throwing sugar to John Cusack, A lot like Love shows two obviously charming outcasts of the normal world trying to throw banters to each other while denying that the other might in fact be good enough for the other. We ALL know what's going to happen in the end, but in the middle of things, we just find ourselves trying to catch on to their denials.

Ashton comes back to Hollywood as another blonde american, although thankfully not dumb unlike his past roles. I was afraid he would be again typecasted as the dumb blonde (amazingly, when this term is limited only to women, Kutcher found himself stuck in that persona, along with Sean William Scott, whom you might remember as Ashton's partner in the movie, Dude, where's my car?), being all too known for his role in Dude, and his hit TV series, That 70's Show. However, if there was something Kutcher failed to supervise, it's possibly his charm, which was practically all over the movie.

Peet, however, being a not too famous name in the industry (albeit making a name for herself in a different aspect), managed to keep up with Kutcher. Playing the role of a gothic chick whom Kutcher meets and gets laid with on a flight to Los Angeles, she changes into a more grown and less feisty character, who then realizes things after serendipitious moments (and ass-grabbing) with Kutcher.

All in all, not a bad kilig flick. Might want to line up that title on your pirated DVD stuff, but don't over use, as you might get nausea afterwards. -B

(BTW: I can now be read through wap for free! For Globe users, visit Gblogs.com then click on find user through username. Look for "thebitch" You'd easily find me. :D )

-------------------------------

For the plug-in: Upper finally has a blog! Oh, wait, I forgot that the people who would be reading this would most likely know about that info. Sigh. Anyway, for those who doesn't know, try checking www.SuperUpper.multiply.com.

On the news: A congressman is expressing his desire to have Cindy Kurleto. GMA claims fate might be making their lives cross in the media industry as the congressman is going to be a part of a certain action movie.

The clincher? He looks a lot like your neighborhood kanto tangero.

*snickers*

Comic strip of the week

2005-05-29T21:27:00.000+08:00

Something from Calvin and Hobbes.

Amazing. How a comic compilation full of sarcasm can give you shock by coming up with something heartfelt and much-needed like this.

Wishful thinking

2005-05-20T15:59:00.000+08:00

It seems that the "bum-hood" I am in now gives me the reason to post, though frustrated and all for the fact that Grace and I are still in the "Pa/Ma, pahingi po ng pera pang-alis ng bahay. Promise, maghahanap po ako ng trabaho" mode. Tsk.

Anwei, the company situated somewhere in Para�aque where we first applied seemed to have lost our contact numbers for it had been more than three weeks after we took their examination. According to the person in charge, it would only take 2-3 weeks for the results to be released. But the heck, guess when we took the exam? Exactly four days before April ended. And you do the math in calculating how many weeks had already passed.

Or is it their subtle way of saying, "Sorry, you didn't qualify for the position." Crap!

Honestly, I really don't mind if I still don't have a job right now, that is, if I'm numb whenever my mom unconsciously slash does-not-mean-to slash does-not-face-to-face-force-me-to find one. But the fact that I really need to earn now 'coz my needs are really growing and growing, even if my parents don't tell me yet "O anak, magtrabaho ka na rin para may pandagdag tayo sa pambayad sa gastusin."

Huhuhu.

It just really frustrates me whenever I think of the could-have-been --- that I could have been a freshman again and pursued a medical career. It's just that a "sign" whether to continue or not that I have been asking for had already been sent. No need for any elaboration.

I just wish that life would still be good for us for the coming days. And who knows, we might land at the jobs best suited for us. God only sets where we could be in our best. I still believe.

Pasty jobless asshole, I have become

2005-05-19T02:38:00.000+08:00

I would like to think, that I have never been so�what�s the word�embarrassed?--to put it slightly--of my self today. No, it is more of this developed amusement in my own lax on actually waking up, realizing the truth.

�that I am an arrogant dad-reliant bitch who wouldn�t even bother showing up for an exam earlier to save her ass from becoming a near-bum. So far, I haven�t thanked my father yet for saving me more than a hundred times by actually trying to monitor my house differentials (am I using the right word?) and pairing it with the amount of time I spent outside. He would merely tut, look at me smugly, and ask while slightly cocking his head: �Bakit nandito ka sa bahay?� Then adds a disturbing amount of weight unto this next line: �Wala kang pera, �no?�

Believe me when I say I have never been soooo humiliated this month. Sad to say, though, that I haven�t really undergone much humiliation this month anyway. so it was just too obvious.

Sigh. And so, along with the brave and valiant Paul on my side, trying his luck as a walk-in applicant, I go and trudge on this certain building in Makati and find two things afterwards:

That 1) Paul couldn�t get in because he forgot his ID upon changing bags this morning,

And 2) I came just a few minutes late, thanks to my new phone�s automatic time adjustment system, upon which it adjusts itself every time it connects to the computer, which is not very current with the time. Apparently, it is a couple of minutes late. Also, it self-adjusts itself to some weird time, which I do not really care right now where in the galaxy my phone extracts it from. Of course, we conveniently learn about it HOURS after the harm done, after fixing it almost 15 minutes ahead of Paul�s phone time hours before, and then finding it back to its usual late time after comparing.

Oh, have I said my phone�s new? I just nearly had the impulse to trash it.

And have I mentioned that I actually like THAT lone company because of its corporate suit-free policy?

Now, that�s not even the problem. See, there�s an actual salt-to-the-bruise event that would throw things up on my pasty face. Paul and I, after walking around Makati the whole day, emerged victorious with a slightly low self-esteem (at least I did) after bumping unto come blockmates who we least thought of seeing around. Apparently, they were there for work. When they asked us, we were there because we just wanted to go around. Oh, and yeah, we�re still jobless, thank you very much.

Am I the only one NOT LOOKING for a job? Sigh.

Chii told me before that she envisioned me as a person who wouldn�t want to work as soon as possible. Hoping because she didn�t find me lazy, I asked why. �Because you�re idealistic,� she says. �You�re not ready for the real world.�

Fuck it. I may not be ready for the real world, but I�m sure as hell ready to earn some money. But see, there IS a reason why I�m not in a hurry to apply. Lame, but still a reason. I�m still waiting for that last great summer getaway that would cap off my 4 years in college.

Now, was it so wrong to wish for a hassle-free vacation without worrying if my ass would get sacked anytime?

But I�m not as hopeless as you think. See, I have realized the need to be productive because I know right now that my lifestyle isn�t. You can see me now and might in fact pity me. I don�t eat, I drain hours in front of the computer, I drink a lot of coffee and I have shifted my waking time to 4pm and my sleeping time to 5am. I have become a full-fledged nocturnal vampire. Pasty as hell, and draining money from my father.

God, can you give me another chance at that corporate suit-free company? I promise I won�t rely on my fucked up phone anymore. And I�ll work now. I promise. Please?

--------------------

Found something interesting while the boy and I were loitering around Greenbelt a while ago. A convention has been set up on the middle oval which served as the social area of GB3, apparently to serve the geeks and fanatics as they hail the newest and final addition to the saga of geekmankind. If you have failed to be acquainted with the dreamy worlds of Tattooine, Naboo, Corruscant and Alderaan, then you wouldn�t recognize the significance of today�s date: yes, the saga is finished. Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith will commence its first, official, and simultaneous screening on the theaters worldwide. Tonight�s party was to celebrate the eve of that occasion.

Amazingly enough, as a self-confessed Star Wars fanatic (Elvin Ba�ares, former chair of National Center for Culture and Arts, would attest to that, if he remembers me, that is.) five years ago, I found myself calmly looking at co-geeks at the festivity a while ago, but scoffing at a few glitches every now and then.

�Baba tayo, gusto mo magpakuha sa kanya [Darth Vader]?� Offered the sweet boy. I shook my head, almost indignantly, before asking him to leave as I was getting bored of the scenario.

Yet years ago, I have documentation of how the turbos and engines of each pod racer that raced the mountains-of-which-I-now-forgot in Tattooine ran. I read the specifics of the film Episode 1: The Phantom Menace and how it was shot. I can describe to anyone who would mistakenly lend an ear stories and technicals of the first movie of the saga.

Now, I�m not even as excited to see EP3 as that of EP2. And to think I didn�t want to see EP2 before--well, at least AGAIN--either.

Did I lose magic? No. I lost faith. Just of George Lucas and his ability to create fantastic movies which would still enthrall me to the bone.

Nothing, really. Just something I noticed.

Skydiving

2005-05-07T05:24:00.000+08:00

Aminado naman.
Huwag mo nang ipagdiinan.

Baka

,

Magulat ka,
Nasa harap mo na,

Pero bitin ka pa rin.

born again

2005-05-04T18:46:00.000+08:00

hey, am i at the right site?

after moooooonths (yes, six Os for six months) of being pestered by either negligence or pure laziness, or either being dumped in a dust dwelling or just pure mind vacation, i am back.

yeah, as if YOU care.

Or if you do, you must be a good friend of mine or just my ever-gorgeous-and-sweet girlfriend. [ Ass-kissing is good, but I need cash! � - JC]

Apparently, the latest occurrences are the only ones i can share with you.

As if you also care. Hehehehe.

But anyway, i just had this conscience of mine (yeah, that's also the one coming out whenever i use Safeguard. :p )persistently telling me to update. and i don't know, for some or no apparent reason at all, i was able to do so.

so i'm back. (as if you care. bwahahahaha). Kidding.

***

First up, we (jp, jay, my better-half, and I) had been to Zamboanga City, April 8-18, for the coverage of PRISAA-Nationals (PRISAA needs not to be spelled out for it is a known acronym, and everybody is already accustomed to its meaning. Or if you aren't, you should be. And the rationale? It is according to our Publication's stylebook. Stylebook, where art thou? :p ) [ But for the people who actually ARE clueless about it, it's short for "PATRIOTS RULE IN SPORTS, ANY ARGUMENTS?". Also can stand for PRIVATE SCHOOLS ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION. - JC ]

Anyway, not much of an enjoyment for we weren't able to explore the city that keenly and that long. Too bad, we had to do the coverage. Worse, it caused me too much tanned skin that i couldn't even recognize myself from a burnt tocino or a grilled liempo. Tsk, tsk. Grace was even thinking twice whether she'd continue her relationship with me or not due to my drastic skin color change. Just kidding. She still loves me anyway. :p [ No. Well, okay, yeah. I do. � - JC ]

I don't know if you'd laugh at me with what I'm going to reveal in the next few lines, but i just feel the urge to blurt this out.

"First times" happened, really.

Yeah, 'twas my first time to ride a plane. Honestly, yes. It was also my first to ride a ferry. Pota, kung hindi pa pala ako makakapunta ng Zamboanga para mag-cover ng mga laro e hindi pa ako makakasakay sa mga lecheng 'yun. :p

Pathetic.

It was also my first time to eat balls and dick, literally... Balls and dick ng BAKA. Hehehe. I think I was not the only who had this first. JP, Jay, and Grace also admit it was also their buena mano.

A carinderia in Zambo offers this "Soup no. 5," which apparently contains the abovesaid cow's (or bull's) copulatory organs. So we dared each other that before we leave Zamboanga, we have to taste such exotic delicacy. And we did. The taste? Somehow it tastes like an ordinary meat. It's just that the thought that you are eating balls and dick... eewww! So the eating really was awful. But it only tastes like a typical meat with a touch of balut.

Thank God we didn't have to rush to the nearest washroom to excrete. Hehehe.

We weren't able to go to Sta. Cruz Island, the main attraction in Zamboanga City though flooded with NPAs according to townspeople. We were too late. According to the secretaries we talked to from the Departmet of Tourism there, they only allow people to go to the said island in the morning or at noon. But we came two hours after noon. Too bad that we already brought our "damit na pampaligo" and readied our smiles for the unlimited photowhoring sessions. Awww... :'(

And the replacement for the misadventure? We ended up going to a museum that only Biology peeps (as what Grace has exclaimed) could appreciate.

Yeah, as if there were no museums back in Manila. Pota.

Good thing there were popcorn and cotton candy vendors and stalls selling accessories. We just let ourselves enjoy and forget the disappointing encounter. :'( [ Talaga? Nalimutan mo na yun? Ako di ko pa rin nalilimutan. Lintek na Sta. Cruz Island yun. - JC ]

***

By night, we were boarded to the ferry, with constant airing of Superferry's latest single by Sharon Cuneta "Kelan ka huling nasiyahan, bago ka dumating sa pupuntahan, sa bagong Superferry... Happy Trip." :) Jp was glad to know that we could have more bonding sessions via the videoke tripping. Yeah, but we first had to pay for a meal that costs P50 above before we could have our vocal cords "an ooovernight's use." Hehehe. At dahil gusto naming apat na kumanta, nag-patak-patak kami para lang makabuo ng meal na nagkakahalaga ng singkwenta pesos. At walang hanggang videoke na 'yun! Palakpak ang tenga ni Jp. :p

By the second night, we decided to go at the roof deck to view how the ferry was fighting against the waves at a speed of nearly 150 miles/hour. Naks, parang totoong nasukat! Kunwari lang pero ganun ang estimate ko.

At dahil sa likas kaming mga bata, natuwa naman kami sa lakas ng hangin na animo'y tatangayin ang isang patpating hindi lalagpas ang timbang sa 90 lbs. At dahil dito, kaming mga bata ay naglaro na kunwari ang isa sa amin ay may super powers na kayang patalsikin ang mga kalaban sa bisa ng hangin. In fairness, lumabas ang acting prowess ni Grace (At ang Tala ay iginawad kay... Marian Grace Pagtakhan para sa papel na Boy Hangin. Clap, clap, clap). Hahahaha. [ Right. - JC]

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Kakaawa kami. Pero hindi nga. Masarap kayang maglaro ng ganun. Promise. Hehehe. :p

***

After the two-day trip via ferry, we had our ways parted. And the four of us, being exhausted, scruffy, exasperated and all, headed to our homes to give the much-awaited pasalubongs by the ones we left for 10 days--ang isang tambak ng maruruming damit. Bwahahaha. For sure, na-miss din naman nila kami... kahit papaano. ;p

[ Jc's note: sorry, tinamad lang ako kaya pinagtripan ko yung post ni Paul. :p ]

Zam notes 02: It�s a little okay

2005-04-23T18:45:00.000+08:00

Saturday, April 09 2005
3:55pm

At least we aren�t screwing too much McDonalds. If that�s good news.

When we landed at around 4:30pm yesterday I did wish for a minute that we wouldn�t be having coverages set on slanted muddy mountain tops while dodging trees. We wouldn�t be, if that�s any consolation, but we�d also be spending approximately 10 days roaming around the bastard son of Binondo and Cavite that is Zamboanga City.

It was Jay who pointed out the distinct aesthetic resemblance. The area, a little bigger than Cavite, still had the �probinsyano� feeling that you�d notice from 10,000 feet high�untouched mountain areas, virgin forests and patches of archaic farming. All visible from the plane�s wing. However, the surprise came after our landing: the streets all look suspiciously like�

�It�s the bastard son of Binondo!� claimed Jay as I took a shot of the streets and its archaic buildings. It�s Manila in 1975.

From where we stood, I could see Paul and JP gingerly looking around at our first hotel prospect: something named like G hotel, my brain refused to remember. With our overly eager self-appointed tour guide--the tricycle driver--we were taken into the next potential hotel which initially got our consent�note that it got especially Paul�s--because of the beautiful perk: Jacuzzi. Next stop, Hotel Astoria.

�Bakit ayaw ninyo sa G Hotel?� I asked Paul after he settled himself next to me in the conveniently huge tricycle. Jay sat in the space in front of us and looked around. G hotel, as Manong Driver claims, is �walking distance� from the area of Prisaa, and offers nice prices anyway. In fact, MD (yes, Manong Driver. It�s hard consistently spelling his name out) seemed suspiciously too favorable of the place.

�Hindi ninyo kasi nakita yung lugar. Eh parang pag natulog tayo doon, gagawin tayong Zamboanga Scandal, eh. Ang pangit kaya!� tells Paul with disgust. As graphic ideas came into my head, a shudder came to me. No frigging way.

Jay and I were made to wait again with MD outside as Paul and JP did the checking when we got to Hotel Astoria. After a couple of unfortunate un-bookings, we decided to unload ourselves at that place and see the other hotels by foot. We gingerly paid MD P100 as he asked to be paid according to how much we think we should pay him. He gave us this look.

�Pwede bang pa dagdag? Inikot ko kayo, eh.�

Paul irately shoved an orange bill. We trooped over to another possible hotel. Alas, it couldn�t book us for the first night because of an unstable initial reservation, but offers to place us on substandard rooms while waiting for the suite of our choice to go vacant. The two tried checking out another possible hotel, then left Jay and I again inside the hotel with all our bags. I didn�t mind. There was a phone which would give me an NDD call for only P5 a minute. I�m starting to like Zamboanga already.

�Katatawag lang ni Papa mo kay Paul!� my mom greeted me on the line. Hmm. That was eager.

�Bakit si Paul ang tinawagan? Bakit hindi na lang ako?�

�Hindi ka daw makontact, eh. Kumusta na? Nasaan ka na?�

�Nasa Manila pa kami!�

�Di nga?�

I laughed. �Hindi. Dito na kami. Di ko maintindihan mga tao dito. Chabacano kasi.�

JP�s head was seen from the front door a few minutes after I placed down the phone. �Dun na tayo sa kabila,� he announced.

Jay and I brought all the bags to Hotel Perlita, our next prospect which will turn out to be our home for the next 10 days or so. We went to our respective rooms and laid on the bed.

I sighed while Paul stretched beside me. �Zamboanga. Sa wakas.�

---------------------------

The afternoon after, we found out that the price of our dinner last night was actually the common price of the food in Zamboanga: roughly P60 for the price of carenderia-tasting food that doesn�t even include the rice and drinks. It didn�t take us much intellect to realize that we�re fast on our way to getting broke and hungry.

Since the games will be on Monday, we had two more days to go around Zamboanga. So that Saturday, we decided to spend the afternoon playing billiards and drinking beer.

Nyeta, wala kasing bilyar at beer sa Manila.

�

That night we tried looking for other places to eat, and decided to settle for Chowking instead. At least for P50 we already have complete dinner with drinks. The night was spent on lounging around, and flicking on random channels on cable.

And that�s how we spent our first two nights in Zamboanga. Cute no?

Zam notes 01: don't credit dullness

2005-04-17T21:18:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, April 12, 2005
02:45pm

Afraid I'm not giving Zamboanga due credit. Blame on smug city kid attitude. May have been initially amazed by overhead views of whole rolls of greens but currently mocking place for emerging as a substandard city.

Quiet Zamboanga life may be overwhelming for some people, but as much as it struck us as slightly peculiar, it has also dawned on us that most of our Zamboanga experiences would rely on the peace and quiet the city so treasures, and not the noise, excitement and adventure we were looking for. At 9pm everything shuts down. Our system doesn't do so until 1am at the very least.

Last night, we were asked by one of the store keepers from where we had our dinner at what we like about Zamboanga. I am not sure whether what we answered were what we really "like", but maybe just listing down differences that set Zambo apart from Manila or Cavite. Obviously the superficial peace emerged as number 1. The lady laments that behind it lies the tremors of fear aroused everytime the feet of rebels or bandits walk around the tranquil streets. It seems they were forced to endure lives that seem meek but is just an aftermath of gun-armed men's wrath. Apparently death isn't the only prominent by-product of bullets.

I almost wanted to enlist the nearby sea, but not much of it can be appreciated. The sun rises opposite the place of the sea, so sunrise isn't so beautiful in Zamboanga seas. Monday morning I tried to wake up early and jog around hoping for a moment alone that both I and Zamboanga can commune with, something to possibly cherish along with other possible Zambo moments. But as I gingerly set my feet on the beach's sandy shores filled with sea weeds and some garbage, I lamented the loss of connection I hoped would transpire. Above me a warning about high content of coliforms saddened me more. Rendering a sea unusable to nature-lovers might be the worst punishment to a sea already bereft of the white-sand beauty and cleanliness of shores.

Technology-wise though, I have not much to say. According to Matt Zamboanga imports their computers from nearby countries like Malaysia, making their systems at par with that of Manila's. DSL's at P20 with cameras and headsets along with their Pentium 3&4s. Not bad, actually. Even our class B hotel has wi-fi around its building.

As much as I am trying to be fair with Zambo, I cannot help but be a little impolite with my own judgements. When your expectations fail you tend to compare, and in my case, the nearest of course would be Manila and its ad-populated streets screaming of development and consumerism. But I and the rest have not really explored the outer skirts of Zam, and since time for that is precious, we might not be able to accomplish our task.

What is Zam famous for anyway? The flowers which we don't see much of. The festival is far from our visiting date. Our calendars don't tell us much.

But I'm still convinced I might find something beautiful in the area still. After all, I'm still around.

I'm off to Zam!!

2005-04-08T01:30:00.000+08:00

Hahahaha. Found this in Friendster, for April 07 2005 (that's April 08 for us).

Oh, galing ano? Hehehe.

---------------------------------------
You know when you get this feeling that maybe you shouldn't say something but you say it anyway and you just feel so stupid afterwards for saying it? Somehow I was raped many times by that feeling and yet I wasn't even able to report it to Bantay Bata before I could even stop my lips. Harm done. Now JP and Paul know how stupid I am to think that I'd actually find myself as a proudly alienated tourist over at Lucena, Quezon.

Okay. So sue me if back then I was a bumbling tourist who was just itching to get out of Cavite. I was honestly hoping I wouldn't be able to understand the dialect of the next person I'd ask directions from when I was there. But alas, I go, "Manong, asan po ang McDo dito?" and the guy gives me the directions, his Tagalog more polished than my dad's car in the morning.

7:10 pm. "Anong iniisip mo?! Lucena yun, eh. Luzon ka pa rin, Tagalog mga tao dito!" JP nearly screamed a while ago while we were on our way to SM Bacoor to purchase the boat tickets that would take us LATER on (it's 1:56am, couldn't sleep) to Zamboanga.

"Di ba Region 4 pa rin yun?" Asks Paul. They were not laughing that loud, but I was really really squirming.

"Eh malay ko bang ganoon yun. Hindi ko na naisip yun dahil sobrang excited ako, eh!" I said defiantly. Of course, I knew they wouldn't buy that.

"Pwes, pagdating mo ng Zamboanga, doon, Cha-chavacanuhin ka dun!" Paul affirmed with a slight chuckle.

Yeah, that's what I want. The good, authentic, out-of-Luzon-and-into-nowhere-with-hopefully-sanitized-toilets. Zamboanga, wait for us.

7:40 pm. �Hon dun lang kami sa may air phils sa tabi ng mR. quickie.� I was out rummaging for what seemed like P18 comic book sandman series of whatever at Booksale when I got the text. I left the two boys haggling at the Super Ferry counter at the east wing.

Tina says Super Ferry�s really good, except she hasn�t ridden one that�s moving on water. Brought kids on a fieldtrip, she says. I couldn�t wait myself to try it out. I haven�t really ridden a boat, save a few banca rides when my father used to have this banca in my younger years. Our trip to Thailand in �95 saw airplanes.

�Magbabarko kayo?!� My mother outrageously asked me the other night after she found out the vehicle of choice. We�re going boat to Zam, then plane back to Manila.

�Kung nalaman ko yan dati pa, hindi na kita pinayagan! Eh seasick ka, eh!�

I pause for almost a few painfully sarcastic minutes. �Uhm, ma, paano ninyo nalamang seasick ako, eh hindi pa ako nakakasakay ng barko?�

She was obviously caught.

�Wala na daw space, puno na daw,� Paul announces after I trace their location. �Plane tayo.�

�Lahat? O sa MegaValue lang?� I asked, citing the �kiddie meal/value meal� trip of Super Ferry. Honestly, it could have been better if they named it that way, and if the trip comes with a free toy.

�Lahat.�

Urk. I guess we�re flying. But the boat ride we�re saving for later.

11:08pm. Hon, old domestic airport tayo. �

Hmm. Paul�s still awake. Not a surprise, really, since probably everyone�s doing what I�m doing: not getting any sleep and downing lots of caffeine.

2.13am Click. Clack. Click. Click. Clack. Clackety clack clack clakety clack. Click click.

Can�t sleep. Can�t sleep. Canasdfkjlkjlk.lkjadslkfjalkjfoia fajdfjas;kdfja �i.

I�ve already packed up. I�m afraid I have to do a quick trip to school tomorrow to get some things at the office before we leave. No choice, I�m the nearest. If I don�t sleep I might kill my self while going to Dasma in the morning. But I still can�t sleep.

I would have provided a pic of my ticket to make this blog entry better, but I already packed my cam and cord so I won�t forget. Bringing my rechargeable too. Btw, Jace, I bought a Sanyo 2500 at Quiapo for only P1580. Max tipped me about that.

Anyway, I changed the index back so it�d forward to the blogspot page. I was supposed to redirect only after the Pope has been buried, but I might not be able to update in Zam. JP�s afraid they might have only Pentium 1 comps. Bad JP.

I�m bringing my phone anyway, so just in case, just holler! ;)

2005-03-30T18:48:00.000+08:00

Pasensya na sa malikot na pagiisip, ngunit kailangan ko lamang itong maiparating:

Something I tripped on after double-checking some facts for my MTV VJ Hunt 2005 article for Fudge:

http://www.yehey.com/lifestyle/nightlife/article2.aspx?id=12167

Giving emphasis on the paragraph about a half-European girl who's jinxed in love. And on the second paragraph pertaining to steamy "indiscreet" affairs between the sheets.

Wow. Isn't this such a lovely time to be bisexual? Ah, such lovely world out there. I wonder if I can convince CINDY KURLETO and BRENT JAVIER that it's better spent with me?

*calling Tina* :D

(btw, Paul claims the girl probably ISN'T Cindy Kurleto. Point is, how many UGLY senior VJs do you know? NADA.)

Fabric conditioned old heap

2005-03-17T11:15:00.000+08:00

"frnds 4 quite
som tym
so0n 2 prt.
1s we shrd,
cried
bt n0w
we bid farewel
coz_____
colege lyf
as we oL knw
s OVER.
gudLyf___
guLuv
gudL�ks
SENIORS 05'
n0w signing-off!"

-Mark Baquiran
17 March 2005
02:56 am

I found myself staring at this old heap while I was sorting out my laundry this morning. Out of some melancholic urge, I just looked at it for a long time, and whether it's because I am moved with the idea that I am finally going to be able to wash clean my bacteria's lounge or that I was actually able to wake up early in the morning (thanks to my niece who got here at 6:30am) is still lost to me, but after those few minutes I could not resist the urge to get out the camera and take a few photos of it.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my school uniform. Like its predecessors, after years of usage it has become grayish and somewhat soft on the sides, enduring typhoons and sun blasts and hours-long travels and media productions and trips to the loo and overly saccharine moments as well as double overly squirming-ly corny moments bursting every now and then. It has experienced bad hair days to squirming freshmen jitters to smug senior looks. It has eavesdropped on dozens of class secrets, even best friend talks and lately this year, the intimate talks quite different from the usual platonic exchanges.

It has been quite a puzzle to me why I never bothered to name them. Aside from the fact that it's silly, of course, but coming to think of it, as four days in my academic week requires attendance of that green and white pair, we have become more than acquainted friends but partners in daily life. When I feel down they miraculously slop around, and when I am quite blissful they share my sentiments as well and somewhat frisk up trying to keep up to par. We have both been going through the same directions, only parting when she needs to rest along with the bacteria-lounge heap or finally take that much-awaited refreshment.

However, unlike me, this heap is going to follow after its predecessors, which have either become now indistinguishable rags, or taken other lives as old towels for the dogs, or cut up pieces of fabric to practice non-existent sewing skills on. The luckier piece of my old uniform went to a family friend who fancied the way my mother has sewn my skirts back in elementary and borrowed it for design pattern. We never got it back, and of course, it's not like we're going to put up a court case for doing so. We were just relieved to dispose of those navy blue skirts accordingly.

I, on the other hand, will be taking after a different life after graduation. It's a pity my partner would never even become a witness to my coming up on stage, but since uniforms have faster growing years than dogs, it has subtly told me that it's not going to make it there on stage proudly anymore. The other day I made sure my uniforms wouldn't even see the wardrobe I am going to wear on that day. They might get jealous.

Sigh. It would have been easier to part with the archetype of my four years in college if I had the nerdiest "lesser-people" experience of it. But I don't. I had two years of common college life bountiful of explorations, I had my third year full of bonding experience, and I had my fourth year celebrated with newly acquainted friends. Just when I thought my life was at its peak with my classmates on my third and fourth year, I got to experience the savvy yet obviously equally nerdy (but nevertheless elitists) people of Heraldo Filipino. In the middle I was even making new acquaintances in the rock scene. And then there were also friends I was able to cherish during my OJT stays. I almost had no reason to stay in our house. If I don't move I feel I'd lose half of my life.

Some of them of course I'd be able to still keep in touch with after. That�s what the emails, blogs and chats are for, my dear theoretical sister, Cholo even declares. But somehow, the toga gives me the ticket to move on aboard a train fast going nowhere. I can only visit once in a while, but the action is somehow lost. You're not a present-part of them anymore; you only become a (hopefully well-treasured) has-been.

Yesterday JP gave me an unsolicited advice about what I can do after I graduate. It was actually a nice suggestion, considering it was also a vehemently-denied "conjugal" advice with my news editor Maycee (yes, JP. I still stand by my label of it). Why not become a part of the teaching force? JP asked. CAD needs people like you. I Fervently denied him the answer he was hoping for. Nofrigingway.

It would have been a spanking great idea if not for two reasons: that one, I do not read the word "teacher" written all over my face; two, I wouldn't want to teach students who are more bratty than I am, if not wittier and more sarcastic. Besides, I cannot see what I can teach except for I.T., and I do not have proper training with it except that I love to dabble in html once in a while. And I am still using an outdated software such as FrontPage, so it's not as idealistic as it can turn out.

That's the problem with you people, JP reacts, a touch of bitterness apparent. How are we going to revolutionize (read: my word) the CAD faculty? How are we going to change the ailing faculty of LaSalle if you're not willing to take part in changing it?

I silently chuckled at my own ideals being thrown at my face. First of all, do not think that I have not considered that. But given my position as a fresh graduate and given my experience, drive is not enough. I have been a student once, JP, as we all have been. And we all know how we scoff at professors who are teaching subjects which are not their forte. And considering the small number of faculties around, if I dare it I might be subjected to teach some subject I am near clueless about, and I wouldn't want to repeat history by mocking my students and claiming I know something about it even if I don't. If I believe in teaching excellence, I wouldn't submit my self.

I rinsed my uniform for possibly the last time. Didn't think twice about putting fabric conditioner on it, even if it may live a peaceful life inside my cabinets afterwards. I did cherish my college life, you know. So I wouldn't let those uniforms dry just like that. As much as I wouldn't let my college years go dry either.

As much as I deny the thought that I care for my own school, somehow I do. And I probably always will. It had a few holes, but still good enough to cherish. And JP, I do somehow hope I can do something good for my school when the time comes. It has given me the best four years of my life, even if not purely academically, but at least the grounds of De La Salle University - Dasmari�as has become a venue for friendships and minds and memories which are currently making my eyes a bit moist on the sides, and which would probably trigger teardrops come graduation day. Because I would not just miss the lovely people of Heraldo Filipino, or the people I were able to meet on the side, the people at orgs, the teachers who have shared lessons with me, or yes, even the Sinag Political Party people who have become nice acquaintances on my 3 years in college, and of course, to my great batch mates and especially my block mates who have shared wonderful four years with me in this university. We're the fourth section but never the underrated lot. I would never �just� miss them. I would GREATLY miss them.

Four years. The last year was even the best. After four years, like my uniforms which have taken different colors with all those travels and experiences, I have proudly caught a shade of different colors given by different lovely people, and even more proudly, I have become soft on the sides. I'd definitely put a conditioner on those memories I have of those years too. Because I'd definitely come back again and again and sniff them inside my cabinets. Because I'd definitely miss you.

All of you.

Thanks for making my stay here better than I expected. I'd really miss you all.

Love lots,

Marian Grace Hernaez Pagtakhan

It's not all about idealism. It's about graduating. (labo)

2005-03-14T01:26:00.001+08:00

Don't you just hate it when people refrain from contacting or keeping in touch with you just because they "don't want to disturb you"?

Like as if the wait for them to breathe life into your hopes isn't enough disturbance.

Sorry. Just irritated.

- - -

And now, the clincher.

After weeks of experiencing dehydrating, nauseating and vomit-inducing anxiousness, we have finally come around to the absolutes and my fate was decided upon.

I am ~~not~~ graduating.

Hell, yeah!

Yes. Give me your claps. After weeks of struggle, I was able to make the necessary improvements and supplements that I'm finally going to graduate! My endless gratitude to all those who dropped by my site, read my sos, and offered a prayer or two for my intentions . To hell with the flamers. (but I was able to talk to that person, apparently she doesn't even know who the fuck I am and wouldn't even care a hoot. Random blog hopper. Just decided she'd give hell to the next ailing person) I'm now graduating, and I am plainly thankful as of this moment. Because yes, we have finally reached the end.

...of being an academic dependent. Start of either becoming a bum (ah ah! Not just ANY bum, but read: PROFESSIONAL BUM), a dream trailer, or a mindless yuppie because of all those calls and numbers coming in. Hello, Convergys. Take me in, People Support.

Up till now I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Save for the daily requisite breathing and living, plans of leaving for mother planet are still on hold. I had honestly idealistic plans back then. Study M.A. Or take Creative Writing, Literature, or Journalism at a well-known state school, if ever they decide to take me in for some mental retardation support/back-to-school program or something. Take a second course on graphic and website design at UST (they have good fine arts programs) or yet another state school. Or apply for a magazine/ad company/any jilted company who'd take me and make me realize my dreams. And then I'd come back to my school and hold pre-graduation symposiums with me smugly starting off with words such as, "I just wanted to pursue my dreams, you know, and so should you. You should not be pressured by the real world. Money is evil, blah blah."

Pffft.

Reality check--basic questions:
a) What is your position right now?
b) What are your resources as of this moment?
c) Any chance nepotism can save you?

My answer:
a) Fresh grad. Currently clueless. Somewhat lost. Have absolutely no idea what to do.
b) Money: none. People who'd adapt a photowhoring fresh-out-of-school bum and give me money because I'm "cute": none. Schools applied to: none. Ideas: none.
c) No. None of my relatives are working in the field I want anyway.

Sigh. Gone are the idealistic notions. Gone are the dreams. Hello truth: we all need money. But I don't have anything much.

Well, I have a lighter though. I can have a degree on lighting up cigarettes and earn a living that way.

Hmm. I remember JD. He's one conceited friend of mine but then he has the right to anyway. One time I tried to ask him out for a ciggie break. I don't smoke anymore, he claims. Yeah right. JD with no vices is like JD without half of his cerebral functions, and that's virtually a flawed concept.

Well, yeah, if you ask me if I smoke, I'd say yes, he explains. But only on occasions. It has become a status symbol, you know, of your social life. You don't smoke, but because you have to socialize, then occasionally, you will. Pakikisama yan, eh. You don't want it, but you do it to save your life. Sooner or later you can let go of that. It's what you have.
Hmm. Pretty much makes sense. See, if I have to live I have to do stuff I don't like. For the moment. I can kiss ass just to live, and when I finally realize that I can finally live without it, maybe I'll be fine. Make money and kill your dreams for a bit, like a cigarette does to you. It kills you but you earn friendship somehow. And when you're finally on a good plane, that's when you try quitting smoking and make truth happen.

Or you can pursue what you want already. It depends on you, I guess. But right now, all I know is that I have a lighter. That's all I have.

Because it's summer.

2005-03-13T03:14:00.000+08:00

And because we are camwhores. And because it's the season to change layouts again. It's going to be the last time that I'd be following a semestral layout change. Unlike Viva whose creativity twitches almost every hour and therefore needs to fuel her need to fiddle with photoshop or else suffer chronic neurotic-ness, I simply follow a semestral pattern, therefore lesser pressure.

But since it is going to be the last summer of my college years--no, actually, it's the first summer OUT of college--I need a change of layout.

Sigh. I still haven't written my grad post, or at least I haven't finished it. Hopefully by the end of the day I will. It's going to be late again.

Anyway, enjoy the greens. I'm gonna miss that when I'm out of the university. I'm sure Paul will too.

2005-03-12T01:19:00.000+08:00

Because of our lack of better technologies in order to zap a person every time an email comes, I was not able to utilize my afternoon rightly. I had a friend supposedly coming to play basketball with me, but alas, he obviously didn't get my mail. Or maybe he did, but ditched me. That buffoon.

So I slept. Woke up at around eightish, the little guy in Rizal claims I was abusing sleep. Or something to that effect. I've been waiting for months for this kind of opportunity to come along, that I nearly failed that darned morning subject because of excessive sleep. So of course I'm gonna abuse it. The hell if I don't. Anyway, I thought I needed to find a few reco-cards or those dainty-looking cards verifying my attendance on the recollections I attended imposed by our school for clearance. See, if we become the next president we need to verify that even if we are hogging millions we are righteous people because we attended LaSalle's Recollections. You may never know. So I unearthed a couple of envelopes that housed some of those cards, but I couldn't resist a glimpse on a few of my reco notes from my precious blockmates. You know, small post-its with monosyllables. Peppered with a collection of words which are virtually repeated at every attempt to write a classmate a letter, like, "Muzta?" or "You've been such a good friend" or "whatthefuckamIwritingcanyou
justgivemeasmallnotetoobecauseIwroteyouoneanditwouldbefriggingniceifIseeanote
fromyouinmyrecoenvelopesoIcansayIamloved."

It was obvious though the theme every year. First year was full of pretentions. Hi, thanks for making me your friend, sana maging close pa tayo, I feel we need to bond, blah blah. Second year had markings of slight gratitude and even hope of having better days. Third year saw more dramatic notes, with people finally telling you what they really like about you and actually attempt at a couple of biting truths because of the two and a half years of bonding. But amazingly, what I'm a bit intrigued at, is why my collection of notes on my fourth year revealed to contain rather passive notes. Almost everyone regressed to writing small paragraphs, pretty generic. I admittedly got lazy writing notes too. Considering we're about to leave each other.

Three things:
a) Either we already know each other we wouldn't need to kiss each other's ass
b) We just couldn't see the purpose, it's just laziness
c) We're somewhat afraid the last goodbye through letters is going to be teary.

Me thinks we're just lazy.

Anyway, I decided to come back again to my job of being a pro-bono site faker (okay, webmaster) of a certain band. Hoping to get things done before April, which is a bit ambitious considering I wouldn�t be able to utilize the computer for one week on holy week, and I still don't have the requisite info I'm supposed to post. The band and I are both clinging on to nothing, honestly.

Let's just hope I'd be able to churn out graphics as good as Viva and things will be okay. Speaking of which, Viva, no, of course I'm not going to write those Viva-heart-whoever stuff. What's the need; I can always look at you and still convey the same message, more efficiently even. ;) Nah, sarap kasing mag comment minsan. Galing ka rin naman kasi magsulat. Besides, paano pag hindi na tayo nagkita? Wala nang communication. Tsk.

Naks. Feeling welcome-to-the-unemployed na kaagad ako. :p

to cholo

2005-03-10T22:39:00.000+08:00

Livejournal says my isp prevents me from posting my comment on your recent blog. Well actually, it is livejournal which claims my isp is prone to be spreading spam of some sort so they can't post my words, and I don't have a frigin' dot of an idea what exactly in hell LJ means by that.

Actually, I have an LJ account, but I don't want to revive that, plus, I *think* I deliberately have forgotten my address.

anyway, here goes my comment:

--------------------------
It just came to me that your twin sister Viva does not have any contraption of some sort in her site which can possibly allow visitors and possible stalkers to comment on her rather inane (yet still immensely goth) collection of words why is that? (yes, say all those in one breath)

ah. You want to borrow my camera? It is open to all budding potential camerawhores. It also loves closet camwhores who deny themselves the happiness of seeing themselves in a pixel-full 800x600/1024x768 composition.
-----------------------

There. Thank you.

eto pa!

2005-03-08T00:37:00.000+08:00

Sobra na ba? Eto pa isa, o. Isang folder puno sa isang araw lang.

Pasensya kayo, cute kami eh. May angal? (di bale, sa susunod, di na mashado camwhoring. Naguubos lang ako ng maipo-post. Di pa ako handa dun sa susunod kong post, eh.)

office scenes

2005-03-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

Tangina, ba't ang cute namin? *cackles*

Congratulate the little guy. He was nominated as one of the students vying for the title of St. John somethingsomething Award for Student Excellence (? or Service? I think it's Excellence). He wasn't able to grab it, but at least he was one of the highest four contenders. *proud girlfriend* Hehe.

Pero kahit na. Cute pa rin kami.

oooh!

2005-02-26T06:07:00.000+08:00

*cholo taunting accent*

I just got a friendster invite from sooomeooone...

Whastat you call him again, Cholo? That guy your friend is flirting with but is trying to fake this "I'm innocent, he's innocent, we are SO NOT flirting with each other" look in front of you?

Ahh. Calling that gurl whose crush just added me: alam mo bang pa-cute (na cute din naman) ang crush mo? :D

doodling around.

2005-02-24T01:12:00.000+08:00

THERE ARE ONLY THREE times of which I could remember significantly running after someone. The first was placed on a rather figurative level (although still experienced a certain degree of running after); the second time placed a different meaning on serendipitous rains. I thought I was opening my heart. And after I thought I did, he revolted on the thought and hailed the nearest possible cab. I ran after; he gave me a significant look and sped away. Months after, we'd just be laughing about the incident over Yahoo Messenger. But after that, I regarded drizzles and rains with slight cynicism, albeit on a different light.

The third night was not any different. There weren't any rains, but there was a slight hazy effect on the atmosphere possibly brought about by the slight amount of beer playing with my innards. I was sitting on our front steps, almost dumb founded. His steps faded from the corner. He did not look back. Not like he used to.

I still sat there, dumbly looking ahead. For a few seconds. Maybe minutes.

Then I found myself slowly getting up. I uttered something unaudible. I can't even remember. My hands automatically made its way to the gate. I heard the clink in the lock. And then footsteps. Slowly. Slowly. Slowly regaining speed. Faster. Faster.

And then, stop.

He was gone.

He was gone. That fast. I wasn't even able to say properly what I meant to say.

And that was it. Like the other events before this, I was left again standing, dumbfounded, somewhere under the stars, still wondering exactly what the hell those tears were for when it was all my fault in the first place.

------------------

We're all heading towards one direction,
with all the bumps and possible turns,
but how much more shall I wait,
before I reach the next safe stop?

Hopefully not too long. I'd be able to breathe again.

------------------

If you can guess who that guy is on... err... supposedly cartoon-Adraiene's shirt, you'll win a prize. I'll think what I'll give.

This contest basically excludes Cholo, Viva, Marthy, Jay, Kurei, Lyndon Gregorio, and all the other Piro/Largo/www.Megatokyo.com fans out there.

Oops, did I say the answer? *cackles* This is my new comic net obsession. Try it. It's actually worth your extra aside-from-chat-and-porno net time.

------------------

Yes! Contrary to popular beliefs, I'm alive!!

Well...now what?

Please. Pray for me.

2005-02-09T20:44:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry. I have my reasons for not updating. I have tons of things to tell you guys. But right now, I have to do the right things I MUST do.

Please. I beg you. Pray for me. Pray for me. I need all your prayers. I need to pull off something. I know I had to pay for my sins, but I just wish I get redemption. I know I deserve that redemption somehow. Please. Pray. For me. Please. I really beg you.

PLEASE. PRAY. FOR ME.

cold.

2005-01-29T23:36:00.000+08:00

I didn't realize how tiring a retreat can be...

...until I realized my mind and heart got so drained, I wanted to hug the people I miss the most--but while the other was unable to grant my request of a meeting, I came home to my mother's cold shoulder.

I feel sick. Inside out.

stop it.

2005-01-26T10:48:00.000+08:00

Things are long overdue. I have been procrastinating on everything far too long. And somehow, someday, they're going to backfire on me. I have to learn things that way.

The pitiful, pathetic, and hurting way.

Sigh. To everyone, I'm so sorry. I am just lost in a limbo for a while.

---------

I miss some old things. I miss the times when things weren't as complicated as now. I wish angst did not get the better of me. But it did. Rational thinking was corrupted.

Or maybe it IS rational thinking that was on full swing, telling me to finally make a stand.

And now, I'm sick of things. I'm sick of the way things are not bending to how I wish they would bend. Things are trying to hit me behind my back. People are putting up plots thinking I would not understand. Please, for crying out loud, my logical thinking may be equal to my drunk self everytime, but I could still think. And I could see behind your actions. And I do know when I should sympathize. Or on some cases, put up a fierce front. because it's just not funny how you do things anymore.

Forgive me. But I have had enough. When I have finally put my finger on things, your hopes will crumble right before your very eyes. You need to see reality.

quick update 02

2005-01-24T01:26:00.000+08:00

Nag loloko ang photobucket account ko. Di ako makapagpost ng maayos.

Di bale. Meron pa akong hanggang the end of the week to post those things. But the sooner the better.

Aaanyway...

Nagc-crave ako ng kiamoy. Oo, yung redish stuff na maalat-alat. Dati bumili kami ng kapitbahay ko ng sandamukal na mga kending akala namin ay kiamoy. Kundol pala yung puta. Nagsuka tuloy kami.

Gusto ko ulit ng kiamoy. Bigyan ninyo naman ako, oh. Promise, kapalit ay ~~pasasalamat~~ pagmamahal na pang habambuhay. O, di ba? Subject to my own discretion pa iyon. So try ninyo na rin.

Sige na. Gusto ko talaga ng kiamoy. *makes puppy eyes*

-----

Just so you know, retreat ko sa Friday.

So bilang online friends ko, nire-require ko kayong igawa ako ng retreat letter. Minimum of ten pages. Verdana. 8pt. Single spaced.

Hehe. Pass out kayo. :D

Di nga. That would be nice. Send ninyo na lang sa evilpupil@gmail.com. Sige na. Please? :)

(in)dependence

2005-01-19T05:24:00.000+08:00

This is the guy I have sworn to love.

Oh god. Teka lang, magtatago lang ako. Baka patayin ako nun for doing this. *laughs*

There was this interesting point that one of my theoretical brothers, Jay E (as Cholo proclaimed me as his new theoretical sister [and with that, also proclaiming Adraiene his theoretical brother-in-law], I now have two gay brothers (kidding, Jay) who "theoretically" shared my mundane spawning for 9 months inside my mother's placenta), have told Adraiene while I was having a heated (not to mention sugar-high) argument with JP last night in front of De La Salle University - Dasmari�as' 7-11 branch. The other would loyally tell me while on the way home that Jay claims that since I have got on with him, it seems I have forgotten how to go home. Like it seemed I have gotten so dependent of the guy.

"Eh dati nga umuuwi ng [mag-isa ng] alas-kuwatro ng madaling araw yun, eh!" Jay says with a laugh.

First off, I can still get home alone at around 4 am, thank you very much. And secondly, believe me when I say he was sooo dead unserious when he was saying that.

Celebrating the 105th day together, I don't have much of the credibility to speak of dependency. Compared to every inane relationships that have gone before my spawning, I have no real edge in explaining such things either. But coming to think of it, in more ways than one I have found my self conforming to a lot of things I haven't really thought of being involved in since more than four months ago.

I guess, it has been more than just going home finally not alone. A few months before this day nobody bothered to call up anyone to ask if I got home okay unless my parents realize they wake up not finding me abusing the internet connection in the wee hours of the morning. Nobody would really ask for my company unless everyone has gone and I was the last resort. Nobody would find me missing unless they have another one of those group seatworks and they need another member ready to help save a few students' asses, or unless Juret needs to work out the thesis bugs. And I'm sure as hell nobody would notice me at HF missing either until Maycee, my beautiful editor (I'm going to be late on one of my articles again, so I'm sucking up), realizes she's a few articles short and I haven't complied yet.

Before, I can go on anywhere without anyone asking where I would be going. I would come to class one time and tell them of things I found out, like a free movie screening at the deep recesses of Cubao, and they'd just be surprised I made it there alone. I'd meet up with a few guys at gigs and go home alone, admittedly even drunk sometimes, at 3 or 4 am. And yes, I can go home alone and give nary a care for that.

I'm not a loner, really. I may be a little introverted sometimes, but I'd like to think I was more of independent. With a lot of things. In fact, one of the things I was afraid of before when it comes to relationships is that I'd alienate my partner by asking for too much time and space alone.

But in the span of more or less three months, I have actually developed a different kind of attitude--in fact, habit--of being involved. Now, there's the matter of informing the other where you are, what you're doing, if you've eaten, if you're fucking someone else. Okay, I was kidding on the last sentence. But now, everything has more or less involved interaction, give-and-take, information, attention and the dreaded four-letter-word. Once, I have told him I miss the space. I miss the independence, I miss the silence my phone brings. One day I woke up to no registered missed calls, no messages, and definitely no posts on the site messsage board or any other channel of communication. No anything. Found myself dreadfully worried. Just when I surmised he was sleeping, I found out on the later part of the day that he was just giving me the space I so longed for.

I was so irritated. Mostly on the fact that I realized how greatly I have changed.

Bjork--although sometimes her lyrics can get creepy--has this nice song about human behavior. It's amazingly weird and hard to figure out, this human behavior, but still amazingly attractive. One minute, just when you thought you understand everything, you find everything lost.

And like that, I have also lost the things I believed I knew. And what's more, I have adjusted. I may claim to not have lost most of what I believe in, but I have adjusted. I have adjusted to the idea of being in a relationship, and most of all, I have adjusted to becoming half a dependent. If that's how they call it. Like a lot of things in this world, I have adjusted. Bad thoughts, internet, cheating, dropping promises and other things. I have adjusted.

I can still get home at 4 am. Don't worry about me. I'm just trying to think what will happen if things get ugly just when I have adjusted. I wonder if my eyes would still be as dry as I found them before I tried to get home at 4 am. Alone.

quick update

2005-01-17T01:27:00.000+08:00

tambak ng trabaho.

Daming ASS-ignments.

May pending pang articles.

Mahabahabang transcriptions na gagawin.

Mga websites na dapat tapusin.

Isa lang ang katapat niyan...

Isang malupit na hi. :) May sun sim na ako. Tawagan ninyo na lang ako sa 0922.450.1514 Sabihin ninyo, "Kaya mo yan, JC!" or "Cute ka pa rin, JC!" Para mauplift ako. :)

beautification...to make the world a better place

2005-01-13T01:31:00.000+08:00

Obviously the photo whores. :)

Real People

2005-01-03T16:36:00.000+08:00

I have placed myself on a corner, or so like Luke Wilson says on the movie Alex and Emma. I have nowhere else to go. I have stopped churning out things deemed productive and just resorted to being irritated with my outputs.

And like any struggling underpaid poor and hungry young (graphic) artist, I am in dire need of my muse. I need to finish things asap, and I'm nowhere near starting. I knew this was headache the first time I thought of it, but I wanted this, so there.

Or maybe, like any other struggling underpaid poor and hungry young (graphic) artist, I am in need of a good lay.

Kidding. hehehehe.

Di nga, biro lang. Baka may ibang makabasa nito, mapatay ako. hehe.

-----------

Two of the most used (used, being films set on our player for another run for mind rape) films on my list of top visual stimulations/distractions are the film made by one of the best filmmakers in Korea, Chungking Express by Wong Kar Wai, and the queer french film Amelie. They have all the scratches and skips to prove for it.

But aside from the visual orgasm it gives, one of the reasons I have always adored watching them is the inner human struggle that always haunt the main characters - also known as the reality check. Although of course this is probably the most passe tale known in all human stories, the way they have presented it is almost light and sometimes even in passing, but still makes its mark.

Take for instance, the way Nino looked with anticipation on this beautiful girl who entered the pub Two Windmills where Amelie worked while he awaited the arrival of the girl who has boggled his mind for the past hours. Unlike most of the movies where in the leading lady is this girl who always took the viewers� breaths away, Amelie is instead depicted as the simple girl who was not entirely the dream of every man to walk inside Two Windmills, and Nino, being a normal guy who also somehow hopes for someone beautiful to walk into his life, naturally gives this longing gaze to this pretty girl who walks in and in fact even shows a hint of disappointment when he realizes Amelie was the girl he was tracing. Yet of course, in the end, it was Amelie whom he realizes complemented his life.

It was the same with Chungking express, when Tony Leung tells of how �on every flight, there�s a stewardess you want to seduce. And there, 30,000 feet above, I successfully managed to seduce one.� Everyone has their idea of the person they want to lust over, the archetype of a person they wish to have but sometimes maybe they don�t really deserve. The person who�s more beautiful than the stars. People who make us ache with desire. People like Josh Hartnett. Or Natalie Portman. For Tony Leung, it was this stewardess he knew wasn�t meant for him although he has lived his life around her because somehow, she was the one he wanted. Even if at a point he knew she wasn�t for him. So when after a weird twist of fate he finds Faye Wong�this amazingly half-irritating half-charming waitress at this 24-hour restaurant he always buys his food at�inside his apartment, he decides to clear �the runway� for another flight, this time, with Faye. And even when he sees the stewardess again, he just smiles, because maybe somehow deep inside, he knew it wasn�t her who would work out with him. It was, forgive me for using this, the substandard Faye.

But I am using the adjective �substandard� on a relative case. Upon watching last night an old movie by Kate Hudson and Luke Wilson, Alex and Emma, I was presented with a more concrete explanation of the ever present dilemma. In the story, the struggling writer Alex dictates the story he was desperate to have published to his stenographer Emma, about a man in the 60�s who falls in love with two women: Paulina, a girl his words of beauty were not enough for, however he would need $500,000 in order to win her because of the social status; the other, Anna, a simple maid in the house of Paulina but he feels a connection with. But Paulina may be the girl every guy would love to lose himself in her perfume being dabbed in her soft bosom, until, like Emma says, the time when the laundry needs to be done. In the end, Alex tells these words to Emma, on a last effort to win her:

�...emotions that he hoped he could catch on paper. When his thoughts turned to Paulina, it was as if she were some kind of dream�he remembered her flawless skin. Her dark intense eyes. Her captivating smile. Then one day that dream walked back into his life�her beauty was still undeniable. But it wasn�t the same. And she spoke of her feelings for him all he could think of was Anna�the sweet, caring beautiful Anna�and how his own failings had driven her away. Anna had become part of him. He had fallen so completely in love with her that it was hopeless to think that he could ever be with anyone else. And so, he said goodbye to Paulina and set off to win the heart of his true love. Yes, Paulina had been a dream like a creation from one of his stories but Anna was real. For the first time in his life that felt more powerful than anything he could ever invent.�

Yes, true enough, it�s cheesy. And yes, I quoted it from a cheesy love flick. But it is these movies that I learn to like�the same movies that prove that the truth is more powerful than those flawless, pimple-free people on celluloid who have undying love for the other because of their flawless, pimple-free loved ones, the truth being in the end, the physical beauty transcends that of the need for real people who do the laundry, or become witty waitresses. Because at the end, they become more beautiful than Natalie Portman.

Yes, that�s a tinge of bitterness for the beautiful people you hear. Yes. Shut up.

(I don�t mean, though, that males need girls merely to become their maids. I meant real people. Okay? I�m not yet a full-blown feminist, but I know what you mean if you�re thinking this, so stop. I�ll argue with you the next time. hehe.)

Happy chubby new year

2004-12-29T19:19:00.000+08:00

Nag fit ako sa harap ni Mama ng mga damit na nahalungkat ko mula sa aking kabinet kanina. Pang trip lang. At tini-tingnan rin namin kung kasya pa sa akin yung ibang mga damit ko. Hindi ko alam kung ituturing ko iyong insulto dahil para namang as if hindi na ako papayat pang muli. Pero ika nga ni Mama nung nakita niya ang kahubaran ng aking katawan kanina, hanggang new year lang ito. Mawawala rin yan.

*crosses fingers*

But anyway, I found this red blouse I haven't really had much guts to wear yet, or maybe the occasion calling for it hasn't risen yet so it has resorted to befriending spiders and cabinet dust inside the drawers. The blouse, which was a teeny-weeney-really-really-wee-bit revealing, was styled for places like Malate/Makati/Libis, and since I haven't really gotten into much happenings lately, I could only see myself wearing it in the mirror. Hmm. Maybe it's about time I ask Mark to yet another bar hop.

I gingerly placed on the outfit. I looked at my self in the mirror. My mother did too.

"You're getting fat."

Sigh. Expect to hear the things you don't want to hear from my mother.

"Can you really wear that? Your brothers are going to kill you."

"Which is WHY it's ESSENTIAL to wear this when they're already gone. Or when I'm not with them," I replied.

I took a couple more glances in the mirror.

"You DO understand you can't wear that with a bra."

I nodded.

"Can you really do that?" She ventured. "Walk around with err...you know."

I paused for a while. Then shrugged.

"It would look nice on your cabinet, then." She smiled, then went inside her room.

Sigh.

I really have to slim up.

------------------

I began my usual photowhoring the other day. I thought maybe I needed to replace my picture we put on display in the family room. I was then 7 years old. I'm already 19, for crying out loud.

Besides, I think I need to replace my friendster pictures. You know, vanity. Everyone has to answer to that need.

So I took a couple of shots on our back yard. Then my dog came up, so I was cuddling him around while I pushed the button.

Man. I'm going to age a few years after this, and I'm going to look back at these photos. I can almost hear my self saying, "God, I was THIS fat Christmas of 2004?!"

Sigh.

Krismas na naman.

2004-12-27T01:03:00.000+08:00

I just consumed the best tasting sandwich I've had this year. Not minding the fact of course that it also somewhat tastes of my fingers. I've prepared it myself, so I was extra generous on everything--the lettuce, the ham, the tomatoes, even the mayo, placing everything on like I haven't had enough of them since christmas. It was more than two inches thick. Yummy.

I don't mind the extra carbos, really. It looks delicious anyway. Besides, I didn't put in a gram since christmas. Believe me. Not a gram, not even an ounce.

Just a ton. *sigh*

I can feel the bulges already. I hate it how this chilly holiday always has to be attributed to food, too. I mean, can't we like have this "it's christmas, we should all cook food but never eat more than your stomach can hold (which should be limited to just a handful)" holidays? Sigh.

Christmas was nice this year, though. All the six of us were present, plus Chloe (on her first christmas, by the way), and two of my brothers' closest friends, Steve and Renato. My mom gave us yet another treat and made her famous spaghetti (she doesn't cook it Filipino style, you know, the abhorring spaghetti sauce with ketchup), which I by the way forced on Adraiene (Paul to you cyber people, that's his other name) when he came to our house on the 25th. I got a nice "coffee magic" cup from my second brother Chris and his girlfriend. I didn't have the heart to say I stopped drinking coffee, or at least for a week prior to Christmas, I have. I'm starting to heavily abuse it again to develop this lose-weight program I'm going to heavily enforce on myself. Sigh.

25th was spent with the first half eating (again) with the family sans my eldest brother and his wife but plus my brother's girlfriend Liza. We were all exchanging banters and mild laughter while I was fixing the ecard I was going to send to our US based relatives. All energy died down though and and wasn't able to greet Adraiene's arrival at around 4 pm, when everyone went to sleep instead. Bored, we ran to SM Bacoor to catch Kris' another effort at lame comedy. Boylet and I ended up laughing our heads off at Ranier's stoopid appearance, which was--probably like his career would end up being--short and abrupt, and would later on poke you with a question of what in hell was its purpose. The movie could stand strong without Ranier and Yasmien. And so could the showbiz stand (very very very) strong without the two.

We got home to a commotion. Well, okay, just way too many visitors. Ate Charm's brother Rc was there with his wife and two kids, and then later on came my tito's family (around 5 family members, plus yaya) who brought my father home from another get together with our other relatives. After a short isaw break the boylet and I took, we came home to find yet another visitor, a friend of my brothers with her son from a what we pressumed was their annual pamamasko. Amazing. They're Iglesians. *chuckles*

And then today the whole day was spent on Chloe. Yes, that little tot yet again stole the whole day and was the subject of all the photos taken today. They're still amazed at how the two-month-old can already talk to everyone through "oooohhs" and "aaaaahhs"; you know, sort of like what a baby does when it's doing an attempt at talking but can't. Also reminisced with one of the family's favorite movies, Mikee and Aga's Forever. Would you believe? My brother actually bought himself a dvd copy for christmas. He was one of those who were gravely saddened when Mikee got married to Dodot, because he was heavily into the Mikee-Aga tandem.

Hmm. Made me wonder what Aga would do if ever he married Mikee and got caught up with the Hacienda Luisita thingy (which, by the way, was also one of the locations in the movie).

Btw, am leaving you with a christmas message:

A nice christmas to you folks. And in case I forget (and if the video malfunctions), A really happy new year too. :)

Cleaning Time

2004-12-18T11:39:00.000+08:00

Contrary to the popular delusions of our neighbors, we do have a broom and dust pan at home. And yes, it�s functional and we are actually exceptional in utilizing it. Well, okay, so maybe not really that exceptional, but we do use it. Seldom, but at least we use it. Okay, admittedly even very, very seldom.

My mother gave up on us quite recently after �realizing� that she has been �exploited� by a bunch of lazy people, so she�s adamantly declined to lift a finger to clean up. I can�t go on reasoning that brushing some dead leaves won�t be contributing to the mental health of a future philosopher, if not, a media whore (why pick up the dead? Let it fly freely along with its lost soul, on hopes of meeting its creator, says my poetic self. Of course my mother would not agree that it�s applicable also to dead leaves), so naturally, I had to do something. I can�t go on with our hacienda forever looking like it�s experiencing fall.

On a sudden hit of inspiration this morning, I picked up a broom and swept our garden. Blame it on the non-existent puto bumbong on my stomach, I decided to look for other ways to heat up my body.

Don�t get me wrong. I love cleaning. I can go on waxing our floors or cleaning around if I didn�t have classes and other extra curricular chores to distract. I don�t like the job of cleaning outside our house though because of some nosy neighbors. You know, those reed-thin (or otherwise) people from the next doors who are always perched on their balconies acting like they�re basking in the sun as if they haven�t had enough vitamin Ds when in fact they�re just vultures undercover. If they�re not looking at you imagining you�re lunch, you�re either that rat trapped on some stupid branches and treated like some low class entertainment. I�m not Mahal, thank you very much.

But, sigh, a chore is a chore. So I put on my favorite holey violet tank top and left my jeans on, then put on my jacket. It was still too early in the morning and I didn�t want to have the fog contribute more to my now aching nose (caught colds just last night), plus, I didn�t really want to emerge as a budding exhibitionist. Gingerly, I handled the broom, thinking whether I should sweep right to left or other wise. I tried it once. Just to catch my drift.

Hmm. Right to left indeed. Perfect.

(See, if I was putting in this much thought on my studies, I would have been on the dean�s list.)

And then, I wouldn�t stop. I started cleaning out the whole backyard. I even changed into shorts for my convenience, which made me look like the un-stereotypical chimay Paul and I used to laugh about (rich visayan amos with co�otic maids going �Ate, can I like make bale so that I can go shopping at Galle today?�), if not, a frustrated sexy starlet on the verge of desperation. I pick the former. I didn�t mind, though. The audiences couldn�t see me from the side and back parts of the yard. And I doubt it really if the dogs would applaud if they get a peek at whatever.

Or maybe it really wasn�t a delusion when I thought I heard a snicker amongst the dogs a while ago. Ah, well.

But you know what, it actually made me think about the state the world�s in today�all those wars and famine, the hunger and things that may actually be solved if there was an initiative, and heavy things around the world that required patience. Well, okay, not really. But I do like to pretend I�m deep once in a while. Harhar.

I had fun cleaning out, though. I suddenly have more reasons to scream at my father if he litters around. (I�m claiming reign over things I clean out. He heh)

Colors

2004-12-13T14:18:00.000+08:00

The first one was yellow.
The second was pink.
And nope! It isn't my favorite color neither hers that I am talking about.

These were the colors that made us more popular to those who find us cute (eherm), more masa... and "conjugally" related, as they say.

Yes, we wore the same colors of tees on different occasions on different dates (The yellow was on December first, MTV Music Summit in Taguig and the pink one was just last Saturday). Funny, though, we never talked about what color of tee to wear. For goodness sake, we don't belong to those oh-we-both-must-wear-the-same-color-of-tee-for-people-to-know-that-we're-on-and-we-are-so-hooked-to-each-other couples. Nah! No offense meant, but rather I'm saying that we never planned to do such even if all people surrounding us didn't believe.

For one, I never entertained the idea of me making pink as my fave color... not until she told me that I look good on that color ;) *me conceited*

Nevertheless, we still are a cute couple whatever color of tees we wear *another hydrocephalus-causing thought* ;)

***

If you'd notice, I really post occasionally... err, rarely... err, once in a blue moon. During one of our joshing conversations, she mentioned that she didn't really have a co-blogger in me. She only had a guest writer. And she poked on the idea to delete me in her blog.

And this was just a make-up for those shortcomings. *laughs*

3:29 am na.

2004-12-11T03:10:00.000+08:00

Tingnan mo nga naman. Sa linggong magaayos ng thesis, nakuha ko pang tumambay muna sa baywalk.

Tsk, tsk. Ganyan talaga mga pabaya. Eh mas lalo naman itong isa. Malapit na exam week, nakuha pang magpapictorial sa taas ng isang building sa Makati. Aba, mas maluho.

Heheheheheee.

Iyan ang nagagawa ng tingin ko'y dulot ng post-thesis defense blues. Yung tipong di ka makatulog dahil hindi mo alam kung saang parte nga ba kayo nagkamali (nung una pa lang siguro na inisip naming gusto naming magkathesis) at hindi mo mo mapigilang isipin ito ng isipin...at para maialis ito sa utak mo ng panandalian, eh nag photoshop ka na lang.

Oo, iyan yung mga pinagkunan. hehe. Yung backgrounds, kuha ni Mark yan.

Nga pala, major revisions kami. *slaps head on the computer desk table and weeps*

--------------------------

A professor was saying something about how one of the many ingenuities of Filipinos extends to our amazing ability of adaptation. According to her, it just shows that Filipinos are flexible: confine them to America for two months and you'll immediately hear a twang on the tongue.

I don't believe that's talent. Neither is that something you can call ingenious.

First of all, biologically speaking, Filipinos are not born with an inherent ability to adapt to other people's languages. We are, along with other innocent babies of different nationalities, all born with nearly the same abilities; if there may be something you can classify as superior, I refuse to believe it would because of racial causes, except for the skin and other DNA components.

Secondly, I believe that the case of adaptation to other countries/culture is NOT a case of ingenuity. It is in truth a sad reality that it may be because of the huge desire, if not influence, for most Filipinos to want to be classified or even identified as anything other than a Filipino. Because of the low self esteem of our countrymen at the same time the way a Filipino/Philippines is viewed, you cannot fully expect anyone to be oh so proud of his or her own country. Just recently, there's a news about a dictionary having included the term "Filipina" on their line-up of vocabulary terms, but it meant something to the effect of "domestic helper" or "prostitutes."

I am not saying though that this is applicable to everyone. But to the others, this may be the case. This point can also be attributed to the manic case of American consumerism in this country, where everyone just wanted branded materials not for the sake of quality but only because of the idea of having something "stateside." As Filipinos have long looked up to Americans as heroes or idols, the influence on everything is tremendous, that maybe even our standards are gauged on if it's good enough to compete with America's outputs.

Therefore, a good slang = being almost like an American = being good enough.

But sadly, it may also equate to almost like an American = being good enough = being Filipino not obvious anymore.

I wasn't able to raise this up on the discussion, but my classmate and I were talking about this while in class. We were just in this I-don't-want-to-be-involved-with-the-class-discussion-but-we-want-our-own-discussions phase.

-------------------------------------

I po-post ko na nga rin pala ito. Nakatambay lang sa photobucket account ko, eh. :)

Ang haba na pala ng pinagdaanan (ng buhok) ko. :)

-------------------------------------

LSS: Freshmen by Verve Pipe. Found out if you twiddle with the lyrics, it might be applicable to us (although the song's about abortion, so...)

"For the life of me, I cannot remember...what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise. For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for our sins, we were merely GRADUATING."

Sorry. Korni, alam ko. *laughs stupidly*

Saglit lang ito...

2004-12-08T01:54:00.000+08:00

Number 0ne:

Nung November 28. I'll try to add more info sometime. Wag ngayon.

Number two:

Number three:

Mark's new template can be seen here. Nakakapikon pala pag alam mong may nagawa ka nang bagay at gusto mong i surprise ang isang tao pero naririnig mo siyang ngawa ng ngawa tungkol sa kapangitan ng layout ng website niya--nauudlot ang surpresa at napipilitan kang maglantad. Kaya't heto: bigla kong nirevamp ang site niya sa harap niya na supposedly eh gagawin ko patago dahil gugulatin ko siya pagbukas niya ng website niya.

Pohtah. Images done in 30 minutes, html template done with tweaking in less than 2 hours or so. Blame the OC in me. :p

--------------------

Someone told me that my blog writing's sorta leaning towards a downhill slope. I say everything's just crap. "No," he says. "You're just talking about too much events. You used to talk about other things. Brain picking. I wish you'd write more about something like that."

Sigh. I wish that too.

See, I'm still being sandwiched in the middle of slowly BEING a crappy output, or plainly a crappy output. There are just some times when something excites you, and then you tend to forget to prioritize things which needed more attention anyway.

Bottom line is, I'm a friggin' graduating student. I might as bloody well act like one.

That means I should cut down on internet and start actually waking up. Above a lot of other things.

--------------------

Candice is coming home! I think. Hopefully I'm available on the days she calls for some coffee. That'd be a great opportunity for some reunion. Right, Tina? (have I told you I miss you? We don't meet online anymore. And neither do weet have our personal cynical conversations anymore. :( ) Right, Jace? ;-)

Idle

2004-11-23T01:07:00.000+08:00

Hindi si Hero Angeles yan. You wish. *laughs*

Halata bang tinatamad na naman ako't walang magawa? Nag eexperimento na naman ako ng mga filters. Haay. Nagawa ko pang manguha ng mga tanong sa friendster nung isang araw at nagsusumagot ng mga kung anu-ano. Kung gusto ninyong mabasa, punta kayo dito: http://www.blackmoon.8m.com/autograph.htm. Kung gusto ninyong sagutan, i copy-paste ninyo na lang. Tapos ipaste ninyo sa blog. Bahala kayo.

Pero huwag ninyong mashadong ipaalam sa iba. Baka malaman rin nilang wala kayong ginagawa. *laughs*

HB thanks

2004-11-22T09:35:00.000+08:00

*padaan lang po*
Sa lahat ng mga bumati noong aking kaarawan, isang bilyong pasasalamat ang para sa inyo!!! *tumatanggap pa po ako ng regalo kahit late na ;-)*

HB

2004-11-20T01:31:00.000+08:00

I'm not particularly like the others who keep on displaying pictures of their guys/girls because they're oh-so-totally-proud-of-their-loved-ones. Not that I'm not, but let me clarify first that I'm doing this for two reasons:

1) We're both cute.

2) ~~We're both cute.~~ It's his birthday. Two days ago.

Let him do the talking. Malay ninyo, magkuwento siya kung anong nangyari. Basta ako, magp-post lang dahil cute kami. :)

THE JC TRIO

2004-11-17T02:19:00.000+08:00

No free CD, but there are three stories, coupla pics and a cute layout you can digest. Costs only your time and your net card. Available even after Jasmine realizes the Philippines sees her as the savior to all the debt the country had (or at least the commercialism Philippines always had), or realizes she just looks like a plain Juana and is nothing exceptional except that she had millions of votes from Hawaii at one time and decides to go into hibernation in some obscure place in Nepal. Kidding.

*Feelings from the reader optional. And for some additional smiles, we're even going to pitch in gratitude in your happy meal.

The Midyear

Hmm. It seems like I'm almost the only one who hasn't posted about the 3-day getaway.

Honestly, my mind's kind of experiencing a weird lapse right now (either that, or my mind player's pirated) that it's hard to extract memories without my mind jumping to something else. I'll just safely say this was the only sembreak I had wherein I was able to actually spend some days away from home. It was nice. Three days of greeneries. Not to mention three days with friends, three days with co-writers, three days of bonding, three days of food, three days of New York atmosphere, three days of trigger-happy moments, three days of irritation (don't ask), three days with someone-you-already-know-who-so-it-would-be-useless-to-put-his-name-here-anyway (hehe), and three days of mild re-thinking.

Oh, and yes, three days of learning. Also from each other.

(Pics randomly taken from George's, Gerard's, Joanna's and my cam. Thanks guys.)

Hey people, can you see yourselves in there? Reminisce, ah, go ahead. Smile, even.

Of Bouncer-happy Rave Clubs and 2am Incoherent Thoughts

Of course it was a bad idea. Rave clubs requiring over 21 IDs and rock CD launching events don't mix. And it was an even worse idea to put in those seemingly outdated-minded bouncers. I mean, honestly. Bouncers. On a nearly 150 SRC (standing room capacity) club. And to think it was the third stretch.

Yes, while everyone must have predicted an all-out bash for the last of the three album launches, it has somewhat failed a lot of fans who stood outside Peligro bar over at Aguirre cor. Salcedo st., Makati in an attempt to catch the band perform for their Take 2: The Imago Album launch in the middle of a slight rain because of the unexpected number of people who came in. According to sources, the previous album launches must have aroused higher expectations for this last leg, what with a full house attendance last October 28 at Freedom Bar, Anonas for the first celebration, and also with a successful encounter over at Altered Native, Fairview last November 05. And now, with fans definitely not considering the third as merely the last extension but the final formal celebration of the much awaited CD launch, it has been disappointing to see a lot of kids initially disallowed to enter the premises for the lack of requirements (that being a "21" age and an ID) and dozens of eligible crowd still forming a line outside Peligro with faith unshaken on hopes to still catch their favorite band.

The jam-packed launching coupled with the obnoxious bouncers however (which required only a CD purchase as an entrance ticket that costs only P250) proved to be not a hindrance for some fans who still made the party a resounding success. Guest bands Sugarfree and Cambio both played three songs each to make way for the night's guest stars, but the number of songs the initial bands fed did not lessen the hype as Imago played a full set, with the beautiful Ms. Aia de Leon taking the lead and riding on the energy their crowd unabashedly committed to the band.

Despite the early commence of the launch, it was undeniable that Imago has done it again and showed they still have the magic Viva was unfortunately too blind enough to appreciate.

==========

Okay, enough with the sour-graping article-like header.

Actually, I was a part of those bitter crowd who weren't able to get inside the bar in time to catch Cambio and Sugarfree perform, and decided to stay outside the nearest Mini stop along with a couple of performers like Raimund Marasigan (of Sandwich) and Wolfmann (of...err...Wolfmann) alternately joshing along with us (Raims) or drinking our miseries away (Wolf). *I* was particularly bitter--I was not able to attend the first two launches, and now with my hopes up, I was obviously in the mood for some bouncer-shooting inside the club. It was really filled to the brim, and I know those bouncers (with a witty "ass-kickers" slogan printed on their backs) were merely doing their jobs, but hell, we're talking about the LAST Imago launch here, and I wasn't ready to give up yet. Thank god so was Max, who then pulled me to the bar in time to catch their last 4 songs while I was in the middle of wallowing in self pity.

Grabe. Everyone's just so friggin hyper. The whole crowd's screaming the lyrics, and everybody jumped everywhere. Believe me, the beauty of things such as that cannot be captured by video alone, nor even by my words (or maybe at least by someone else's words it can be).

I knew I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else.

Well, yeah. But partly maybe because I NEEDED to be there. I needed to feel the rush Imago brings and at the same time, I needed to realize something in the middle of the night. I had to be there to understand some things.

I walked home feeling elated, but my mind was run down by different faces. That night, I was reunited with people I had an affinity with. Then someone was being his usual sweet person to me, and it made me smile thinking I won his friendship again. Never again would I fuck up things by telling premature truths. Some realizations unsupported by reality must be kept to one's own comprehension. I knew nothing more can emerge from this yearning.

And then there's the third party. He was the one who kept me up when I got lost in the middle of vague lines of someone's sarcasm and politeness. When I held only something I thought was real enough, he was there, although he tried to present to me HIS thought of something possibly real that involved us. That night, I was able to reunite with him again. He used to be a strong contender for a possible "someone-to-hold, someone-to-love" but then there, while we stood alone at the corner of an intersection while we were shaded by the soft light from a distant lamp post, I looked at him and saw a great and faithful friend, just a piece of a puzzle that would soon build up a mirage of me.

I distinctly remember thinking: no, not him.

I went home alone glancing at every light post I passed by. Each of them provided a temporary light to my path. Not so bright, but just enough to complement the night. Just enough to guide me around Makati. And it was just enough to guide me inside my thoughts.

By the end of the highway, I knew I had to end all the possible what-ifs that hung around me as I entered the club behind someone, or even the possibilities of another life as I looked at someone laugh while we were outside the 24 hour deli. They were part of the past. They were a part of the trimming. They were once considerations.

Not anymore. By the end of the highway, I was only longing for just one person. The end of the road stops there. Time to move on to another path.

(Ps: Cris, if you're reading this: you asked me if I was happy. I said I was okay. Come to think of it, no, I'm not okay. When I answered your question I tried to avoid it thinking the night wasn't over, and I could still find the answers to the questions I was asking. Cris, I think there's no need to find them anymore.

So now, I want to change my answer: yes, I am positively happy. And yes, I love this life. He has made me happier than I initially thought he would. I don't think I can ask for more. No more what-ifs extensions.

But please, stop calling him that. He wasn't a Starstruck survivor. He he.)

In The Same Breathing Room With Tessa Prieto

There are times when the gods are obviously on your side when you know you haven't exactly been a bad girl: a) got a chance to do an article for a mag we look up to, b) sit around rubbing shoulders with other media whores at some class hotel a stone's throw away from one of the malls we mainly scout cuties from, and c) when you actually get to compulsively breathe the same air with Tessa Prieto in hopes of her carbon dioxide triggering some innate style icon in you.

Oh, and yeah, when you also d) get to watch a couple of corporate pleasers make a fool of themselves just trying to please all the people from media in order to return a good review. Which isn't really hard considering the product was topnotch output, believe me. After all, everybody saw the difference as they sat in front of the Philips Pixel Plus 2 TV with Ambilight on the demonstration on November 12, 2004 at Le Boulevardier, Hotel Intercontinental, Makati a little after lunch.

Following its predecessor which was launched only early this year, Pixel Plus 2 TV has quickly evolved to double the old pixel count with a record breaking over 2 million pixel resolution per frame, giving viewers the best quality viewing they can get--with clearer pictures and natural details that takes the word "experience" into a different level. It's so real, Edu Manzano might even want to install it everywhere to stifle the piracy flourish. May scare the hell out of those pirates.

But that's not all. Proving that they do set the pace in technological standards, Philips emerged with a new feature called Ambilight, which extends the light beyond the screen as measured by an external light sensor that measures the light in the room. With Ambilight, viewers are not only confined to the cube but even their moods may intertwine with the viewing, making the common watching a truly cinematic experience.

Man. Too bad we didn't get one of those from the raffle.

But hey, Christmas is near. Maybe if I get to be more than a good girl, might see the gods checking in on my wish list--that is if they don't get to the other people's wish lists too, which is probably flooded by this new innovation. Hmm. Better start some major sucking up to the gods.

==============================

You know why I like presscons like this? The percentage of meeting someone you know is almost up to 70%. Or at least if you don't know them, chances of meeting someone AFFILIATED with them is at around 90.

Met Grace and some officemate from MTV Ink. I wasn't able to ask if she was the same BrutalGrace taking the pics, but I'm letting my imagination get to it. And guess who we saw inside? Gasp! Igan D Bayan! Gawd, I was nearly melting to the floor while I stared gawking at the guy. King of sardonics in the flesh. Wow.

Also, Mark's former bosses from Tower were there. And people from Hinge too. Am getting a heavy crush over Mark's former crush Chiqui. Gawd, she's so goddamn hot I was nearly fidgeting in my seat, trying to control my self from coming to her table and giving her a bitch slap for being pretty. Hehe. Kidding.

I like her Astroboy shirt, though. And her maroon jacket. And her hair. And her complexion. And her... (rattles off 525,002 more stuff)

(ps: Ate Tinggay from Filmless Films: please don't tell on me.)
(pps: Ate Tintin: that goes to you too.)

==============================

'nough for now. I have to sleep. Yes, I do know that word. And I'm doing it. Sorry. :)

segunda

2004-11-08T15:26:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to start this post. Maybe because of the fact that this is only my second time to post (is it obvious?), or i just lost the time to update (coz iv got no internet connections at home due to technicals... grrhh!!!), or some great things that happened for the last few weeks are ought to be kept in the archives... just between the two of us.

All of the above, emphasis on choice three.

Well, well, well, it's been a month. And things just continue to flourish each day. With all the childish and petty quarrels that we had (the last was really melodramatic. You could ask her the details ;>), we survive still. It's funny to note that amid all those quarrels, we still know when to put down our pride. And the rest was history.

I guess this post is too much (for me, hehehe).

See you around.

a month

2004-11-07T23:09:00.000+08:00

It's a bit late. And a bit mushy, considering it's only 30 days. But hey, I can safely say it's one of the best months of my life. :)

Forgive me. Regular blogging will return when time permits it. :) Perhaps I'll tell you about our little outing at Batulao, Batangas. With the pictures, of course. :)

And I'm giving more time to my other blog. I need to release.)

2004-10-28T00:08:00.000+08:00

I care not for those who bother to interpret
but forgive me!
Days are unknown for feelings that intercept
Truth surfaced and refused to be unknown
superficiality is here, let it be my own

handle me not, you cannot understand
when a crying soul you left
in the middle of a threat
you chose to go
then so be it, now I know.

I just wish I wasn't so beer-intoxicated when I composed this. Maybe you would have understood.

I love you too, baby ko.

2004-10-24T13:08:00.000+08:00

Someone forwarded this to me from some old ML I used to be in. Anyway...kailangan ba talagang "baby ko" pa ang tawagan nila?! *slightly nervous laugh*

Anyway, lotsa lessons here: for one, NEVER leave your phone to someone, and two, if you're going to call them significant others something, make sure you call them just one endearment. :)

------------------------------

I was beginning to regret having worn my favorite red off-shoulder blouse and pleated skirt inside the movie house because I was shivering in the cold. But I took the huge risk because I knew perfectly how my favorite pair of clothing will impress my boyfriend. He loved it whenever I showed a little more skin but if and only if he was with me. I love how he compliments me - he never fails to make me feel as if I was the most beautiful woman on earth.

The movie hasn't begun, and the cold was already enveloping us. We found good premiere seats. His hand was holding mine. The feeling of having him all to myself in the dark tickled me. It didn't occur to me that he was smelling the side of my neck as he murmured, Bango naman ng Baby ko? I love you! Another smile curled my lips. Wala bang I love you too? He teased. So I answered back, I love you too, Baby.

After a few subtle kisses on the cheek, his cellphone beeped. He quickly checked who it was and buried his eyes on the message. I saw him reply to the text as if he was being chased after. Uy, bili ako ng food gusto mo? Kelangan ko narin kasing mag-load, may kelangan akong reply-an. Limang piso nalang yata laman nito! He whispered La akong bulsa, By. Hawakan mo muna 'tong cell, baka mawala ko lang. You know how careless I am. I nodded and kept the phone safely in my hands. He slightly pinched my cheek, said I love you again under his breath, and took off.

The movie still hasn't started. I closed my eyes and gave a hearty yawn. I almost fell asleep when I felt his phone vibrate violently. The name Michelle was blinking. Who's Michelle? I thought to myself. Even before I could press accept, the phone stopped vibrating and displayed 1 missed call. The message icon was also blinking - meaning Michael's inbox was full. I had to delete old messages to pave way for incoming texts. So I did. Five messages came in immediately, all of which were from "Michelle." Without hesitation, I opened them one by one.

Ha?! Anong wg muna ako text? Kelangan natin mgusap ngyn na! Nsan kb kc?

Can I text you na?

Text moko if coast is clear.

R u still with her?

I felt my heart do a somersault in complete confusion. What did the messages mean? Who was that HER Michael was still with? I felt cold sweat forming around my forehead and nose. I took a deep breath. So I pretended to be Michael and replied casually to the text messages. She replied in a matter of seconds.

O, baket ka ba text ng text? May problema ba? Musta?

Hi Mike!!! Ano ng balita sayo? Baket ngayon ka lang nagreply? Kanina pako nagpaparamdam! Kasama mo pa ba si Shayne?

I thought I was just stabbed right in the chest when I saw my name in Michelle's text message, but I continued replying with Michael's phone.

Oo, bumili lang ako ng food. Iniwan ko si Shayne sa loob ng sinehan. Baket ba kasi?

Di mo pa kasi iwan yang babaeng yan eh hihihi! Love, tuloy ba tayo bukas?

Ah? Ewan ko, ikaw ang bahala. San ba tayo bukas?

Diba sabi mo pupunta tayo ng Laguna?

Ako nagsabi nun? Ah oo nga pala, I promised you that. Eh ano bang plano mo?

Ano? Ikaw nga ang nagplano eh! Baket parang binabalik mo sakin ang tanong? Nakalimutan mo na ba? 4 months na tayo bukas! Dapat astig ang out-of-town natin! Swimming tayo siguro tapos dinner? Alam mo na siguro ang ibig kong sabihin, love!

I lay motionless. The movie began. I felt my head spin violently - my vision was now blurred because of the big teardrops gathering in my eyes. But I blinked them away and replied as fast as I could. I knew Michael was on his way back to the cinema any minute now.

Oo sige na basta sabihin mo yun ang gagawin natin! Ang bilis ng panahon noh 4 months na tayo. Parang kelan lang? O sige pano ba ang plano bukas? Sabihin mo sakin ang nasa isip mo HONEY

Hmmm?. Basta bring your car nalang! Tawagan moko sa bahay tonight so we can talk ha? Love you lots! Mwah mwah! (smiley face)

I tried to reply I love you too, but the phone displayed Check Operator Services.

The whole world must've stopped before my very eyes. There was nothing more I could feel except for the tears rolling down my cheeks and the freeze that was now killing me inch by inch. I stared at the big screen while my thoughts drifted away? I couldn't find the right words to describe how I felt that moment. Images of another girl and my Baby deeply in love with each other flashed in my head.

And all this time, I was sharing Michael with someone else? That all this time, there was another woman whom he had his right arm around? The tears were all coming out now. I know people around me were already staring, but I was no longer thinking rational. Emptiness devoured me that instant?

From a distance I noticed a familiar face walking up the stairs towards my seat. I cleared my throat, cleaned my face, and took several deep breaths. Michael was on his way to our seats at the center bunk.

I love you, Baby! Michael kissed me on the nose. Sensha na! Tagal ko noh! Dami kasi nakapila dun sa binilhan ko Sensha na, sensha na? He put down the plastic bags and held my hand tight. He kissed me softly on the lips and whispered passionately, I love you Shayne! I love you Baby ko? I didn't have the strength to answer back.

He went on. Oo nga pala, simula bukas, may fieldwork kami. Baka next week na ang balik ko. Hindi ko pa sure kung saan yung site, so baka walang signal dun. But I'll try texting you whenever I can, ok? I love you, Baby ko!

I wanted to shout at him, scream at the top of my lungs, but no sound came out. I couldn't make myself say anything. I turned mute? my body was as numb as ever.

O? Wala na naman bang I love you too dyan? Dapat lagi kang nag-I-I love you too! He laughed.

I felt something vibrating on my lap again. It was Michael's phone - another text message. Michael saw it blinking and immediately read the message at a distance. But I was able to read what it said:

Kelan ka pa natuto mgtext in small letters? (smiley face) tsaka baket honey na ang twag mo sakin? Hindi na ba love? Bago na ba? (smiley face)

There was a long, long awkward pause. I thought the world has just stopped revolving.

My lips were sealed and the tears were already flowing freely - I could no longer control them. Michael looked straight at me, with his jaw half open. His eyes were round and bigger than usual, full of questions and fear. We just stared at each other, not knowing what to say. I felt the whole world sink and disappear, leaving only the two of us alone in the dark.

After a few seconds of silence that felt like forever, I swallowed the big lump in my throat with all my strength and bitterly whispered?

I love you too, Baby ko?

multiple

2004-10-21T02:03:00.000+08:00

blinded
by faith
deaf
of reasons
numb
of senses

how much more
bargain
to see those
fingers
tied up
against my

own

hands

of
fate?

+++++++++++

Ang cute naming dalawa, no? Pwedeng poster kids ng, say, Guess or Giordano. Papalitan na namin si Utt at si Jeon ng My Sassy Girl. Pwede ring poster kids ng Bantay Bata 163. Yung tungkol sa incest. *laughs*

Anyway, mahirap sumagot ng paisa-isa sa tag. At dahil malinis ang bahay namin (walang koneksyon, pero meron akong inalila kanina dito na pinakintab ang bahay namin at ngayon ay nasa Rizal na�t nanonood daw ng TV), sasagutin ko na lang through this post ang mga messages ninyo:

Jace: Oo nga, eh. Kambal, he he. I�ll post up a pic soon na mas lalo kaming mukhang magkamukha. Pramis. Musta ka na? Free ako ngayon, sembreak na! (That goes to you too, Tina and Grey) Text ninyo lang ako (dahil most likely wala akong load. He he).

Candice: tenks. Pero sinagot ko na yata ito.

Kuya ko: huwag kang magduda. Lahi natin ang tinitira mo, ano ba. *laughs*

James: Kung naiinggit ka, magpaDNA change ka. Yung tulad ng akin. Kaso mahal yun. :)

Jaye: ako nga, di ko Makita ang logic kung bakit rin kita kapatid at friend, eh. JOKE! (pero half meant. Mwahaha)

George: Octoberfest in Puerto Galera?! You are sooo lucky! Can you buy me those mountaineer-type anklets/bracelets na 3 for P10 lang daw? (I�m cheap, eh. Pero babayaran kita, promise. :) ) Magpabibo ka na lang sa Com. Baka kunin ka. They did it with Earl, nung nag guest siya sa isang play ata. Kung ayaw nila, ikampusap natin. *laughs* Kaso baka mataob mo sila. :)

Spider: so? She�s still an underdog. Pero rinedeem ko naman siya by saying underdogs rule, di ba? Mas maganda pa rin nga lang si Wynona. And Natalie.

Tian: Huwag kang bitter. *laughs*

Grey: Bakit pass lang? :-(

James (uli): Malamang. Kung si Ranier nga, sa isandaang beses na pinagpilian yung pic niya, yung napili nila, pinagdududahan pa rin kung guwapo siya eh, ako pa, hindi mamimili ng pic? (koneksyon. Anyway, tatlo lang naman pinagpilian ko, eh.)*laughs*

Candice: pasado na ba? :D

Uy, sa inyong lahat, salamat sa pagbisita, ha? ;-)

++++++++

Anyway, give me something to do.

I want you to look up the comments link below this. Then, post your names below. I�ll come back one of these days then post what I honestly think of you, or even brutal comments about you (if there are any). I�m just undergoing this �relative� phase that I�m up to wanting to know what people think of what I think. At least YOU�d get to know what I think of you.

Go ahead. I�m giving you the liberty to post your names.

Blag!

2004-10-17T03:48:00.000+08:00

hep, hep, hep... dear readers, yes i do really exist in this "conjugal" blog. Just got no time yet for posting. but don't wori. i'll give a long shot (hopefully) the next time around. For now, i just want to make my presence felt. *lol*

P.S.
The time i was writing this, i was at jc's domecile... and i was using their computer at 4 o'clock in the morning, Oct. 17 with her consent of course. Ciao for now.

P.P.S.
JC says she just wants to reiterate she wasn't hallucinating a c0-blogger. Hehehe...

Underdogs rule.

2004-10-16T05:27:00.000+08:00

I heard from NU107 just recently that there has been a poll for the top 100 sexiest hollywood movie actors and actresses. Apparently, as much as a lot of people are vouching for Halle Berry topping the list, she placed #06. Guess who topped?

Surprisingly, it's Keira Knightley.

Keira who? She's the love interest of the oh-so-gay-but-still-oh-so-cute Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Carribean, with King Arthur as her most recent movie. You may also relate her to Winona Ryder as she amazingly looks a lot like that...err...kleptomaniac.

But of course, Star Wars fanatics knew her better. And being an ex-fan (I actually researched and concocted pseudo-intellectual analysis on the technical side of Tatooine racing pods and Anakin's possible reason of falling into the dark side even before Episode 2 was shown--back in high school; I was that geeky), I can say that Keira's roots travel back to around 1999 when one of her earliest movie stints was doubling for Natalie Portman as Padme in Star Wars Episode 1, The Phantom Menace. She bested Portman and is now probably even more famous than the girl who didn�t know better than to flash a fake �I�m 21� ID on a nightclub when she was around 18, forgetting that she�s so famous because of George Lucas that everybody, even the nightclub bouncers, knew she was only 18 (yes, of all the exemplary brain cells Portman�s had, she actually had not much room for common sense). Knightley's the perfect model for I-used-to-be-an-extra-now-I�m-a-star stories worthy of a spot in Oprah.

But of course, her fame can be attributed to her abundance of common sense, picking movies that might actually enhance her Hollywood image; if it fails to though, at least she would be lucky enough to have kissed Orlando Bloom. Portman didn�t want those kinds of movies. She wanted movies with heart (therefore arriving to the big screen with movies such as Anywhere But Here and Where the Heart Is), and those who impose the fame (fans) apparently don�t watch them. He he.

But at least, the underdog is now on the top. Portman was an underdog too, you know, before she hit it big with SW. I mean, she used to help me reply to half of the fan mails I get before she was finally discovered at a pizza parlor (one of those times she snuck out of the job and took a breather�and she got discovered) by one of those Revlon agents. Believe it or not, I used to be a Mouseketeer, so I got a lot of adoring fans back then. Which also explains why I hate Britney�it was her fault that the Disney Mouseketeers club was branded to be raising dimwitted bimbos because of her existence in the club, so naturally, I had to leave. As if tolerating her existence wasn�t enough, I had to deal with her reputation too.

Anyway, back to Portman. There�she used to do my fan mail replies before when she decided to brainwash the Revlon agent to get her some acting agent instead. Soon after that I let her have my fan-mail letter templates after she got some traffic. She got more famous than me, but hey, I�m not bitter. After all, I don�t want to bump into Britney again and rub elbows with her when I�m finally walking those red carpet galas.

+++

Speaking of another underdog, I posted this comment over at Marcelle�s blog days ago:

I think I should know that too. I'm from Cavite and every banner here screams Jasmine Trias.

It's just hateful how commercialism takes a toll on things. On one side, it's almost okay to patronize someone who was somehow given her (compiled tv appearance) 5 hours of fame on International TV, since it does give inspiration to most "masa" Filipinos. But considering the facts that: one, technically, she's a loser (well, what's Fantasia Barrino doing at the top if she wasn't?), and two, the Philippines is making a huge star out of someone who probably did not even consider admit she was half-filipina if not for our own media whores who unearthed the fact because of her obvious surname; it's killing me to see banners like "Welcome Jasmine Trias, daughter of (her dad's name), class '61" on some proud school's entrance doors. Or her Smart banners everywhere.

JD says Filipinos love Jasmine Trias because we love underdogs. I don�t know. I think we�re all just social climbers. *laughs*

Opening the doors.

2004-10-13T02:18:00.000+08:00

New possibilities. And we're starting it with a new layout (and spare me the "I thought I was on some other blog" whining. You CAN'T possibly say you're "lost." My blog is screaming with pictures. he he). It's not yet the start of a new semester, I know, but I have a good reason for this. Believe me.

Do remember though, that this was updated using a lessor resolution monitor. So that means, if you're using a 1024x768 resolution monitor (on which I patterned this blog after) and you think the page is fucking up, do tell me.

Now for starters, I'm going to introduce to you two things: one, my tagboard. Yes, no more sliding-from-the-left thingies. I'm afraid I had to take that off. It doesn't fit some browsers. I'll miss it, but I replaced it with a "Click here for the tagboard" thingy. It pops-up. (oops. spoiler. :p)

Then, number two, the main reason for my hasty blog layout-change. Ladies and gentlemen (and not too applicable to HF peeps), let me introduce to you...

Paul.

Yup. My new co-blogger. We're launching Notes of the Drunk Dummkopf now as a CONJUGAL BLOG. And no, don't ask what's going to happen if we go through a divorce. (he he)

Anyway, I'll just explain to you the technicals through the next paragraphs. :)

-------------

It has been days, I know, but I have to say these things anyway�four great things happened on October 6:

1) Just when things are getting hopeless, God tweaks things to bring about blessings to remind you that living is not that bad after all. Because at nearly 5 in the morning, my first pamangkin, Chloe Faith, was born. The little angel served as the segue way to more years of optimism. :)

2) 2 hours or so after that, our thesis was done. We�re slated for defense either this week or the next. Yeba!

3) At around 4 or 5 pm, our director took up the slot for Oct 15 over at the theater auditorium. From who did he take it from? Amazingly from our ex-advertising teacher who was going to use it for her own ad thing, whom, as my classmates refreshed my memory, we had a fight with EXACTLY a year ago. And guess who stood up back then and got half of the ptyalin? *laughs*

4) If you have seen My Sassy Girl, I�m encouraging you to read further. If not but you love me enough to care about what�s happening to me lately, still read it further. If you don�t care at all, then I encourage you to still read it further to harbor more jealousy against me (for having charmed moments such as this. He he).

Before I forget: you can read HIS version here.

-------------------

THE UNEXPECTED TWIST OF FATE has been blamed upon�even cursed upon�heavily for the past hours, with each minute hanging on to her veins like a caret slowly chopping off her courage one by one at each tick of the clock. It has already been slated, she knew. But her neurosis has been going on overtime again and was slowly tightening her heart, leaving an almost choke in her throat that she couldn�t shake off no matter how much self�coaxing she does.

She glanced at her watch. Nearly 20 past five. He was supposed to be inside that auditorium twenty minutes ago. What if he fails to show up? Her classmates were already glancing at her, each pair of eyes already extorting an answer they knew she has no hold of. Where is he? She would shrug, shake her head, even. Fact is, she just didn�t know.

If it weren�t for her knack of concocting her own queer (and sometimes scandalous, if not a bit boisterous in nature) momentous bits of events, she wouldn�t be in this dilemma. Blame it on too much western Oh-I-love-you-we�re-meant-to-be-together-but-you-my-lad-should-do-something-romantic-first movies, or too many regurgitating reruns of My Sassy Girl to the point of visual diarrhea. So this girl actually *wanted* to feel like a girl sometimes and get a flower. And that she wanted a dose (a huge dose, in fact) of the girly kiligs to realize; from ideas she obtained most probably in her younger years. No, please dismiss the huge �spare me all those girly stuff� placard she�s been lugging since the day she found sarcasm.

Can she be blamed if she just wanted something to really remember, something she would really have a hard time stifling a smile to when the event passes through her mind?

And blame it on him, maybe. HE was the one who wanted to be loved. Yeah, by the girl whose idea of it is mainly composed of either the mechanical �love-is-a-chemical-specifically-hormones-and-endorphins� theory or the it�s-just-a-need-to-fulfill-loneliness concept. HE was the one who wanted his love reciprocated. SHE was just practicing self-restraint because of self-denial.

But because of some (fortunate?) events that transpired the day before, she�s now caught by her neurosis, restraining the urge to bite her fingernails from fear of seeing her fingers bleed. Blood. Pumped. By. The. Heart.
Heart. Oh shit.

Alright, then. Seriously change my mind by doing a very romantic deed on the first hours of our meet tomorrow. Bring 3 red roses. We�ll see if you can be the first guy who�d make me turn serious about these things.

She braced herself as she rushed to their publication�s 1pm staff meeting earlier that afternoon. That she waited for a miracle to happen was an understatement. At that point, the probable most romantic thing she could imagine was a breaking news after the staff meeting plus the flowers she made him bring last night.

So maybe she cannot be blamed if she sort of got disheartened when she was asked to open the fridge at the EB room after nearly everyone left and there were only the two of them inside the room. She sighed. Predictable, true. And maybe transparency gave her away. He seemed hurt, claiming his efforts were not appreciated.

�That�s the most romantic thing you can think of?!� she blurted. Err�that didn�t come out right. �I do appreciate it. Just�err�try harder.�

She then gave details on how she�d visit her sister-in-law at the maternity ward later at around 3, as she was planning to ditch the theater practice, and asked if he would like to come. �Fetch me over at the Tanghalan (Julian Felipe, the CLA building�s own theater room, a good 1 kilometer from the publication�s office) later on.� Bring the rose,� she told him. Surely by that time, she could hatch a plan.

And she did. The minute she got to the auditorium she rounded up her close friends while the class�s theater practice was on going. She mandated Mark, her college best friend (he was late), to go to school despite of his laziness, then asked for their common friend JD to help. The latter specifically told her to make the guy come at around 5pm, exactly after the class practice. The rest of the class soon learned of the plot.

The plan? A message would be sent via SMS giving specific instructions: get this letter taped to this fire hose case adjacent to the theater�s entrance doors detailing how he should summon courage before he enters the theater doors, and if he does choose to do so, he should go straight to the stage, bringing the flowers with him. From there, he would be interrogated by the whole clas, with a finale of the girl finally blurting out from her seat, �Paano kung sabihin ni JC na mahal ka na rin niya?� Simple, non-fussy, feasible and fun.

She still had a problem though: how was she going to end the whole stint? What if he doesn�t do anything from where he�s standing? What if he doesn�t come near me? What if he gives up? Walks out? Passes out? Killed by terrorists?
Five minutes to five. It was time to make him come from the office. She sent the message.

Shit. He replies back that he was at this dormitory around 3 minutes away from the school. It would have been fine, except the traffic expands the travel time to 10 minutes. He�ll come after his project�s done.

�Can�t you come now?� She pleaded to him on the phone after everyone told her that she should call him up. �The theater closes at 5. you have to be here!�
10 minutes passed. She was fast losing hope; the theater was about to close. Can we extend? She asked around. Everyone was hopeful.

Suddenly, a guy from the supervising department came in: extension till 6pm! Cheers and more practice ensued. 10 more minutes passed, he still hasn�t shown up.

Minutes later, an SMS was received saying he was already walking at the west wing. Apparently he had to pass by the admin building to take the flowers from the office. 10 minutes more, and she couldn�t contain her tension anymore. She got up and looked for a diversion: she decided to go out and check the letter if it was still taped outside. Her neurosis was overworking.

So maybe she freaked out a little when she saw him standing at the fire hose case and already reading the taped note. She quickly went back inside, but was soon summoned back to the door by a phone call from him. She found him sitting in a corner, still pooped from his travel.

�Anong gagawin ko? Ano �to?� he demanded. She just smiled. She tried to explain using vague words, trying to avoid his questions.

�Papaartehin nyo ba ako? Iinterogate?� he persisted. �Huwag ngayon. Pagod na ako, eh. Please? Okay lang?�

She frowned. �It�s�okay with me,� (liar!) �but the whole class is excited about this.�

�The whole class?!�

�Oh, yeah.�

She thought she saw him tremble, but at the dark it was a bit indiscernible. They stared at the theater stage in front of them for the rest of the time in between mild joshing. �I�m gonna dump you afterwards, don�t worry,� she teased. He wasn�t too much in the mood. Then to add more gravity to his dilemma, the class professor entered the auditorium to watch the practice.

The director called the long awaited break. It was around 5 minutes before 6, practically an hour delayed from the target time. It didn�t matter. She ran to her seat, leaving him behind near the theater�s doors. Blessy, a classmate, took the initiative and pulled him towards the stage�s side while he nervously held the flowers. The speakers were suddenly wafting "You First Belived" by Hoku, a personal pick by Mark. Everyone got into positions and occupied the chairs in front of the stage.

He lingered hidden behind the stage curtains for a few seconds before he finally went up the stage. Somehow, the sight of him�although looking a bit weary�behind the theater lights wearing a polo shirt (something she has never seen him wear before) and sporting a newly trimmed hair with his hands hiding the flowers behind his back, took her breath away.

�Anong ginagawa mo rito?� asked Mark. Being the guy who got mad at this guy on stage because of his venturing to court his best friend, it was obviously giving him pleasure to start the interrogation.

�Sinabi kasi ni JC na pumunta ako dito,� he uneasily replied.

�Sino ka?� JD quickly followed up.

He smiled. JD was a familiar face in the crowd. �Ako si Paul Adraiene Membrebe, Applied Biology 41.�

�Hindi ko tinatanong kung ANO ka, ang tinatanong ko ay kung SINO ka,� JD countered. She stifled a laugh. What in hell was the supposed answer to that question anyway?

He didn�t reply. Someone sent another question.

�Kaano-ano mo si JC?�

He paused, then slowly smiled. �Kaibigan.�

�Ows?� came a collective remark from the crowed. Questions came up from different directions.

�Pero nagd-date kayo? You go out together?�

He verified.

�Ano yang hawak mo? Ano yang tinatago mo sa likod mo?�

�Err...flowers.�

�Ano yan? Sige nga?�

�3 red roses and one white flower.�

�Para saan yung white?�

�Sincerity.�

�Kung friends lang kayo ni JC, bakit may dala kang ganyan?�

it was his time to shoot. �Siguro naman matatanda na tayong lahat para malaman kung ano ang ibig sabihin nito, di ba?� he retorted.

She couldn�t stifle her smile. A point for Paul!

A dozen more questions followed. Obviously everyone just loved the interrogation. She could even hear her professor pitching in every now and then.

�So�anong nararamdaman mo para kay JC?�

�M�mahal ko siya.�

She laughed. That was her cue. But due to a little wicked desire to brew things further, she bent over to JD and whispered something.

�Eh di ba crush mo si Agatha Tapan?� JD fired up, taking her cue. Agatha is this girl who used to do stints at kids� shows at a famous local channel. She was taking up the same course JC had at their university.

He laughed. �Crush ko lang siya.�

�Eh si JC?� asked another kid.

�Si JC mahal ko.�

�Gaano mo siya kamahal?�

He breathed deeply. �Enough para gawin ko ito at mapahiya sa harap niya para lang sa kanya.�

Another round of cheers. She was already floating in her seat.

�Ano ang nagustuhan mo kay JC?�

�Doble manamit,� shot a classmate, eyeing JC�s preppy vest over her polo blouse at that time. At this point, everyone burst out laughing. In the middle of things, Mark got up and ordered her to stand up.

�Bakit?� she asked.

�Tumayo ka!� he barked. She reluctantly got up, but had no choice anyway since she was forcefully pulled by Mark to the stage. He brought her in front of a still nervous Paul, while the crowd went wild. Mark quickly left the stage.
He offered the roses with shaking hands. �O, ayan. Napatunayan ko na sa iyong willing akong mapahiya para sa iyo.� After a minute, he dropped on his knees while the roses were held up, still on his hand.

She smiled. She took the flowers, then slowly bent in front of him, meeting him eye to eye. �Eh paano kung�� she slowly said as she looked at him with dancing eyes, �sabihin ni JC sa iyo na mahal ka na rin niya?�

His eyes lit up. �Talaga?!� he breathlessly asked. She nodded, a wide grin spread on her face.

The crowd was still going crazy. Some were chanting �kiss!� but the two kids on stage just looked at each other for a minute. Then�their lips met.

Obviously, it would be an understatement to say that the crowd went wilder. �

------------

October 6, 6:18 pm as he timed it. He said he looked at his phone�s clock the moment we came off the stage. We went straight to the office to rest for a bit before we went to the hospital. Had to condition him after too because he had a bad case of stage fright. At the hospital, he met nearly everyone in my family except my second brother, who couldn�t be there at that time. The day went well.

I honestly still shudder sometimes when I say the three words. Maybe I�m still not used to saying it; I never intended to use it on someone else other than on a platonic level. I never did commit to anyone anyway.

But somehow, I gotta admit, I won�t take it back. It�just seems right. ;-)

Hwaa?

2004-10-05T11:11:00.000+08:00

In just 3 days, man. I don't even know those people.

Alam kong cute ako dun sa picture ko. Pero please don't worship me. *laughs*

Btw: Thanks Candz for the testimonial! Babalikan rin kita, pramis. ;)

*back to (my hopefully last) thesis mode*

Kapirasong Utak

2004-10-02T12:19:00.000+08:00

Working on another artik. Just taking a break before I start.

I'm slated to go to University of the Philippines at around 4 or 5, so I'm leaving the office at 2:30. No qualms. Hopefully I'm finished with the article by that time, and I wouldn't really have any more reason to linger around. Xiao Hei's somewhere in Molino finalizing some thesis paper; I don't have any more classes today. I'm leaving the school relatively early. Then I'll meet the boylet somewhere in Mega for dinner later maybe, then head over to Anonas for some major catching up with mroe boylets. He he. Kidding.

I had another interview a while ago with a constitution professor regarding my article about CDF or pork barrel. Gave me a new insight. I'll try to place details when I get home, for the mean time, let's just say I'm in a stump, that's why I can't explain well. My mind's not functioning properly, and honestly that's scary considering technically only a portion of our mind's working. I read somewhere that for a person to use ESP or other brain-related mystical activities, he or she must use around at least 90% of the brain simultaneously, because normal people use only around 30%. Now if my brain's not functioning, I'm wondering how huge the damage is on that functional 30% of my noodle.

You MUST excuse me. I'm talking technical again, and that's not a good sign. I'm experiencing glitches. Must upgrade to Brain XP Pro. :)

------------

Xiao, I...*fill in the blank* ...you.

Gawin mong harmless yung i fi-fill in mo, ha? Subukan mong... *makes face*

:D

Research blah blah

2004-09-30T19:27:00.000+08:00

My original title was meant to be �Research on Men's Incapability to Function as a Fully Logical Human,� however, it was going to ruin my layout, and I wouldn�t really let male chauvinism ruin any part of me (and my blog), so there. He he.

My idle time at the thesis section this afternoon paid off, me thinks. I was able to trip on this queer-titled undergrad thesis �The Filipino �Sugar-Daddy�� done by Ma. Elena P. Leviste and Bernadette Katigbak, under the Behavioral Sciences Department at DLSU-Manila. Printed around 1980.

Amazingly focusing on males� chauvinism (someone actually heaved their common female sense away and DID a paper on polygamous males!), the paper�s related literature told specific points on how and why males develop this urge of conquering infidelity. The first point bordered on the nurturing stage of a male child, that if the child had a domineering father, when he (it) grows up he would have no problems assuming his rightful (?) role as the head of the family. However, if the mother is a dominatrix (and such is the case when stupid males wed sensible women), the child would have problems looking for an archetype--the dominant father that he was �meant� to grow up as. Therefore, when the child grows up, he would �naturally� try to flee from the grasp of their own wives.

The second point�and this is more believable, by the way�is the Don Juan syndrome. What is that? Read this quote I took the liberty to copy for my readers� own edification (and gratification):

�Psychiatrists have said that men have latent homosexual tendencies which sometimes later in their life they will tend to disapprove.

Psychiatrists call these men as having �homosexual panic.� They have strains of deep, buried homosexuality in them and they want to disprove it by a variety of heterosexual performances. They are sometimes referred to also as �sexual athletes�, for they jump from one woman to another. They also believe that the fabled lover Don Juan was a latent homosexual.�

This is clinical. Take that, Eric James. And to you chauvinist people. MWAHAHA!!

Mind puke over coffee

2004-09-27T14:06:00.000+08:00

2:19 in the morning. Grind na naman ako while listening to Pachelbel's Canon by George Winston, an instrumental used in the movie My Sassy Girl. Nagtatapos ng mga articles na dapat tapusin. I pointedly switched my coffee to caffeinated; afraid I'd plop down on the keyboard if I stayed on my usual anti-neurosis habit of "lusting for the taste of coffee" (my dad's words) with decaf as a supplement. I looked up the contents of caffeine. Apparently, I have inside my body approximately 8 Carbons, 10 Hydrogens, 2 Oxygens, plus water. As if that's not enough, the dictionary declared it as a stimulating drug. I'm officially a drug addict.

Kasalanan ko rin naman ito. Inuna ko kasi mga projects ko, eh. *laughs*

Everyone's asleep. Even that F4 looking guy from Rizal na katext ko lang kanina. Later, if he does go by his words and do attend their weekly meeting, I can almost imagine he'd be looking fresh, vibrant, with practically no trace of restlessness. Of course, I'd be the anti-thesis. I plan not to sleep anymore: I have an interview for an Investigative Journalism project at 8am with a prominent gay professor from some department Manuel L. Quezon would have been the dean of if he were alive. I can't be absent, I'm the script writer--the questions would be coming from me. At 1pm, I'd have another interview, then the rest of the afternoon would be spent just writing and doing revisions. We'd hopefully start on our survey today, and hopefully, I'd be able to get a shot of my self for my website in IT. How apt that I have the convenience brought about by a digicam, and yet I still can't get myself to pose for my own project site. I'm envisioning more javascripts for that. And CSS revisions too.

Oh well. At least the chapters 1-3 of our thesis were finally approved. (yay!) One tab off my now drooping shoulders.

---------------

In the middle of writer's block, I actually decided to check my Friendster account. The thought of deleting it crossed my mind since I barely check it now, but being the techie geek that I am, I decided not to (besides, I'm giving you guys the gratification of being my "friend," he he). Mildly surprised to find out I still get invites and messages (Message 02: "Hoy! I-add mo naman ako!" Message 03 [from the same person]: Huy, ano ba?! Letse, I-add mo naman ako. Buhay ka pa ba?" Both amazingly written in a happy tone) from people.

I decided to find the page of someone I missed; slightly surprised to even find out he had one (just some impression that he wouldn�t). From the other people�s testimonials for him he proved to be a really amazing guy...except testimonials aren't really that reliable sometimes because, well, it's just plain ass-kissing. But it was fun to read them anyway. Also realized I haven't done a testimonial for anyone for months. I have a penchant for writing �ber-long paragraphs for testimonials, so I guess that's a factor for making me lazy, leaving me three or four people on my list whom I haven't posted any testimonials to despite my promise.

I checked out the page of the person whom I have given the longest testimonial to. Funny. What I have written was half inversely proportional to what I'm feeling for him right now. Oh, I still do mean what I said. I just...couldn't decipher how someone I noted so highly could make me feel this way--disgustedly disappointed.

I felt the urge to write someone a testimonial, but I stifled it with more coffee. Druggy. Have to finish something, so I closed the page hastily. I plan to resume my testimonial writing when I get some free time this sembreak. Hey, I have a great Idea: why don't you�yes, you, dear reader�write me a testimonial now? Come on. I promise to conjure up something so beautiful for you, although it would be so blatantly ass-kissing. He he. Kidding.

----------

I'm missing people too much. I miss the people I have had "mind-puking" with over coffee (nice term, huh?). People I share boisterous laughter with. I'm just too busy becoming an academic recluse.

Movie Time!!

2004-09-23T13:43:00.000+08:00

Did this before our computer had another fatal crash. One of the things I was able to save.
-------------------

I think I was changed.

JD, forgive me if I nearly tore your shirt last night. But ladies and gentlemen, despite the possible bad reviews this movie got like my friend JD said, please scout for a copy of "Windstruck" and secure boxes of Kleenex tissues with you. Oh, and no, despite the title, Ranier Castillo is not on this one. Hell if he is.

However, if you have not seen "My Sassy Girl" yet, then secure a copy of that and make sure you're already on the verge of worshipping it before watching Windstruck. For one thing, this will turn all Jeon Ji-hyun's fans (that would be "my sassy girl" for us korean-dumb people who never knew what her name really is) into a frenzy, for she is returning to the big screen to give us more tears and kilig pleasures, brought to us by the same...director. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Although not produced by Shin Cine unlike before, they did not fail to bring us the same elated feelings after emerging out of the movie house (or, in our case, JD's bedroom) and the same feeling of actually wanting to love someone. (naks.)

The story starts with Jeon on the verge of throwing herself off from the peak of a building. Very circular, like that of My Sassy Girl, come to think of it, but since they are almost aiming to do a MSG 2, it's not too surprising. A narrator tells of her story, involving a man she fell in love with after an unfortunate (but brutally cute) incident with Myoong Woo (yeah, yeah. The name's very MSG too). After realizing their hormones are still intact and it told them they're meant for each other (he he), the two tries to cherish each other while bonded by a promise using their pinkies. Or something to that effect.

And then the lead male dies, and the rest is just bull. But fun. *laughs*

I'm sorry, I'm giving you a vague synopsis here so I wouldn't spoil too much fun. But it did temporarily change my outlook on males. Somehow I'm giving them a benefit of the doubt now if they are really capable of loving a person wholeheartedly (hwahaha). But that would last only up...

...till now. *Back to sarcastic cynic mode*

:D

Watch it, dammit. Do watch it. And for those who are under my wings (that would be Matt, E.James, Jaynie, JE, Mark and Paul), don't worry, I'll bring this movie to the dorm near you (err...Jaynie, it's okay to have another movie marathon over at your place, right? :D).

Sigh. Public Service announcement done. I've recommended to the public something good to watch. I'm signing off. :)

On the other line

2004-09-21T09:39:00.000+08:00

Xiao,

Called you up the other night a couple of times. I don�t know exactly what I wanted to tell you, but I just went ahead and called you up again and again anyway. The operator kept on telling me that you�re out of coverage area.

So at my last attempt, I talked to your operator instead. I asked her, how far is my coverage anyway? Not wide enough to reach you, I guess. I told her I needed to tell you something; maybe she can relay my message. I asked her to tell you that I�m sorry for what I�m about to do. I said I needed to get you off my mind somehow, and fix some things that I hoped wouldn�t need much of your attention. I�m in the middle of things that called for too much conflicts�the truth and reality.

I called you up again exactly after I hung up because I thought I haven�t told you everything. But the operator said you were out of reach. Yeah, I sadly replied. We�re friends but I still can�t seem to reach what he�s thinking. I can�t seem to understand him on that level that he calls for. I bid her goodbye.

A few minutes after that, I thought of calling you up again. I just wanted to say I miss you.

But then, my batt went off.

I guess it wasn�t meant for me to call you up to tell you that.

JC.

debate on roses

2004-09-12T23:44:00.000+08:00

Part of a chat transcript:

----------
fRey : [talks about My Sassy Girl] and I dnt get it. y d fuck does he have to give that flower to the girl in d middle of a piano class in an all girls school?!????????
fRey : dats stupeed.
imbakan_ko: inggit ka lang. :)
fRey : I mea, wat do u get from roses? you don't eat it, u just look at it, it doesn't convey something
imbakan_ko: it's for showing your endearment.
fRey : and it fucking smells lyk funerals. or...does it even have a real smell? hell stinking no.
imbakan_ko: it's sweet.
fRey : X-(
imbakan_ko : it has a smell, you idiot.
fRey : you want sweet? il give u sugar.
imbakan_ko: it's the thought.
imbakan_ko: ever given a flower in ur life?
fRey : yeah.
imbakan_ko: you haven't.
fRey : i did.
fRey : b4
imbakan_ko: no you have'nt.
fRey : okay, so i havent. i don't like it. what abt u?
imbakan_ko: what abt me?
imbakan_ko: I haven't given anyone a flower. :))
fRey : ever got a rose?
imbakan_ko: yeah. before.
fRey : no you havent
fRey : I don't blieve u
imbakan_ko: before
imbakan_ko: hish school
imbakan_ko: *high
fRey : did u smell it
fRey : ?
imbakan_ko: yeah
fRey : it doesn't smell anything
imbakan_ko: that's not the point
imbakan_ko: it's just a simple way of showing appreciation. if you like the girl, you give her roses. you made her feel good.
imbakan_ko: and yes, even if it smells like funerals
fRey : would u like me 2 give u one?
imbakan_ko: no.
imbakan_ko: you do it to be sweet and romantic, you don't do it to mock, ass.
fRey : =))
----------

Eto naman ang kay Jace:

----------
imbakan_ko: hey. question lang:
imbakan_ko: ever given a girl some roses?
jace : shoot
jace : yeeeeeeeees
jace : yoko na mag bigay ng roses. :D
jace : but i have. back in the day
imbakan_ko: why do you give them?
imbakan_ko: i mean, what prompted you to give them?
jace : coz i liked the girl
jace : coz i wanted the girl to feel special
imbakan_ko: wow.
imbakan_ko: how do you drop hints to a guy for such a thing to happen? *laughs*
----------

Oo nga naman. To make people feel special.

Kaya pala nanganganib ang isang kaibigan kong nabigyan ng rosas lately dahil somehow, she felt special. Hasty irrational thoughts because of overwhelming feelings. Palapit na rin ako dito sa sentence na ito.

I wanna research more on the power of roses. Cute siya. *laughs*

Lyrics find

2004-09-11T14:07:00.000+08:00

*break from typing uber-long theater project*

Searched this lyrics while listening to it over at YM!'s Launch Radio. Wow. Cool naman. :) Anyway, I adored the lyrics. you might, too.

*back to typing*

"Falling For The First Time"
Barenaked Ladies

I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser
I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby
I'm so fly, that's probably why it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so green, it's really amazing
I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me.
I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
It's so strange, I can't believe it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time
It feels just like I'm falling for the first time

I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled to finally be failing
I'm so done, turn me over cause it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time

Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

Rent

2004-09-07T06:16:00.000+08:00

(Date)    6 September 2004
(Written at)     Jaynie�s Dormitory to House
(Time)     11:30pm / 5:41 am

De La Salle-Dasmari�as� wonders are better appreciated at night when one�s alone. The beauty�s always too much to take in that one has to pause a little to breathe per gulp of awe intake.

The light posts played with each step I took. I was moving through the other road towards the exit, the more obscure and lonely path than that of the main road. I made sure I walked in the middle of the way. It was already 8pm, and road kill was not an option for vehicles were scarce when at that time of the night comes. I just dawdled around, each step acquiring more delay than the other; each gaze left to linger on all the lovely pieces of nature�s graces.

I kept on walking. And walking. And walking more.

I stopped dead on my tracks when I reached the fork. I looked back. Everything�s immersed in black.

Then it dawned on me that hey, maybe being alone is not so bad at all.

I slowly raised my foot up, poised for another step. Slowly, I made my way to the gate. There were still no cars passing by. Being alone is not bad, I whispered with half determination as I savored my new mantra. Nope. Not bad at all. I can have five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes to devote my noodle to. Surely, in those five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, I can find a lot of things to fill it up with. What is another year of solitary bliss?

The cold wind blew. And I had only my hand to hold.

+++

If indeed the world is fueled with love, then I am not sure I have been paying my rent faithfully. I think I have lapsed a couple of years trying to avoid my landlord.

In front of me a while ago sat a person I have long looked up to. If infatuation got the better of me before, I couldn�t guess, but I think I still hold my self good with an air of nonchalance around him. Apparently he believes in love. Hopefully not the slum-book kind.

I asked, isn�t love just chemicals? You�re in Biology, you should know that. They�re just produced by the brain.

He produces a vague answer, but still remains in what he believes. Later that night, I would be caught by his innocent charms and childish beliefs. Even more later in the morning, I would be caught believing there was a spark like he confessed in the kiss.

Then, later this morning at 6:28 am, I wouldn�t know what to make of my self anymore.

boring week

2004-08-31T14:19:00.000+08:00

Naiimagine ko na.

I'm relatively free the whole week. as in. I'm just going to tweak a few articles for a project, aside from that, I'm free.

But check: relative. That means, kung gusto ninyong magpasched sa akin, kapag hindi ko kayo gusto, hindi ako magpapasched. busy ako. *laughs*

Sigh. Buhay.

---------------

cleaned up my drawers the other day. i thought i needed to make more space for my books. Nilipat ko yung compilation ko ng The LaSallian at Heraldo plus a couple of others dun sa isang drawer.

After cleaning it out, I found my long booklist, a re-writable cd, a print-out of my talks with a pseudo-ex, doodles, a few compositions, and above all...

two empty cans of San Mig Strong Ice.

What the fuck. *laughs hard*

Lasenggera talaga. :D

2004-08-28T06:35:00.000+08:00

I never thought about how bad it would feel to be under someone's microscope, be scrutinized, then be on one's report because of your negative angle...

...until now.

(emails shouldn't really be read while wreaking head on a project due hours from now.)

It'll pass.

2004-08-28T02:21:00.000+08:00

Some HF staffer's dorm. After the drinking session last Wednesday/Thursday.

Grilling on our project this morning. Just snatched some time to post this up. For Chii.

Yeah. Like one of those afternoons, it's going to pass. It will, I know. Don't worry.

Notes from the bar

2004-08-23T01:58:00.000+08:00

(And I literally mean the title: half of these words were written while I was in Mayrics.)

People say one should never go to bars alone. It does give emphasis to the underlying truth that you�re either a loner or a geek, or a fusion of both.

Well, yeah. So? *laughs*

---------------

Now I remember what captivates me when Imago performs. Aia�s Smile. Makes you actually feel welcome to listen anytime. If performers succeed at sometimes making gig-goers feel like they should listen, Imago flunks in that, for they only not make you feel like you should listen, but in a way you should somehow EXPERIENCE. Bands establish themselves through lyrics or music; Imago established themselves by giving off soul (other than music and lyrics, that is). And that�s what counts, I believe. After all, music is integrated poetry. Not just some notes you jive to when you�re too caffeinated enough to sleep.

And Aia�s one of a few singers I�ve seen who glorifies their liseners� joys. And I mean that as a type who fervently devotes herself to making listeners happy. Some singers can only be seen sugar-high when people are. Aia continues to be filled with sugar even if people are passive. She nwittingly makes Imago more lovable that way.

--------------

A friend said something hopeful to me tonight. Good for that person.

Pero such things, although maganda, ang sakit marinig. Why? Dahil it raises up my hopes again. Puta. Akala mo naman tungkol sa akin or para sa ikabubuti ko yung sinabi niya. Nagho-hope na naman ako para lamang masaktan ulit.

Isa talaga akong malaking gago. And to think "Taning" pa yung tumutugtog. "Permiso sa isang araw na makasama ka; abiso ng pusong bulag na umaasa."

--------------

Talk of the night:
JC: Hoy, baka mamaya mapagkamalan na naman tayong magsyota niyan.
T: Bakit, sinong nagiisip?
JC: Si ______. Tinanong sa akin nung isang beses kung "tayo" bad aw. Sabi ko hindi. *laughs*
T: Ows? Ako rin, eh. Akala ko "tayo."

Engk. Patay tayo diyan.

--------------

From the computer table...

I just realized that it has been a long time since I last accompanied myself alone to something less-stressful. So, after leaving and avoiding all forms of things that may remind me of last night�s inappropriate bawling-after-being-awaken-by-a-text-message-at-eleven-twenty-four-in-the-evening-while-taking-a-nap-at-a-co-staffer�s-dormitory-after-being-too-drunk (that being my phone and a Netopia center), I decided to watch a movie alone.

The choices were easy, really. I wanted to watch something a bit sweety-sweety and brainless (okay, just something that wouldn�t really require too much thinking while sitting in front of the big screen), but after discovering there weren�t any Mandy Moore movies, I checked up the movie list. Too bad Princess Diaries 2 isn�t showing yet, but there was Garfield, Now That I Have You, Collateral, Dead People, Cinderella Story, The Village, and a couple more that I can�t remember. I wanted to see Now That I Have You because of my affinity with geeky guys (hey, I saw the trailer and found it cute, so what?) but the show time was too late, and I wanted to enter a movie house immediately. There were Garfield and Cinderella Story, but aside from the possibility that those movies are already available in my classmate�s hard drive (he�s the master of net pilfering through the use of p2p servers), I didn�t want to be sorry after a few hours thinking that I was actually that stupid to blow a movie ticket for those movies. I didn�t want anything too creepy (striking out Dead People), and I didn�t want too much thinking either (striking out Collateral), so I settled with The Village. Although I haven�t really forgiven M. Night Shyamalan (did I get that right?) for his stupid-ended movie The Signs (water to defeat aliens? WTF?!?), this was the safest bet of the evening, so what the hell.

It was fun, let me say. Somehow, M. Night�s magic with twisted story telling is still intact. With Sixth Sense�s you�re-dead-now twist, he brings us The Village, constantly leading us to the belief that the whole setting was medieval when �the village� was actually just some obscure place in the US kept secret by a couple of people who got together in some counseling session who wanted to live in some state of serenity and peace, and what would be the easiest way to do that other than incorporate some age where there wouldn�t be anything like televisions and radios to propagate the news of the world�s wickedness? (highlight this part if you�ve decided on not watching the movie and can risk reading the spoilers anyway) Inisip ko rin yan dati. Di ko lang talaga matatagalan na walang internet. He he.

Although it did make me think to some degree (realized of course that any involvement with M. Night and no involvement with thinking is impossible), I somehow enjoyed the night. Gave me a break from everything. I heard my self laugh out loud without the help of other outside forces. I got to breathe in between the trailers.

Although I�d be fooling my self if I�d say throughout the whole experience, not once did I think about� (sigh)

Btw, speaking of the trailers, they�re doing a movie adaptation of Nicholas Sparks� The Notebook. Wow. This is like, one of the few books that I wouldn�t forget. Seconds after a few images flashed unto the screen, I already exclaimed �Oh God�is that�noooo�wtf? IT IS The Notebook!� It was one of the reasons why I also fell in love with N. Sparks.

Wow. Talk about something you have only been imagining about coming to life on the big screen. And their choice of taking in lesser-known actors and actresses (like Ryan Gossling taking in the part of the lead male) is good too, because somehow, the hype wouldn�t center on how great someone�s acting is just because they thought she couldn�t do anything worse than singing. I remember wishing before, if I was to fall in love with someone, the person would have to have the qualities of what the main man had. Sadly though, there aren�t enough people in the world who�d probably even be half the person he was. Talk about impossible wishes.

--------------

To YOU: if you think this letter�s for YOU, then click here. If you think it�s not but you�re itching to know anyway, what the hell. Do whatever you want. It�s the cyberspace anyway.

You know something's wrong...

2004-08-20T14:39:00.000+08:00

...with your body clock when...

...you drink coffee at 12:30 in the afternoon just to wake you up or perk up the start of your day. *laughs*

--------------

Turning Chinese

2004-08-18T12:09:00.000+08:00

According to Grey and Tina, my chinese name is supposed to be read like this: PAN ZHE XI. This is how it looks like.

Of course, saying it is fine. Writing it is plainly a pain in the ass.

PAN is supposed to be my surname, which really amounts to nothing except it sounds a little like my real surname. ZHE means Philosopher. XI means rare. Hanep. Pag binasa ng tunay na pilipinong bisayang bata (disclaimer: no grudges against visayans, just stressing a point), parang Dye-si. JC. Galing talaga.

Ang galing. Di naman ako chinese. *laughs*

Tina's thesis-mate asked me yesterday if I was chinese. She was apparently the principal of a chinese school in Wack-wack. Not even a little bit chinese? she asks. Yeah, sure. No secret handshake but there's a bloodline prerequisite.

So I'm thinking of a good excuse to bring up everytime someone asks me some question like that again. Although my Lola was half chinese, I didn't inherit anything remotely chinese (No, affinity with Meteor Garden telenovelas is Taiwanese, you dork), so I'll just invent things up: my dad and my mom were half chinese, but they had to change their surname because they wanted to naturalize. Pagtakhan. Formed from the name "Han," which is our real chinese name (which suspiciously sounds Jap). My dad hated his parents so he left home to go to the Phils with my mother. At this point I'd have to cry so I won't have to disclose anything to the listener. Then I'd say that I was really chinita, except my dad had my eyes surgically fixed so I'd lose my chinese traces. Yep. He hated his parents THAAAT much. (my grandparents ripped off his Marlon Brando poster for insubordination which pissed him off, big time) Which also explains why I didn't learn any Mandarin words. Nor do I have a chinese name. I also took some pills to condition my skin to look like I'm Filipina-tanned.

Heh heh. Good enough, no? Now call any chinese principal and I'd willingly retell this anytime. :D

And as I type while in class...

2004-08-18T09:02:00.000+08:00

Grouchy Wednesday morning, believe me. I feel I couldn�t be cheery enough. I wasn�t able to sleep last night because I was still troubled, not with my difficulty of breathing (which stopped miraculously minutes after I talked to Jace) but rather with the shock hanging over my head. Spent the night listening to new tapes I�m thinking of converting into cds (and no, JP, don�t tell me that�s piracy) which, come to think of it, agitated me more. I settled for Lifehouse�s Stanley Climbfall to soothe me in the end.

I asked Jace to wake me up at 5am for my 7am class, but I texted him instead at that time telling him he doesn't have to wake me up; I didn't sleep anyway. I tried to sleep while I'm on my way on the FX but I still couldn't. I don't blame NU107 which was blaring in my ears. It was a diversion.

I sneaked inside my classroom 45 minutes late. Found out the instructor still haven't checked the attendance, to my relief. But also found out I wasn't in his roster of attendance. Darn it. I don't know why I even bother to enter this class. Some of us probably know more than he does, and I don't even know this lot. I just blocked with this section because I got lost in the adding/dropping part last enrolment.

Tina just texted. She was asking if I was okay. Had to smile. Last night, while on the verge of collapsing, I was trying to mutter the names of some people nearest to me that could/might give me temporary strength. Jace. Jace. Jace. Tina. Tina. Tina. Couldn't think of anybody else. If anybody could save me at that moment, I couldn't even think about my own parents probably running to rescue me. Tina and Jace might not be able to save me either, but their memory somehow made me smile. That's enough.

I have to list more people that could save me when I'm in distress. They can't save me outright, or even deliberately won't, but at least their memories will. If ever I have another case of panic/hyperventilation, at least if ever my heart fails to function or if my vains snap quickly, I'd be smiling. That would be good enough.

ps:

Jace, I really can't thank you enough. I can't promise to pay your possibly high phone bill because of me last night (from Bulacan...it's the same rate nationwide, right?), but I do promise to never forget you for the rest of my life because at the moment I was the least strong, at the moment when I declared myself to be lonely, and at the moment I was so vulnerable, you just kept on whispering at the other end of the line. You'll never know how much comfort that gave me. Thank you.

Explanations for those who care to read.

2004-08-14T13:26:00.000+08:00

Check out http://www.thirdcharm.blogspot.com. That is George's blog; his latest report included that of the year's controversial news about De La Salle - Dasmarinas' losing its University title. Well explained, really.

But for those who need a recap, this is what happened.

System schools, like that of University of the Philippines, follow a certain grand charter that�s applicable to all of the schools under its wing. However, that charter acts only as the charter for the system, not for the individual schools. Now, in order for a school to stand on its own as a university, it then has to have its own charter. Inside the De La Salle System, the only schools who have its own charter are De La Salle University � Manila (DLSU-Manila), and De La Salle University � Araneta.

Apparently, De La Salle � Dasmarinas has been carrying the University title since before (its former name, being De La Salle University � Dasmarinas), yet it still doesn�t have its own charter. Due to that, the school had to apply for its University name retention, which the Commision on Higher Education (CHED) promptly denied, due to being deficient in 4 fields.

Technically, De La Salle � Dasmarinas is not a University.

However, this is the very same statement that most of the population, headed by most of the faculty and administration, deny vehemently, claiming that we are still a University being an overflow from DLSU-Manila�s charter. And that we are still a part of the De La Salle University System. But this declaration is proving to be misleading. First off, for a school to be an overflow of another school, they have to be 1) an extension, and 2) not a separate entity. Such is the case that happened with AMA�s being approved of the University status. When AMA�s main campus held the name University to its name, an AMA school here in Cavite followed suit, also attaching the University to its name thinking it was applicable to all the AMA schools. Later on, CHED had to point that out, and AMA Cavite promptly took off the University name and replaced it with �Cavite Campus.�

Therefore, in order for us to be an overflow of DLSU-Manila, we have to be proclaimed as an extension. However, DLS-D is claiming to be a separate entity, which is the main reason why the school is applying for its own University status. The use of the University title is therefore, illegitimate.

This is the very same issue that�s been occupying the gossip line of Lasallians for the past week. Since the release of Heraldo Filipino Vol 19 Number 01, July issue, people have been riding on the bandwagon, trying to place different opinions on the subject. The most popular is that we (Heraldo Filipino/I being one of the two writers who composed the banner headline, with the help of our News editor Maycee who practically re-overhauled the news article) could have written it in a rather positive angle. They claimed that we downed the school when we could have uplifted it.

Most of us from the publication were trying to laugh it off despite the obvious emotional and professional plus academic tensions. What are we going to write? our Editor-in-Chief asked, write down, �We can be a University?�, coupled by laughs from my editor. No matter how you put it, you cannot place a good side to a bad subject. In the first place, why should one sugar-coat such a thing?

People are claiming we�re biased. Students are saying we wasted their money. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the accusation of the century.

First off, we presented both the facts: the administration�s side, and the students� side. We placed rather hopeful comments from the admin, while we placed the disgusted comments of the students. The end of the article was even hopeful. And we printed what we believe the students deserve to know. We told them the truth. The majority of what comprised this school is us students, and we were given obscure facts: some said we were doing it to conform to the university system (because there�s the De La Salle � Lipa, De La Salle - Canlubang), others said we didn�t lose the title, just improving it. If HF were not going to give them the facts, who would?

Heraldo Filipino is created by the students FOR the students. We did it for them to know the truth that they deserve. These students paid good money because they were assured DLS-D was a separate entity, a real university first and foremost, with only the school being a part of the Lasallian system as a huge consolation. If there are students who were angered by the news, then the people who were covering their ears ought to know what these people feel.

We are not downing the school. Like the vast majority, we are also hoping. We love the school. We are Lasallians, after all.

What�s going to happen next, we can only hope it�s a good one.

Bmoon.rock

2004-08-12T15:39:00.000+08:00

Tagal na nitong nakapending. Ngayon ko lang na push yung info sa ibang lists.

If you would check out my links sa ilalim, nandun yung links ko ng spongebob at BRock. Kung tinatamad kang tingnan yung baba, eto yun.

It's my pet project. Nakakatamad nga naman ng photos lang, kailangan naka magazine format. Para it keeps me busy. Para it keeps me from rambling. hehe.

Yun lang. Advertisement lang naman ito actually. Puntahan ninyo. Tapos, bargasin ninyo. Para masaya. Haha. :)

Happy....

...birthday to...

you.

*laughs* Hi Jace. Happy Birthday. Kailan naman ang libre mo? Bilis, tayong tatlo ulit! :D

Can anyone tell me...

2004-08-11T14:56:00.000+08:00

...what is the gauge of sincerity?

~~I just have to know. I'm starting to die inside. Please...not on the first hours of my being 19.~~

Random pictures.

2004-08-11T14:06:00.000+08:00

Pinangako ko sa sarili kong ilalagay ko sila sa blog, so I will:

Nung naginuman kami isang beses. Nag dare si KuRae na papatayin niya ang yosi sa dila niya.

Nasa ICU na siya ngayon. :D

---

Hindi na naman ako nagsuklay last week. Pumasok nanaman ako sa school na sooper weird ang hair. Feeling rockstar.

Mag exert naman daw ako ng effort na magsuklay. Sus.

Effort? Nilalapagan lang yun ng Efflain sa may Paranaque. :D

---

Something outside Ayala center:

'
May FEELINGS nga naman ang fruits. At sa trash can ang tapunan nito.

Malinis, di ba?

---

Last week's stuff

Tina frowning at our newspaper headline.

Sino nga bang hindi mapapasimangot?

---

Naguubos lang ako ng mga pics namaipo-post. Sorry.

2004-08-09T19:11:00.000+08:00

I vowed to see it on theaters. Then I vowed to see it on DVD. Then finally, I was able to see it on a rented, low-resolution vcd last night. Sigh.

I wasn�t able to haggle in Quiapo yet for a pirated (how apt) version of Peter Pan. The movie, known for all their dazzling high-resolution cgi�s enough to shame all of the Pans before them, must be seen on a DVD if I�d have to marvel at their work, I said, but since I didn�t know what to rent at Video City last night I decided to pick the newly out version up. I only remembered my vow the minute I stepped out of the store, which is really infuriating, come to think of it. Desire really blocks logic out of a person.

It did not really blow me out of my mind, but against the other Peter Pans (like the movie Hook and others), thanks to technology Universal Pictures was able to come up with a picture-wise better depiction of the old yet charming story that seized the kids� beds of England. They were also able to put something that a lot of story tellers before them were not capable of showing: the real romantic tension between the pubescent Peter Pan and Wendy Darling, which has always been existent yet underrated.

The story expounded a lot on details which people used to leave out on the picture: Wendy Darling and her brothers John and Michael used to conquer pirates of England through their plastic swords and beds used as boats, with the help of Wendy�s exquisite story telling. But Wendy, with the thought of their parents hinting maturity should be all over with them by now, was slowly becoming afraid of losing her imagination, thinking that she finally has to leave the land of pirates to be able to move over to the land of cocktails and parties. After an incident that involved their dog and her �wild� imagination of a boy flying above her while she was sleeping, she was somehow made to tether her thoughts and grow up.

And then, Peter Pan comes along.

With the usual fairy-dust-and-happy-thoughts routine they flew over England into the wide skies leading to Neverland. From there, the siblings and Pan�s Lost Boys was subjected to yet another territorial dispute with the famous pirate Hook and his minions, leading to another great battle between the two warriors of vast imagination.

Although it�s not as witty as I hoped it would be, so far this has been the most colorful story of Peter Pan I came across with, and it�s amazing how they were able to momentarily include Princess Hiawata in the story. But what�s more amazing is the way they featured Pan�s story with double meanings but still subtle enough to be able to still cater to the younger audiences. How? Come to think of it, the story they have presented of Peter Pan isn�t just about Neverland and his desire not to grow up. The story also presented the conflicts and tensions inside a human being, in a rather schizophrenic approach.

Schizophrenic? Yes. Think Gollum of Lord of the Rings and his alter ego, in a more subtle image. Peter Pan has been the representation of any person�s self in denial.

It�s curious to note that Neverland was presented as a place that would actually be bleak without Peter. In the story whenever he leaves the place it becomes icy and even a bit morose, which amazingly turns festive whenever he returns�which became the cue for pirates if he has already returned or not. They have placed an attachment with Peter and the land itself, like what he feels becomes the theme of the surroundings too. It shows a Peter that has created his own world in Neverland, the land he could choose not to grow up. The representation of every escape place or microcosm we choose to slink back in as a refuge. Another good thing to note is that Neverland is also accessible only by night, when most people are asleep and dreaming.

But what is Peter�s problem? He�s flooded by the fear to grow up. Things are easier to accept if you�re young. He is forever attracted to Wendy�s stories but he always stifles his attraction with her. He seems curious to learn but is afraid to go to school and become a working man. But what is he really afraid of? Another idea presented in the movie is the concept of feelings, which Hook amazingly knows it�s Peter�s greatest weakness. Along with the loss of innocence is the flow of uncontrollable feelings which Peter was afraid to tolerate. After a dance with Wendy, he questions this, almost terrified. Why do I have to feel? I taught you to fight and play, did I not? To the character embodied by Peter, being able to feel intricate things is almost a crime. Being able to feel can conjure hurt. Pride. Pain. Neverland is only about happy thoughts in order to fly.

As the alter ego, Hook plays the persona who kept on taunting Peter with the truth. He too, along with Neverland, would be useless without Peter, and he knows that. He mocks Peter with haunting words about Wendy. Wendy does not like you. Wendy wants to grow up. Wendy isn�t of the same reality as you. Phrases of which Peter tries to deny, being afraid to lose his identity and be hurt.

And that Peter does not understand. If he brought Wendy to his reality and seems to be immensely enjoying it, then why does she have to ask things from him that he would not be able to comply to? Why does he have to grow up? He tries to go back to Wendy�s reality and close down the open window of opportunity that�s waiting back for her but fails miserably. He wouldn�t let her grow. But for Wendy it�s not just a case of simply adding up figures to your age, it�s maturity and being able to finally feel, and finally face the real reality which England. Which is life, and not some conjured microcosm of Pirates and boys. To battle with the truth, and not just escape with pixie dust every time a need to fly away is apparent.

Wendy sees this and takes sides with Hook, as she sees he�s not afraid to grow up. Peter was taken aback. He did not realize that Wendy would actually join forces with Hook. But did she really literally join forces with Hook? For the persona of Peter, Wendy joining Hook�s camp may only signify that the things his alter ego�s showing him is becoming more and more prominent in Wendy, something Peter didn�t know how to react to. And with this, Hook would be able to taunt: see, what did I tell you? I�m right after all, ain�t I?

In the end, Peter is able to battle it out with Hook, with a significant help from the alligator which swallowed a ticking clock�the representation of time. And when he realizes he could not force Wendy to believe in his ideals, and realizing he still could not let go of his own, he decides to let Wendy go back to England, again, in the middle of the night.

Peter the Schizo. Nice work, don�t you think? :)

(didn't have much time to edit this. If there are errata, please bear with me.)

Outside Eden

2004-08-07T14:44:00.000+08:00

"WHAT'S THIS RUBBISH I heard?"

I strained to look at Sofia who has been standing behind me. I was sitting in this obscure cafe that Sofia and I often hang-out in, which is I guess the reason how she quickly found me. I have been staring at Eden's gates--a stone throw away from here--for so long I didn't even notice her come near.

"Which one? There are lots to enumerate; be specific."

She made her way in front of me and sat on the empty chair. She propped up her chin on her palm after slowly placing her arm on the table, then pouted thoughtfully like she often times does.

"That you wanted to change your name?"

I snorted. News does fly fast. "Now where did you here that?"

"Eden."

"Really now? My life's popular in the shores of Eden?"

Her hand left her chin for a moment to scratch a reddish blot on her arm. "Well, I didn't hear the worms talk about you yet, so don't flatter your self. But I did see Reality in there, and she told me aboutit herself."

"Which Reality? There are thousands of Realities in here, you have to be specific on which one I'd kill later."

She grinned. "The one who resembled you most."

I paused for a while. "Since when has she been visible inside Eden?"

"I didn't mean exactly that she was inside. She was loitering outside the gates looking for you; she didn't know you were here obviously."

"Good thing you didn't tell her."

"I know you wouldn't want to be disturbed with your thoughts. Been to Eden lately? It's a circus. Lots of people lost in their own fantasies again."

I shrugged.

"So," Sofia said softly while she slowly traced the design of the glass table "why would you want to change your name?"

Again, I shrugged.

"Come on. Your name's perfectly fine."

Ditto.

"Why would you want to change Hades to Eros? Your name's already beautiful as it is."

"If you want it too much, you can have it."

"Ah, and I see you've been fooling around with Sarcasm again."

"We're also bestfriends, what do you know."

Sofia sighed. "One of the things I greatly lament. You're hanging around with him too much."

I watched Sofia rise up from her chair. She made her way near me.

"I still think you shouldn't change your name. It's lovely, really. And people wouldn't want to call you Eros. They might scoff at you for that."

She slowly walked away. I looked at Eden for a split second but somehow it seemed sad.

"You don't realize it, Sofia," I whispered as I watched her disappear from my eyes. "I only want to be called Eros by you."

I sadly gazed at the Garden of Eden again. I know sooner or later Reality would find me hiding in here.

Now which shall I pick?

2004-08-04T19:38:00.000+08:00

In a few months time, I'm going to be forced to finally take my real ojt, something that's really documented and credited, unlike that of my Filmless Films intern tryout when I still had a full-time boredom toll last summer. Half of the class went to ABS-CBN over the summer, and while everyone was crazed with the then SCQ hype, I'm not sure I'm excited to even to see my self working for their corporate thrifty asses.

For one, the interns were mainly excited about just the stars anyway. I highly doubt it if learning was a priority�but with this comment coming from me, I�m probably the only one who ever worries about if I�m going to learn a lot on my internship. After all, it was I who conceived the non-credited-internship-for-experience idea that they later on bought. If I was going to mainly do the internship just to garner a lot of pictures with those snobbish actresses and pseudo-rocker actors (who also turn out to be gays) after the internship, I don�t think I�d really want to push it. Although a lot of students say they did learn a lot, and they just took advantage of the fact that ABS was of course a star-studded area. I wanna bet a lot against it.

Also, I don�t think I�m willing to pay P1000 just to be turned into an instant slave by those annoying PA�s (PA na nga, may PA pang estudyante, nakakagago). Why do we have to pay when in fact ABS-CBN should even pay those interns with all those blatant harassing they�re doing! I don�t really get the logic. GMA accepts interns too but with a grade prerequisite, and although I know I would pass I didn�t like the feedback I heard. Kids were made to just answer phones. Imagine that. They�re picking the best kids in the batch just to be able to ensure they have intelligent people answering their phones.

I�m thinking Probe Team, JE suggested Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism. As long as I learn more about journalism, I think I�m all for it.

And besides, at least they don�t have snobbish actresses and pseudo-rocker actors (who also turn out to be gays) loitering around their buildings.

Can anyone explain�

�the concept of what Imelda was discussing? Something about the cosmos and stuff? (remember when she was writing on this paper using that felt-tip pen?) Someone was laughing inside the theater when that part was being shown, and I couldn�t get why.

Can all the intelligent people please explain?

allergic na ako.

2004-08-02T19:30:00.000+08:00

I took this yesterday morning while they were romping sa master bedroom ng bahay ng eldest brother ko. That would be my second brother with his girlfriend, ladies and gentlemen.

It's amazing. If I would have to cite at least two true-to-life amazing stories of love, it would be my two brothers. The first had a very commited love na kahit minsan ay hindi siya nagloko sa girlfriend niya of almost 12 years hanggang sa nakasal sila. While my second brother...if there's a saying na love changes a person, then it's definitely true for him. Itong kapatid ko yata ang araw araw simula nang ipinanganak siya, lagi na lang menopause. Laging mataray, laging may PMS, laging may sapak pag bilog ang buwan. Pero ngayon, super ang transformation. Hindi ko na yata siya kapatid. I didn't even know sweet existed in his vocabulary. He takes sugar as pampatanggal ng pait, but not as a sweetener.

When we go out, laging lima. Ako yung laging walang partner. Ang daya.

Sigh. Now when will I have something like that na kahit sinaturate ko ang color, eh ang ganda pa rin kahit paano ng kuha dahil sa mga taong laman ng pic?

Graphic Detour

2004-08-01T19:15:00.000+08:00

Let me tell you how my week has been. Including pictures minimized to a mere 3x2 inches, with 70% resolution. Hey, I�m helping out your server here: it�s approximately 250kb download all in total, so it�s pretty fast, me thinks. And yes, I also realized this was this first reason why I was so excited to have a digi cam: to add pictures in my blog at any given time. (the vain side, of course, screams �all the time�)

Crashing in Binondo

Mark had bullied me into conceding to accompanying him to Quiapo last Tuesday, July 27. He had said Maycee, my editor (news), asked him to take pictures of the fallen building in Binondo, Manila, and after which we should head over to Capitol Hospital near Pantranco in Quezon City. He had reckoned maybe I should be my unusual caring self and visit our close friend Liza�s mom who recently had a stroke. I don�t have qualms about that, really, and I�d gladly visit my friends� moms at any given time, of course, but I do feel a bit sad, not really on the fact that Tita (I�d call her that now; I�m sorry I forgot her name) had a stroke and all but more on I didn�t really have a chance to get to know her more; this would be the second time I would meet her and she would be in bed.

While waiting at Mc Donald's Baclaran

So we trekked over to Binondo, with Mark cussing every now and then for my being late. I had to nag him a lot into taking in my (somewhat valid) excuse (I did a postcard for my cousin�s birthday using Fireworks) which really didn�t do much because basically, what can he do? I was already there anyway. He he. We took a jeep to Lawton because we didn�t know the jeep we rode wouldn�t pass Divisoria (insert Cambio�s DV [DiVisoria, get it?] song here), so we still had to take another jeep to reach the site. Mark didn�t know the place, and being the usual proud person that he was he wouldn�t ask the driver for directions, so we ended up unloading ourselves a mile away from the site.

Mark clicking away.

You should have seen the way Mark gasped when we finally reached the site. Upon arrival he immediately went to the nearest OIC and flashed a press ID, and you can almost hear his photographer instincts ticking while looking at everything. The crumbles, practically occupying every place it could land on, prohibited people to pass by the site. A few people still came to look at it, even though the wreck was a few days old. It would have been better though if there were wisps of smoke everywhere, but you could still imagine it by just looking at the broken stones everywhere.

Apparently there were no casualties because they vacated the place before it finally fell down at around 4pm�good news to everyone, bad news to the press. The building was already obviously reclining for a few hours before it gave way, so it gave the people ample time to clear the streets. Mark asked around, looking for possible witnesses, checking on the stats although he knew much about the incident. �For caption,� he reasoned. I just shrugged off.

Amidst the crumbles everywhere, a nearby pharmacy flashes this sign in front of their store.

We left the place in search for fruits next. We were asked to buy for pasalubongs earlier, so the task to find suitable apples and oranges (staple visitors� fruits, whaddya know) were on us as we trudged upon the street where the Divisoria mall is standing. I could see Candice and Tina everywhere, heh heh. The place is, of course, one of the majorly Chinese inhabited places in Manila, and although the place is no Don T. Mapua (we used to go there for this favorite restaurant, Hap Chan), I couldn�t help but smile while resisting the urge to grab my phone and text the ladies up.

We emerged with a bag of Fuji apples and oranges along with a few Kiwi fruits on the side. Predictable, really.

The White Corridors

Her room was overlooking a couple of red rooftops, which gave the illusion of a reddish afternoon. Not too distant was the Iglesia ni Cristo main church, which never failed to remind me of an alien starship (forgive me, dear Iglesians. It�s not a negative thing, really) if not a huge castle, ever since I was little.

The red rooftops.

It was a slight attraction for me, of course, but I highly doubt it if it served the same purpose for Tita, although if it seemed such a sad thing for me she apparently didn�t show it. She was really jolly, and it was as if her energy didn�t level down much what with us being her second batch of the younger generation visitors she had that day. Some classmates went there earlier, and they were already loitering around the halls while we chatted with Tita inside her room.

�Dadalawin ka daw ni Dao Ming Zhi,� Mark boisterously claimed as he came to Tita�s bed seconds after he entered the door. She was the second biggest mother fan I know of, aside from Mark�s mother. Once Liza asked me to use photoshop on her mom�s portrait, putting Jerry Yan on her side.

�Andito rin po si JC,� piped in Blessy, another classmate who came in with us. I shyly recoiled to the back a bit, hiding myself behind the towering figure of Mark.

�Ah, yung Best Actress?� she asked. She then motioned to the other visitors inside the room, �Eto yung bida dun sa ginawa nina Liza, oh! Siya yung Best Actress! Ay naku, mahal na mahal ko itong mga ito,� she was showing off a huge grin. I cautiously went near her, although wanting to slowly melt what with the others assessing me curiously, and I could almost read disappointment in their minds. Eto lang pala yung batang yun.

�Kamusta po?� I asked. She was still cheery.

�Eto. Baka lalabas na ako sa Sabado,� She launched into a dozen more stories of her condition which she didn�t seem to mind too much, like as if it was not stroke she got but some flu bug she caught. Later on when the other visitors left everyone filled the room, and the noise obviously transferred from the corridors to the room. Laughter. Stories. More laughter.

At 4pm we decided to go. Everybody bid their goodbyes one by one and promised to see her when she�s well again. I was the last to go. I held her hand, smiled, then bid my goodbye. I was about to head for the door when I stopped, realizing I was alone with her in the room.

�Alam ninyo po,� I started. I didn�t know how I was going to launch it. �nung nalaman po sa klase na nagkasakit kayo, lahat po gustong pumunta para bisitahin kayo,�

She smiled. �Talaga? Salamat naman.�

I nodded. �Opo. Lahat po sila nagkukuwento kung gaano po kayo kabait sa kanila.�

She grinned even more. �Talaga, ha?

I slowly nodded. �Nalulungkot nga po ako kasi, ngayon ko lang po kayo talagang nakilala. Nung una ko po kasi kayong nakita, saglit lang. Nung piyesta kina Mark. Kaya po gusto ko rin pong pumunta dito, eh.�

�Huwag kang magalala,� she tapped my hand, �pag nakaalis na ako dito sa Sabado, magpapawelcome party ako,�

�Sige po!� I laughed.

We exchanged more smiles. Then I bid my goodbye.

Yesterday's Saturday. Hopefully, she already left the hospital for home.

Late na naman.

Late na naman ako for our meeting at 1pm last Wednesday sa office. At late din ako for our class, which was slated at two o� clock.

Sometimes, I really don't know what�s making me do all these.

JD and I after class.

Me using the internet at the HF office. The guy behind me is Eric James, the brain behind the ingenious site, http://ijames.co.nr

J.E. checking his Nicksplat account.

Beneath the tall buildings

GT Tower. Sandwiched between RCBC and LKG Tower .

Thursday saw me accompanying Mark to Facial Care Clinic over at GT Tower in Ayala for a consultation regarding his facial sensitiveness. I waited at the lobby flipping over this Bluprint Magazine--something about architecture and arts, if I�m not mistaken. I was getting bored.

Bored stiff.

There was this feature about ten �hot� men of the arts and architecture world, which included Kuya Robert of the former GMA 7�s Art-Is-Kool main man and Manu Sandejas of Studio 23�s Detour. I didn�t know the latter works in advertising aside from being a host. After flipping a few pages, I chanced upon the write up on the fourth man, Cesar Augusto S. Concio III. I wondered if he�s related to Conch, which is also funny because Cesar uses the same nickname Clarissa S. Concio, the managing editor of MTV Ink, uses. Conch. Also known as the huge shell you put near your ears to hear the ocean.

Cesar Concio III. His grandfather apparently designed the Melchor Hall at University of the Philippines.

Inside the elevator.

Outside the building, with Mark on the side reprimanding me.

It required P28,000 to continue the treatment, Mark soon learned. He was glum all the way to Glorietta. Everybody knows as much as I do that he wanted more than anything to finally have his skin tested for its sensitivity which induced a lot of pimples, but 28,000 is not exactly in his priority list right now. To cheer him up, we decided to raid all the boutiques we wanted and invade their fitting rooms while silently taking pictures of ourselves inside. Mark found this really good sweater at Marks and Spencer which he reckoned looks good on him, so that somehow cheered him up.

I didn�t have copies of HIS photos, but after he found out I'd do this, he willingly gave me his poster. You'll see him on the bottom of this page. For the meantime, this is my batch of weirdness:

Over at Calvin Klein. No, I was just wearing my usual clothes.

THIS was from CK.

From Whoops!

The cheerleader skirt Mark took from the racks and threw at my face.

No, I'm not pregnant.

You can click on the pic to see the large size.

3 notes of apparent delusion

2004-07-28T18:59:00.000+08:00

It's more of an homage. It's has to be in THIS order. :p

Sorry. Tinatamad akong magpost ng mahaba.

The tower
Vienna Teng

the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies

she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me
where is the one
the one
the one

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can save me
where is the one
the one
the one

oasis - wonderwall
From the album Unknown album

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About vou now

All the roads that lead you there are winding
Ail the lights that Iight the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You re my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
Your gonna be the one that saves me
Your gonna be the one that saves me
Your gonna be the one that saves me

Unaffected
Hoobastank

[1st verse:]

There never seems to be
Because what i believe
A moment i'm not trying
To show them who i am
Why can't they understand
The things that they're denying?

They're denying.....

[chorus:]

So what should i do
Just lay next to you
As though i'm unaffected
And who should i be
When they're judging me
As though i'm unaffected?

[2nd verse:]

A chance they'd never give
To ever want to live
The life that i am made of
There's nothing left to prove
My heart's forever true
What is it they're afraid of?

Afraid of.....

[chorus:]

So what should i do
Just lay next to you
As though i'm unaffected
And who should i be
When they're judging me
As though i'm unaffected?

Before they even say my face
The knew that i was not the same
And decided i was not the one for you
For you.....

So what should i do?
I'm not unaffected
And who should i be?
I'm not unaffected

[chorus:]

So what should i do
Just lay next to you
As though i'm unaffected
And who should i be
When they're judging me
As though i'm unaffected?

Unaffected...[repeat 4 times]

Erratum

2004-07-26T19:05:00.000+08:00

One, Jp corrected me on my entry, two blogs below. He's right. I meant to write Jerry Springer, and not the commedian, Jerry Seinfeld (or field.).

And two, I retract half of what I said the last time I was drunk. That's two nights ago.

Yeah. Some of them I do not even wish to remember. Was just on the verge of information overload for one week.

whaddya know. drunk. again.

2004-07-25T01:33:00.000+08:00

Everything that is me, or constitutes me, is fear. Or so Marc lectured me while we were trying to make our way home amidst drunkness or tipsyness, as Marc would put it.

Truth is, I don't even wish to think about it. I'm just thinking about my vulnerability being exploited. I mean, I was drunk. In fact, I still am. And I couldn't think of anything to say to magic. Or even fucking love at first sight. Or just plainly love.

Hey you. You wanna talk about it? I don't believe in it, Why fucking should I? Once I tried not to think about it, tried to deny everything I logically came up with, and I got stung. And I'm relatively telling the truth, because I'm drunk. Siege calls it the exposure of vulnerability because all your defenses are down if you're drunk. Defenses, my ass. I'm drunk and I'm still typing because I feel no one really understands except the cyberspace. And Marc too, but he's already at home.

A while ago I was trying to text someone to ease up my burdens, but I ended up easing none. Here's what I said but didn't send anyway:

I miss you kaagad. Nung nandito ka, ikaw ang kakausapin ko. You're just this girl I always talk to when I had something I wanted to talk about. You're in Australia now. Not that I'm trying to integrate you as an instant bestfriend, but amazingly I get to open up to you before when you still easily can reply. Now I'm just in the pits, and practically no one's available.

I didn't send that, but I'm still looking for a person to talk to. Am I being stupid? In a way yes. But am I also being too foolishly stupid? Oh, a lot. My heart wouldn't even want to talk about it. It says I'm too drunk for that.

But please, help me. I'm fast NOT falling in love (my consciousness is trying to deny it). Oh please, not when I'm drunk, please!!

2004-07-24T02:06:00.000+08:00

As I'm writing this, I imagine Candice would be estimated 30,000 feet above the...Pacific? I'm geographically dumb, so I'm basing it on estimation. It's 1:12 am so majority of the people on board that plane would be sleeping (not including the pilot and his crew, hopefully), and if our girl is sleeping then she wouldn't be able to harrass the crew like I asked her not to a while ago, or if she's being her ADH self, she would most likely be contemplating on how to set the plane on fire.

Oh, wait, that's not Candice. I was talking about what I would have done if I were up there. Sorry, I got distracted.

If she isn't sleeping maybe she's reading a book, comfortably sitting (malamang) near the window. Or maybe looking outside, waiting for traces of Australia to appear. Or just marvelling at the cloud formations. (On how she would be able to do that on a pitch black sky, I wouldn't know.)

Whatever I'm imagining she might be doing right now, it doesn't help much on getting rid of this sad feeling inside me. Or even the strange habit of checking my phone for a message coming from her even if it's somehow impossible. (May signal ba sa taas? Wala pa akong phone nung huli akong napunta ng 30,000 feet.) These coming from me, a person who have been somewhat close to Candice mostly because of our constant correspondence through texting these past few days. I wonder how the others who have truly been close to her are doing.

------

I was browsing through my inbox a while ago, and I just couldn't help but grin on those messages I have saved. I don't know when I would finally clean up my inbox, but I probably won't be able to do it again, even if it does delay incoming messages sometimes after my inbox easily gets filled up. There's something from Candz and her being a weirdo in highschool. And Jace and his initial mis-sent text. And Tina's. And Kristine Fonacier's and Bernie Sim's (MTV Ink kids). And a few more different people.

I don't think I would really be able to erase them, at least not in the near future. At this point they serve not only as a memory refresher and a smile initiater, but it also does spark up something in me that makes me realize I have been so blessed that in my life I was able to meet these fantastic people. It's enough to temporarily lift me up, anytime of the day. :)

------

Something perverted this way comes.

I chanced upon this weird tv show on a lesser-popular local channel a while ago, something like a milder version of Jerry Seinfield. They guested this guy who admittedly housed all three of his women in one boarding house. I was laughing and cussing so hard I had to take down notes about their lives.

Rey--that's the guy's name-- is this homely, good-for-nothing jobless lazy sleazebag who was initially married to Marilou, this late 30-ish woman who's a self-confessed workaholic. Apparently Rey used that as an excuse to look for another girl, found in the persona of Leah, an 18 year old boarder. Leah claims to have not known Rey had a wife up until recently because Marilou was always out of the house. Still not contented, he also took in Jenny, another 18 year old boarder. Turned out he had a knack for "fresh meat".

Amazingly, Jenny also didn't know Rey was married, and was told that Leah was a cousin. But even more amazingly, Jenny turned out to be Rey's cousin, which they later found out when her mother came to visit. After his stupidities were found out, Rey pinned the blame on Marilou, saying she had no time for him, aside from claiming he doesn't love her. The woman, ever the idiot, then devised a way to settle everything (because she says she felt a bit guilty): Mondays and Tuesdays he stays with her, Wednesdays and Thursdays he stays with Leah, Fridays and Saturdays he romps with Jenny. She says she couldn't kick them out of the dormitory because she just doesn't have the heart to do so.

Near the end of the show, Rey reckons he only loves Leah, and with a smug smile the latter claims she'll stay for him. Marilou lets him get away with things because she says she doesn't want to have a broken family. Jenny tells the host she's going to move on and leave the dorm, something she decided on after she found out they were cousins.

Amazing. They're all stupid enough not to know this was happening UNDER ONLY ONE ROOF. The confession happened only lately.

Moral of the story: head over to Vicky Belo and have your face grotesquely revamped, then incorporate a smug attitude and fire yourself from your job: you'd get more girls under one roof and get away with it than Brad Pitt could ever manage.

-------

I just learned something new from Eric James the other day, while we were checking out sites at the HF office. By clicking on your site meter and checking out your stats page, there is actually a page where you can check out your referrals, or basically the pages that led your visitors to your site. Amazingly, most of them came from Yahoo and Google. Guess what those people were searching for before they ended up in my site.

Mark Herras' photos.

What the fuck.

Wicked. I got a lot of site hits because of that guy. I don't even remember discussing anything that concerned him. And I don't care if he came from De La Salle - Dasmarinas too. I don't like him associated with my website.

But then again, if it meant more visitors, then what the hell:

Mark Herras. Rainier whateverhisgoddamnsurnameis. Oh, wait--Rainier Castillo. Right. Hero Angeles. Sandara Park. Jorros (di ko alam ang apelyido niya). Star Circle Quest. Star Circle Teen Quest. Star Circle Kids Quest. SCQ. Starstruck. Starstruck Kids.SCQ Reloaded. Sandara's Romance. Dion Ignacio. Jennelyn Mercado. Yasmien Kurdi. Blah, blah, blah.

Yan. Para yan sa mga web spiders ng Google. He he. At kung gusto ko naman ng may lebel, pwede rin ito: Cindy Kurleto. MTV, MTV Ink, Pulp, Pulp Community, Rock, Philippine Rock, Indie, Philippine Indie, Imago, Sandwich, Narda, Purple Chickens, 6 Cycle Mind, Eraserheads, Dirty Kitchen, Paramita, Silent Sanctuary, Boldstar, Marty Mc Fly, Itchyworms, Cambio, Sugarfree, Twisted Halo, Happy Meals, Color It Red, Olympic Smoker, Kjwan, Fuseboxx, Day dream cycle, Weedisneys, Sugarfree, Silverfilter, Monsterbot, Aia de Leon, Tim Cacho, Zach Lucero, Myrene Academia, Raimund Marasigan, Marc Abaya, Diego Mapa, Ebe Dancel, Kris Gorra-Dancel, Vin Dancel, lahat-lahat na. Wala na akong maisip.

Pagbigyan ninyo na ako, inaantok na naman kasi ako, eh. :)

2004-07-21T15:54:00.000+08:00

What do you know, relatives are now on their way to Thailand, but I'm still in the middle of thinking what exactly I have been fucking up these past few days.

I can't seem to do everything I have promised my self I would do. My days are passing by in a whirl, nothing's getting accomplished. I'm overlapping some of my stuff.

I couldn't seem to be a bit more friendly to my cousins. Try as might, I'm just becoming more and more communications deficit. They're gone now and I still can't get over it.

I can't even update my site much. Blackmoon's complaining to me. I still can't fix the fucked up javascript. And can't fix my other sites either. I miss my gigs.

And I'm missing a lot of people. Candz, Tina, Jace, Noel, Cris, Tani, Meme, Max, Aia, whatevers. Whoevers. I missing people I can't even make my friends because plainly, I have no time to think. Nor make my next move. I'm using my time up for too much melancholy for things I shouldn't even be sad about. Like upon learning that J is actually taken. I'm not even pursuing whatever I thought I'm feeling for J, but I just felt sad. Another probability missed.

Sorry. I just need to take my pill, that's all.

---------------------

On the lighter side:

A friend was singing "And She Will Be Loved" a while ago. I have approximately heard that song for around more or less a hundred times this week. 80% from my mp3 endless repeat, 20% from the outside. It's becoming an upper.

But come think of it, it's becoming an omen. I always wanted that to become the anthem of my 18th year, but so far, no one's singing that to me yet. At least the people I would have wanted to sing that to me didn't know. Or wouldn't dare anyway. And in a few months, the song's going to be invalid.

Check the lyrics. You'll realize what I mean.

-------------------

Sarah McLachlan on the background. Angel.

Darn it. Another reason to remember her. As if being in a publication office isn't enough. And being in La Salle isn't enough. I need to exorcise her thoughts.

2004-07-08T19:38:00.000+08:00

View first. Explanations later. ;)

F01: I need to get her out of my system

2004-07-05T01:15:00.000+08:00

It is amazing to note that my opening blog would be smeared of too much melodrama�both coming from me and JC. And it�s also amazing to note that I'm posting this miles away from my home: to be exact, I�m in Baguio.

Well, she phoned me in the middle of my class around Friday afternoon, then I suddenly found my self packing my clothes in the dormitory and driving the first half of the way up to the mountains using his Father�s Civic with her telling non-stop stories of hilarious events while she lay feet up on the passenger seat Friday evening. Apparently her parents would be out of the country for a week, and her brother was okay with the prospect of being alone in the house, so she didn�t pass up the chance of getting away. Why she phoned me though, still seem a bit vague for me, but I don�t mind.

Who is she? I call her Lyle, an alternative to her real first name Lyla. We met a year ago in a mailing list that involved mostly students from our school, and then I found out she was a frequent on this joint my friends and I usually eat lunch at. I knew her by face, but it was only then that I knew her name.

But see, Lyle isn�t like the other girls I have known, which is also the reason why I preferred to lightly mock her by calling her such name. She�s boyish as hell, but still as intact as a real girl should be--I mean, she�s still straight, and thankfully her clothing choices is still inclined on slight femininity. And as much as some people I know would splurge on make-ups, she would go crazy on books or computer softwares. She�s also one of the most established Ragnarok girl players I know. We became close only over the summer because of our shared classes, but I feel I�ve known her all my life.

And I know her enough I guess to be able to dare sharing a room with her on the hotel we checked in, but picking separate beds, of course. We would go out in the morning, devour quarter pounders at McDonalds, go around the market buying vegetables and experiment on foods, run around the whole place like kids till afternoon, then we spend the time at night getting drunk just outside our room singing drunken Smashing Pumpkins covers and doing invisible air guitars. We would dance around like silly and even dare sing more songs, albeit mostly cheesy songs by boybands. God, it was too much of a drunken fairytale. We could go on living like that forever and we probably wouldn�t mind.

But last night we didn�t fall asleep quickly like we did last Saturday. She did for a few minutes but she woke up again, discovering I wasn�t sleeping yet. She then went to my bed and snuggled up to me, and after a few minutes, she finally found slumber.

I couldn�t count how many sighs I did the whole time. I couldn�t sleep. I stared at her face the whole night I was awake, alternately tracing her face softly with my forefinger. I can�t do much, really, but sigh.

I�ve been stifling this feeling inside me for a long time now. If I wanted to something would have happened between us that night, but I respected her enough not to do it. She was drunk as much as I am but I managed to hinder things amazingly.

I�m afraid I found my self falling in love. But I�m also afraid I wouldn�t be able to tolerate that. I don�t trust my self, and I wouldn�t bear seeing her getting hurt. I don�t think I can really take that.

Starting when we get home, I�ll try to distance myself from her. Back to the campus. Back to reality. This won�t work. I know it.

Sigh. Melodrama.

2004-07-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

Thursday :

Is it me, or is Island Cove really looking bleak? I�m not sure, but the greens in the trees seem to be really sad. Hopefully my relatives won�t notice.

I met my cousins from San Francisco this morning, and they seem to be eager to meet me, but as much as the feeling�s mutual, my communication skills aren�t. Yeah, amazing...I�m taking up communications as an undergraduate degree and yet I�m communications deficit. Figure that out.

Not that I didn�t try talking to them. I did, in fact, but the right topics aren�t coming out. And I�m torn between the ages of my two cousins too--Vicky, the youngest, is 12, while Theo, the second son, is 16. The former is a kid hurrying to grow up to be able to party, and is at the same time still attached to her age, while the latter is a wise-beyond-his-years kid whose laughter I honestly haven�t heard. Talk if I must about boys and other things with the younger kid, I will, but such things would be trivial for the brother who seemed to want to talk about knowledge and books and photography and other stuff all day long. It is not that I am not interested--I am in fact looking forward to pseudo-intellectual discussions (pseudo, would be from me; intellectual stuff, would be from him) about my newly bought The Da Vinci Code, or the books he gave which I have been looking for everywhere but failed to find available and cheap (Trainspotting and A Clockwork Orange). He�s a self-proclaimed insomniac and would breeze through a dozen paperbacks till morning. I heard he�s into computers, so I wouldn�t be surprised if he dabbles with html too. And geez, I can sniff a geek within a two-meter radius (yes, only that small) and I�m excited by the prospect of one in my cousin. I�m just afraid I would run out of things to say, at the same time fail with my grammar. Or with my simple sentence constructions going out of sync.

Sigh. You know, I�m actually typing on a word processor about nothing because I�m hoping something might come out of these nothings. I�m inside my Aunt�s hotel room while they�re all enjoying the place. I�m also typing a lot of words with an average erasing speed of 30 words per minute as soon as I type them. Whaddya know, I�m a day overdue with my features deadline, but hopefully this one I would be able to send to the Features Ed�s email this afternoon. I�m worrying still about my news. My fingers are bleeding with too much biting. I needed a diversion and I found it in this...god, ever the mild neurotic.

Saturday:

He found me sitting on the steps of the admin building. Why are you alone, he asked. He was lugging a huge bag, and was somewhat trying to catch his breath.

I looked up from my mobile phone � something I have been absentmindedly staring at for a few minutes now.

Do you have a minute?

His brows furrowed. Sure.

I just talked to the EIC, I started as he was starting to sit beside me. Has he talked to you yet? He was supposed to talk to all of the staff members, I believe. Oh, yeah, I forgot, you�re part of the EB.

He nodded. I�ll check on that.

Well, there, I half whispered. He checked me up regarding the meeting we weren�t able to attend last Wednesday, and some follows-up regarding the banner. I�m...I�m just sad, I guess. Disappointed. My editor told him I seem reluctant to oblige to doing the article or that I was looking for excuses not to do it. Like sometimes I don�t want to go to the office or something. But...God knows I�m not reluctant! I swear. I mean, ask JP and he�d tell you I�d ask him things about the banner or I�d pester him for discussions about it so I would understand things clearly, I heavily said. I could feel my lips trembling.

And it�s not that I don�t want to go to the office, it�s just that my Aunt�s family is here from the states and the past week has been crowded as it is...everybody�s demanding something from me, I cried. Tuesdays and Thursdays...we don�t have classes so I�m compelled to somehow stay at home and help with the general house cleaning. God knows even while I needed to be at Island Cove just because my parents required my attendance there I was typing like crazy and mulling over my homework on the laptop and everybody�s just going around happily. And people at my house don�t know anything. My parents, I haven�t told them about me being in a publication because I�m afraid for them...I know them well enough that they�re going to expect too much from me afterwards.

When are you going to tell them? He asked.

Hopefully never, I replied. Or maybe after I graduate. I mean, that�s just months from now anyway. Every time I tell them I need to do some article I just reason a nonexistent project on pending.

It�s just heavy for me, I guess. Too melodramatic as I may look, but it�s just...heavy. You guys know how much I always wanted to work for HF and...I guess the EIC telling me my Ed thinks I don�t wish to take part hurts me a lot. It�s not that I don�t want to take part...I really do want to! But the week has been too busy for me. And I can�t understand too why my Ed had to tell the EIC directly...I mean, my Ed always told me if I had problems I must tell her freely, and now that she had a problem on me she won�t even tell me. It�s just disappointing, I guess. It�s disappointing that I have to cry alone too to get all these out...if you hadn�t come along, I�d still probably wait here for some divine intervention... my voice slowly faded.

Have you told your Ed about it?

No, not yet. I don�t know how I am going to tell her anyway, I replied.

Well, maybe you also can�t blame your Ed, he slowly said. I mean, she did tell you to confide with her and you�re opening up to JP more about the subject...he�s the Sports Ed, for god�s sake, so you can�t expect her to do what you expected she might have done.

Yeah, I guess so, I replied. But I�m more confident with opening up to JP than to my Ed. And she also had to report something to the EIC, so maybe that�s why these happened. It�s just frustrating for my self mostly...I guess I really wasn�t doing my best after all.

That�s okay, he said. When I was an apprentice too I felt like I would never live up to the expectations of my Ed. It�s going to pass after some time. Let time open up things for you.

I just nodded. I couldn�t say much anyway.

For now though, dry your eyes. He said. He started to rise up. We have to go up and get our things up there in the office because everyone�s about to leave.

They are? I asked bewilderedly. I saw the other staff trickling out of our office on the second floor.

We both bolted for the steps towards the office. I somehow eased up my burden. For now, that would be enough.

--------------------

I still haven�t told my Ed about it. I just can�t open up to her for now. Last Saturday we had this team building/seminar for the publication the whole day, and although I was glum, I still tried to cooperate with them. After all, feelings must not always mix with work.

But I�ll try to practice what I�m going to tell her. I�ll tell her I�m sorry if I seem too reluctant for her. I�ll tell her the reason I may seem like I�m slacking off is that I�m trying to take my mind off things, because doing half of the banner story as my second attempt at news writing for the publication given that I�m an apprentice scared the beejezus out of me. I mean, who the hell won�t be scared? Although I believe everything she has been saying that an apprentice would be able to pull off something like that, and it would be through those things that we would be able to learn...it�s still scary for someone insignificant like me.

I�ll tell her too I�d try to work more on it next time. And that I�d really devote more time to things she assign.

And that I�m really sorry. As in, really. I�ll try not to do it again. First time on the job and I�m giving the wrong impressions. Hopefully they�d stay as merely plain impressions. With a bit of luck I�d be able to prove I�m fit for the job.